It’s no secret that the decision to have children or not is an important one in romantic relationships. So important, in fact, that your preference for kids is a profile option on many dating apps so you can filter out people who aren’t compatible with your needs.
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Of course, you are likely to change your mind on this important topic as well. You might be sure you don’t want kids at age 29, but by 35, you’ll start to see the other side of things — or vice versa. When this happens, communication is obviously essential, as well as listening to your partner and understanding any other factors that may be at play, such as health or fertility. And that’s where a couple on Reddit’s Am I the Asshole forum run into some issues.
While the couple initially agreed that they wanted to get married and have kids soon after they started dating, his boyfriend changed his tune a few years ago. Now the two have been together for six years, and his girlfriend — aka our OP, which is Reddit-speak for the original poster, or the person who wrote the post — may need a hysterectomy due to health issues. And her boyfriend isn’t so sure he wants to stick around if that happens.
Yes, we’re going crazy just thinking about it. Keep reading for the full story and to find out what Reddit had to say.
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A change of mind
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OP and her boyfriend, both 35, have been together “for six years,” she writes. Initially her boyfriend said he wanted to get married and have children together as soon as possible. “Then…suddenly…a few years ago he decided to get married and children are not for him ‘soon,'” she says. “He assured me he only wanted me, he just needed time.”
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Health concerns
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Recently, OP has been dealing with “some serious health issues,” which may require a hysterectomy (surgical removal of the uterus). She has already made it clear to her doctor that she wants a womb-sparing procedure if possible. “I want kids,” she writes. “None of this is my fault and it’s completely unexpected. I am devastated. We are awaiting results to determine my surgical options.”
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“I feel so hurt”
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In the midst of this shock and pain, OP’s boyfriend “decided to be very honest,” admitting that he would leave her if she needed the hysterectomy. “He’s like, ‘I’m not allowed to have kids?? How is it fair to expect me to be okay with never having kids?”
The OP is crushing. “I feel so hurt,” she writes. “He says it like I’m selfish for thinking he should stay with me.” Plus, she points out, “she could have married me and had children with me years ago before these unforeseen health issues occurred.”
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OP Thinks *She* Is the A-Hole?
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The OP is done, understandably, and ready to leave her boyfriend. But after six years of dating, she has some fears about whether this is the right choice. She wants to know if she is wrong to leave her boyfriend for those comments, regardless of whether she gets a hysterectomy or not. “I feel like I’m being dragged along [is] It’s okay for him to lose me now that I’m older and it’s no use to him anymore.” … Something that is awful for your partner to do to you Any time, let alone after six years together.
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Reddit’s Take
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Overwhelmingly, Reddit’s response is that the OP is definitely not wrong here. “This seems like a garbage out situation,” one commenter wrote, matter-of-factly. “His love is conditional, and he’s unreliable… He’s definitely not the person you want around when the going gets tough, and parenting is always tough.” As difficult as the situation is, the commenter concluded that getting out of the relationship “will turn out to be a blessing for you.”
The supernumerary comment agreed, urging the OP to “get rid of this joke of a boy you’re wasting your life on… He doesn’t seem to have any intention of marrying you and if he did, “in sickness or in health” It wouldn’t mean a thing to him ».
Other Redditors speculated that she may have been using the process as an excuse to leave the relationship. “He doesn’t want to start a family with you, he never did,” one person wrote. “Now he has a reason to make this all your fault so that when he finally leaves he won’t be the bad guy. The fact that he makes your medical problems about him is proof of that. Leave him, you deserve better than to be his owner.’
Indeed, it seems that the OP’s friend is following the pattern of men abandoning their partner when they have health problems, which he has scientifically proven. “[L]many men do it when their partners get sick. You just found out your ‘man’ is one of those men,” one commenter said. “She cares more about the hypothetical children…than a very real and serious health problem you’re dealing with.”
In case we need to say, we’re with Reddit on this one. OP deserves so much more than a man whose biggest concern, in the face of her health issues, is how they bother him.
