Did the preparations for Valentine’s Day feel a little extra stressful this year? If so, social media (and TikTok in particular) may be to blame. For example, among the many trends we’ve seen recently are girlfriends put their friends up for “sale” if they haven’t asked them to be their Valentine. Even if the videos are light-hearted, it’s easy to see how being complained about (or shamed) on social media by a partner could lead to some strain in the relationship.
TikTok is notorious for spreading relationship trends that people can use to “test” their partners or relationships and see if they pass. However, is there any scientific validity to these tests? Can they really tell you anything about the quality of your relationship? We’ll look at why TikTok has the power to affect our relationships, and then look at two trends (namely, the “bird test” and the “orange peel theory”) to see if there’s any research that might support them. their underlying principles.
The influence of TikTok on our relationships
As of January 2024, TikTok has over 1 billion active users who spend an average of 95 minutes (over an hour and a half!) in the app per day. The app is most popular with ages 10-19 (32.5%), followed by 20-29 year olds (29.5%). In fact, an internal figure from Google revealed that around 40% of young people prefer to search for specific information on TikTok and Instagram, such as where to go for lunch, rather than on Google or Maps.
With these numbers, it’s easy to see how TikTok content can reach a wide range of young, impressionable users who may (a) be specifically looking for information about romantic relationships, or (b) learn about relationships as they see viral memes and trends relationships. For example, you may have heard of “Sofa” feeling. A few years ago it depicted a boy’s incredible response to his long-distance girlfriend who surprised him in college. When I studied this trend, I found that people on TikTok were using the couch as an opportunity to engage in active relationship learning. This was done with users commenting on the video, sharing their opinion of the video (and whether their reaction indicates cheating) and posting their own content about romantic surprises to make a joke or show how the “should” be his reaction.
As this process occurs, individuals are not just learning about other people’s relationships. Users on TikTok also collectively decide on relationship rules, particularly how male partners should act in a relationship. [1] Because there are so many users on TikTok, this process is constantly being reinvented as relationship trends evolve and continue to grow in popularity.
Now let’s take a look at some specific TikTok trends: the “bird test” and the “orange peel theory”.
The Bird Test
The Bird Test it’s quite simple. The basic premise is that if you look out the window and exclaim something in the result “Wow, look at that amazing bird!”, Your partner’s response may indicate something about the strength of your relationship. It is possible that your partner will react with enthusiasm and go look at the bird with you. Or they might ignore your exclamation point and just keep looking at their phone. Or maybe they’ll say something disparaging. Given these features, partners “pass” the bird test if they look at the bird with you. To be clear, “bird” can really be anything (eg, “look at that dog!” or “guess what I got at the grocery store!”), but birds are the most widely used example.
While asking your partner to go bird watching may seem like a harmless act, there may be some truth to the bird test. In fact, the bird test is reflecting a famous experiment directed by his John Gottman the Gottman Institute, where he observed how couples responded to each other when they made exclamations similar to those described above. He coined these interactions as “attention offers”, which he studied as a way to predict whether romantic partners would stay together.
Offers to Watch Out for
Gottman describes bids for attention as “the fundamental unit of emotional communication” [2,3]. Offerings can be verbal (“look, a bird!”) and nonverbal, including acts of affectionate touch, facial expressions (eg, winking or smiling at a partner), or gestures that move toward a specific place or activity . When people bid for attention, they are trying to connect with others. Partners can respond to offers by turning towards them (“wow, what a nice bird!”), away from them (they don’t respond to the bird), or even turning against them (“who cares? Birds are stupid”) .
When partners turn to offers, the person making the offer feels validated that they are making an emotional connection. Someone who often turns against their partner’s bids for attention is likely to develop feelings of resentment and loneliness. If you want to strengthen your emotional connection with your partner (or even your friends!), it is recommended to turn to Offers instead of twisting Away from them. Go see this bird!
The Orange Peel Theory
The Orange Peel Theory it is intended to determine the extent to which a romantic partner will do small favors for you despite the fact that you are able to do them yourself. The test is simple, one asks their partner to peel an orange for them and their partner “passes” the test if they say yes and peel the orange. The more enthusiastic one is about peeling an orange for their partner, or, the attention to detail given when doing so, is seen as an additional indicator of one’s feelings about their relationship.
Compared to the bird test, the orange peel theory is slightly more complicated. First, some people who are “tested” are confused when their partners are suddenly interested in eating oranges, if this is not something they do regularly. Of course, the act of peeling an orange can be replaced with any other small task, but being clear about oranges is one way for one to ensure that their video fits the larger trend. Second, there isn’t such a clear connection between orange peel theory and relationship science, but here are some thoughts.
Service actions and partner response
Last year for Valentine’s Day, we explored how observing your partner’s love languages can improve your relationship. Although love languages are scientifically flawed (which you can learn all about our recent podcast episode with Drs. Amy Muise and Emily Impett), individuals appear to be more satisfied with their partners when they feel their love languages are being “spoken.” [4]. In this case, the orange peel theory may reflect a desire to be loved through acts of service, however small.
Another relationship science concept that can be linked to the orange peel theory is the idea of perceived partner responsiveness [5]. We find our partners responsive when they validate us, support our needs, and feel understood. Research has found that perceived partner responsiveness is higher when partners engage in active listening [6] and, furthermore, that greater perceived partner responsiveness is associated with increased relationship satisfaction. Peeling an orange, then, is a simple way to validate and support a romantic partner’s needs, even if they can peel it themselves.
Should you judge your relationship based on TikTok?
Short answer? No. While there may be some connection between the relationship trends we see online and the science of relationships, putting your partner through a series of “tests” for their sake can make you feel more insecure in the end, especially if the your partner “fails” the test in your eyes. Also, depending on how you administer the test, you may be setting up your partner to fail (for example, if your partner works from home and you interrupt them to ask them for something unusual that you don’t really need and could easily do alone (like peeling an orange, that’s not a great way to measure the health of your relationship).
The biggest question to ask yourself is why you feel the need to test your partner in the first place. Often, this is a sign of some anxiety or attachment insecurity. A constant need to “test” your relationship may say more about you than it does about your partner. But it can also be a sign that there are some deeper problems or issues in the relationship that need to be addressed. Following a TikTok trend isn’t going to help much in either case. Instead, the answer may lie in improving your relationship communication or perhaps consulting a relationship or couples therapist.
Yes, TikTok can potentially be useful in shedding light on when people are being mistreated in their relationships, and sure, it can be fun to be a part of online trends. However, it’s generally not a good idea to judge your own relationship based on what you see on social media. Instead, you and your partner might want to turn on your phones’ do not disturb this Valentine’s Day to really pay attention to each other and do something good for your relationship.
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Bibliographical references:
[1] Mendelson, EA (2023). Sense making and public intimacy on TikTok: How viral videos affect offline interpersonal relationships. New Media & Society14614448231163231.
[2] Gottman, J., & DeClaire, J. (2002). Relationship Healing: A 5-Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. Harmony/Rodale.
[3] Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The natural principles of love. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(1), 7–26.
[4] Hughes, JL, & Camden, AA (2020). Using Chapman’s five love languages theory to predict love and relationship satisfaction. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 25, 234–244. https://doi.org/10.24839/2325-7342.JN25.3.234
[5] Reis, HT, & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In Handbook of personal relationships: Theory, research, and interventions (pp. 367–389). John Wiley & Sons.[6] Itzchakov, G., Reis, HT, & Weinstein, N. (2022). How to enhance perceived partner responsiveness: High-quality listening is key. Compass of Social and Psychology of Personality, 16(1), e12648.
