“Your life doesn’t get better by accident. it gets better with change.” -Jim Rohn
Outwardly everything was fine. My family was prosperous and happy. The device group had gained momentum and recognition. Despite renewed physical mobility, my world became smaller as I spent more time in meetings and professional reviews than with clients or partners, and more effort defending than energizing the team. I couldn’t shake a growing sense of unease and resentment.
Microsoft was undergoing a cultural change under the leadership of Kevin Turner, who had been hired by Steve Ballmer to tame Microsoft’s wild, wild west. Kevin Turner, known as KT, was an experienced executive hired as Chief Operating Officer to create a culture of fiscal accountability. KT came to Microsoft like a sheriff slinging a big gun and a sack full of business cards.
“You manage what you measure,” has become a popular new saying at Microsoft. The device team measured within an inch of our lives. Too big to be treated as a startup that could fly unnoticed and under the radar, success had us in our sights. The scrutiny was understandable given how much the business had grown and how much Wall Street placed on Surface/Windows tablet sales versus Apple/iPad sales. A battle for the business was underway. A lot was at stake. But the team was still learning to fly, still building the wings and instrument panel as our plane climbed, leaving many ways to interpret which direction and how high we were flying.
KT’s scorecards measured and assigned a green, yellow or red to nearly every activity performed by sales and marketing teams. The green was good. Red was not. Those whose sales or marketing targets had gone red were quickly shot by the big guns. The stated goal was to create goals that would be SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time Bound). In reality, targets were set to achieve aggressive targets based more on Wall Street expectations than market reality.
Soon the culture became so results-oriented and fear-based that managers would do almost anything to avoid missing their targets, even if it sometimes undermined the business and the people. Those who missed their numbers were “red” and service-whipped in a Correction of Error (COE) business review until they were once again “in the green” and out of the firing line. You could tell which teams were caught in a red death spiral from error correction by their pale pallor and slumped shoulders. Once caught in the grip of a COE, it became a game of survival where people’s self-esteem and careers were on the line. Businesses stuck in the red were guilty until proven innocent and subjected to a week-long investigation that only ended when you went green or were reassigned to a new job.
When people care more about avoiding failure than about success, they stop playing to win and start playing not to lose. There is no winning in a game played not to lose. Mistakes can be milestones from which you build and grow, or crushing millstones that you stumble and fall under. Accountability creates trust while whipping creates fear and victims. I know, because even though my score was usually green, I began to invest more and more energy in avoiding red and defending results instead of taking risks and celebrating successes.
My top sales team began to crumble from the time I spent recording, reporting and uploading data into a system created by Paul and analyzed by Jason, who became so adept at slicing and dicing that it was reverent known as The Sword. Juliana took The Sword’s information and compiled it into an Excel spreadsheet, which produced a chart that was cut and pasted onto PowerPoint slides I developed before the presentation from the front line.
Business ratings were corrected monthly if green and weekly if red starting before 8am. and ending after 6 p.m., with patience and humor waning as the minutes ticked by. The very small conference room filled with the smell of taco bar, Sterno, and fear as two dozen executives responsible for managing billion-dollar businesses sat glossy and numb, avoiding eye contact in case they were asked a precise question they didn’t know. . how to answer and would throw others under the bus to save themselves. Tensions rose as the chests tightened, anxiously dreading the ticking of the clock towards the appointed time to plead your case and receive a verdict…a green pending execution…or RED! Go to COE prison! Don’t spend go, don’t collect $200. Except this wasn’t a game. Executives who chipped in these meetings often did the same to their teams the next day, until everyone felt like confetti… sans the celebration.
Perhaps one of the strangest but most well-intentioned gestures of support I received at Microsoft was being given a tube of Preparation H shortly before the COE review. “It will reduce the bags and dark circles under your eyes…never show signs of weakness, Jane.” Uh…Thank you? It did help my dark circles under my eyes, but it didn’t help me see the dark swirl and stress I was carrying around the house every day.
It was impossible to spend long days at work scrutinizing and wallowing in what wasn’t right, then magically switch gears once you got home. I know. I tried. My negativity formed a dark cloud that followed me over the threshold, raining down toxic thoughts that drowned out the good and made it difficult for positivity to gain a foothold. Research shows that the average person has up to 60,000 thoughts a day, and about 80%-95% are negative (closer to 100% if in COE), creating a negativity bias.
