I hear so often from men and women who are having marital problems, as well as couples going through a divorce, that one or both partners continue to bring up the past; What does bringing up the past mean? It can mean a few different things:
1. What did each do when they were single (before they even met). For example, “I can’t believe you were such a womanizer and slept with all these women!” or “Did you have a one night stand when you were 21?!”
2. What each did in the early years of dating and/or marriage. For example, “Do you know you never changed a single diaper when our kids were babies?” or “I can’t believe you were so mean to me on Lou’s wedding night.”
3. What they have been doing recently – as the marriage began to fall apart. For example, “You’ve been out to dinner with your girlfriends every Thursday for the past month. How do you think that makes me feel?’ or “You should have been at my mom’s 70th birthday party. I can’t believe you’re going to miss me.”
Here’s an email I received from a reader whose wife keeps bringing up the past:
I have been with my husband since the age of 18 and we have been married for almost 30 years and have three children. The first 20 years were great. Unfortunately, that all changed about 5 years ago. At some point early in our marriage, information leaked during an alcoholic night about my sexual past before I met him.
He got very upset. He seemed to let it go and I thought he had dealt with it and we had moved on. But five years ago, after watching a film that reflected our situation, he lost it and went out walking in the rain for hours. He came back and broke down emotionally and said I had ruined him and our marriage. He told me he didn’t respect me and that I had tricked him into marrying me thinking I was a certain type of person when in reality I was a fake manipulative whore.
We went to counselling, but that didn’t work. I don’t know if I should stay or break up. We have no sex life or physical contact and he watches porn on a regular basis, despite the fact that he knows it hurts me. But, in every other way, he supports me. He supports my career, he is a partner at home in business and we are comfortable financially. We also have a lot in common and have a lot of fun together.
Three words come to mind after reading this: This. Poor. Woman.
I’m not a therapist, but I don’t think it takes one to figure out what’s going on here. This guy, who was very happily married, was hiding his own issue with sex and sex addiction. When he heard what his wife did many, many years ago, he became furious because he is secretly ashamed that he wants to do the same thing now!
He constantly watches porn because of his own sex addiction (or whatever is going on with him) and shifts his pain and shame onto his wife (who has done nothing wrong!) He is angry at himself. He hates himself for looking at porn, but wants to blame her. He’s trying desperately not to face the fact that he’s addicted to sex, and the easiest way to do that is to bring up the past and accuse her of being young and irresponsible – before they were married!!
In my opinion, this man needs talk to a therapist, realize what he is doing and get help for his sexual problems. This woman did nothing wrong!! When a couple starts dating exclusively – when they talk about not seeing other people anymore – that’s when things really start to count. So the past doesn’t matter!
If the couple is truly committed, then they should accept each other for who they are, which means they shouldn’t dwell on what happened to each of them in the past, before they met each other (or even before they became exclusive, for that matter)
For example, if one of them slept with 100 people, they can choose to disclose it, (which I would recommend – I don’t think anyone should get married without it being an open book) but if they have been tested for STDs and are now committed to is he monogamous does it really matter? I really don’t think so.
If you started dating exclusively on April 8u, then anything that happened before April 8th shouldn’t matter. There are exceptions. But I would say mostly, why does it really matter? It seems this woman was a bit sexually promiscuous. As long as she stopped the behavior when the two were exclusive, and as long as she didn’t harm anyone, and as long as she was sexually responsible — getting tested for STDs, etc., then why does her past matter? Moreover, this man and woman were married for almost 30 years! Doesn’t three decades of a wonderful marriage trump anything he’s done in the past?
The bottom line is, whether it’s something your partner did before you met, during the marriage, or in the divorce, digging up the past is completely counterproductive and a huge waste of time. In fact, it is detrimental to having a good marriage and/or having an amicable divorce.
Bringing up the past only creates resentment and hostility. Bringing up the past causes anger, frustration and bad feelings in general. I mean, how is bringing up the past helpful? Can you do something about what happened in the past? No!
All that said, if you and your spouse are discovering the past, here are some tips on what you can do:
1. Realize that bringing up the past is not productive, get a hold of yourself and stop.
2. Apologize. If your spouse says, “You never helped when the kids were babies,” take a minute to say, “I’m really sorry about that. I can’t change the past, but I want you to know that I approve of what you’re saying. I should have helped and for that, I sincerely apologize.”
3. Use the information of the past to change for the better now and in the future. Maybe if you never helped when your kids were babies, offer to start helping out more now – with housework, driving the kids, etc. .
In closing, what people who bring up the past fail to realize is that there is nothing you can do to change what happened. In other words, how does bringing up the past serve you? He doesn’t. So, what will serve you? Focusing on today and tomorrow and beyond. What can make your marriage better? What can help you have a better divorce? If you stop looking back and start looking forward, you will watch your life become much more productive and better. Try it!