People who experience negativity:
- remember traumatic experiences better than positive ones
- you think about negative things more often than positive things
- remember insults better than praise
- they react more strongly to negative stimuli
- they respond more strongly to negative events than to equally positive ones
Check, Check, Check, Check, Check. Ugh.
Scott responded by amplifying the negativity I brought home, creating an ugly vortex that began to spiral out of control despite our best efforts. We became so crude that even the most innocent comment hurt. Our marriage was going red. we needed a COE… without the firing line. I reached out to Karla Obernesser, dear friend, marriage counselor, and co-founder of WeDoRelationships. I respected and trusted Carla immensely, but I didn’t want to cross the line from friend to counselor. He told me about Dr. John and Julie Gottman, renowned marriage authorities and creators of the Gottman Method, the world’s leading approach to couples therapy. Karla suggested looking for a certified Gottman consultant. I looked up the Gottmans. I didn’t have far to look. Their practice was in Seattle.
Dr. John Gottman is known for conducting 40+ years of research on marriage stability. John Gottman can watch a 10-minute conversation between romantic partners and identify patterns of behavior that with 90% accuracy predict divorce in the next six years. Naturally, he wanted to meet with Scott and I before we agreed to consult. It was like sitting next to a very wise, kind, somewhat wrinkled grandfather who wore a yarmulke in a room full of books and papers. But this wasn’t a Hallmark movie and John was Dr Gottman, not my grandfather. As we talked, Dr. Gottman subtly assessed and mentally calculated the potential success of our marriage and whether he could help us.
Over the next few months, John guided us through the Gottman Method. It exposed us to information and skills we hadn’t learned or experienced growing up, such as how to break a dead end, turn around, make and receive hookup offers. It helped us recreate a shared sense of meaning. We’ve learned that a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative language can predict successful relationships, and that happy couples have a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative expressions when they’re just chatting. Dr. John and Julie Gottman discovered that the four behavioral predictors of divorce or separation are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. They call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
There was much to learn and unlearn. Change is hard, but Scott and I were motivated. We switched horses, realized the positives in each other, and learned to fight better because our relationship was worth fighting for. In fact, I have worked harder and fought harder for my marriage than anything else in my life. Sometimes I felt our relationship was hanging by a thread. Not a golden thread, mind you, but a crumpled piece of twine, frayed and gray, in danger of breaking under the weight. When things got too heavy, friends and counseling lightened my spirit, reignited my commitment, and helped me push through until I was able to banish the darkness of negativity and find the positive in Scott, others, and life again. To me, marriage requires a community effort and requires constant care, maintenance and adjustment.
In the process of our meeting and getting to know each other, Giannis encouraged me to put my thoughts and stories on paper, to write a book. He gave me his publisher’s business card (I think it was his publisher?), telling me to call him when I was ready. I taped this business card to the bottom corner of my computer, where my eye tends to land. It represents hope, I guess. It’s been years since I first stuck this card. Over time, the tape starts to curl a little at the edges. Occasionally, I stick new tape over the old, so there are now multiple layers securing this card. But the card got stuck. So is our marriage. Without John’s encouragement and advice, I probably wouldn’t be married, and you probably wouldn’t be reading this book.
Everything I focus on gets bigger while everything else recedes. When I focus on mistakes, I find many. Focusing on correcting the mistakes of others is a mistake that puts my relationships in the red at home and at work. Instead, there is a great deal of research from Gottmans, the Mayo Clinic, Harvard, the National Institutes of Health, etc. about the benefits of positivity and a positive mindset, such as:
- better relationships
- improved productivity, creativity and engagement
- improved emotional and physical health
- reduced stress; happier and more confident
- attracting positive and positive people (because it’s contagious and likeable!)
Check, Check, Check, Check, Check. Yes!
I couldn’t change the culture at Microsoft. Enduring the COE’s constant focus on what was wrong was exhausting. But the resistance is not in vain. My team and others took time to laugh, celebrate, support and reinforce the little things that make big differences. By often doing small things, my relationship with Scott and others went from red to green, from correcting mistakes to celebrating successes. Along the way, my point of view changed, my perspective changed, my future changed. I changed. Because life doesn’t get better by accident. it gets better with change.
Control.