Contact is an oft-discussed topic and is something that most couples struggle with for a variety of reasons. When people refer to “communication,” it’s a broad term that includes various aspects of a relationship. In this article, I will address some critical aspects of communication in marriage that you and your partner need to work on.
What is communication in marriage?
Communication in marriage involves open dialogue and respect between both partners about their inner feelings, needs and frustrations in order to develop a close and fruitful relationship.
4 steps to better communication in marriage
1-Communicate about your Inner Worlds
First, consider how effectively you and your partner communicate about your inner worlds, which include your daily thoughts and feelings. These thoughts can include various aspects of your life, such as your children, finances, work and friends. Often, many thoughts remain unshared with our partner, leading to feelings of disconnection and distance. To address this issue, I developed the Head Heart Check tool as a simple way for couples to connect and share their evolving inner worlds. As time goes by, your highs and lows change, as does your partner’s. Therefore, it is necessary to stay informed about each other’s inner worlds to improve communication. Sharing your inner worlds regularly is key to cultivating deep friendship, closeness, and a soulful connection.
2-Communicate about your conflicts
Second, it is important to improve communication around conflicts. Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, as imperfections are part of our human nature. When our imperfections collide with our partner’s, conflicts arise due to unmet needs and hurt feelings. Effective communication through these conflicts is vital to a healthy relationship. I created the Reunite Conflict Resolution Tool to help couples overcome conflict in an emotionally safe way. Often, unresolved conflicts and lingering resentments remain unresolved, further dividing partners. Unresolved conflicts act as barriers, eroding physical and emotional intimacy. Therefore, learning how to communicate more effectively during conflict is essential to building a stronger, healthier relationship. If you need help using the Reunite Tool, start working with one of my relationship coaches who are trained experts in it.
3-Contact us for your needs
The third area where improved communication is essential is your needs in your marriage. What are your specific needs in your relationship? These needs could include a variety of things, such as quality time, affection, sexual intimacy, words of affirmation, thoughtful gestures, or support for your interests. There are many ways to feel loved in a relationship, but there are also things that bother you—actions or behaviors of your partner that cause negative feelings. How well do you and your partner communicate about these needs and dislikes, desires and aversions? How often do you discuss these topics and how effectively do you communicate your feelings about these topics to your partner?
To address these challenges, I developed the “Love Bucket” tool, which is also my app for couples, “Keep the Glow” (KtG). If you are looking to strengthen communication about your primary needs to feel loved and the aspects of your relationship that are troubling you, KTG can be a valuable resource. I understand the importance of this need firsthand, as my wife and I faced similar difficulties during difficult times in our relationship. At one point, I found myself thinking, “The things I need it not to do and the things I don’t like, it does!” The dilemma was how to raise this issue without igniting a fight or defensive reactions. Likewise, my wife faced challenges in addressing her needs with me. I developed KtG to create a safe channel for couples to communicate openly about their relationship needs and dislikes.
4-Communicate via Bullseye question
Number four is a simple but very effective tool called the “Bullseye Question”. You may have heard me discuss the bullseye question before, as it happens to be one of my favorite tools due to its simplicity and deep resonance. Here’s how the bullseye works: Once a day, you and your partner ask each other “What’s one thing I did right today, and what’s one thing I could have done better?” This simple survey comes with one ground rule – the only response allowed is “Thanks for the feedback”. This ground rule is essential so you don’t become defensive, make excuses, or shift the blame onto your partner. Engaging in such defensive behavior will discourage your partner from providing feedback in the future, resulting in unresolved issues piling up and potentially causing more conflict down the line.
The Bullseye Question serves as a daily maintenance tool to enhance communication between you and your partner, ultimately contributing to a happier marriage. The first part of the question, “What is one thing I did right today,” benefits both partners. It allows you to reinforce positive behaviors because knowing what you did right encourages you to continue those actions. At the same time, it prompts your partner to actively look for the positive aspects in your actions, promoting a more optimistic outlook. Usually, many of us focus on our partner’s shortcomings, but intentionally looking for their positive energies every day trains our brains to recognize and appreciate the bright spots. Also, when discussing what your partner did right, go beyond just appreciation and delve into what those actions said about their character. For example, instead of saying, “I appreciated how you unloaded the dishwasher last night,” you could say, “I appreciated how you unloaded the dishwasher because it showed your thoughtfulness because you knew I was tired.” This change turns your appreciation into a compliment, as you now highlight your partner’s character traits. This deeper level of communication can have a significant impact on your partner’s feelings and overall relationship satisfaction.
Now, when you ask “What’s one thing I could have done better,” remember to put their feedback into one of three buckets. The first bucket is the “bucket” which means the feedback is related to a specific one-time occasion and does not reflect your typical behavior. It’s not your fault, and you can let it go because it’s a single use situation. The second bucket is the “all me bucket,” meaning that the feedback points to an important area of improvement that is solely your responsibility to work on. More often than not, though, you’ll find yourself putting your feedback into a third “partly not me, partially me” bucket that says some of the feedback wasn’t your fault, but part of it.
Take some time the next day to reflect on the feedback, looking for the kernel of truth on which you can improve. This leverages your partner as your greatest asset for personal growth. Once you identify the core truth, take action to address it. This approach enables you to work with yourself without feeling cramped or defensive. No one requires you to own everything, and it avoids the common pitfalls associated with criticism and defensiveness. So by practicing this exercise once a day and responding with a simple “Thanks for the feedback,” you can really transform your communication. Also, the Bullseye question is the only time either partner should voice complaints in marriage to avoid blind spots.
In summary, these are the four ways to improve your communication in marriage.
1. Communicate about your Inner Worlds
2. Communicate about your conflicts
3. Contact us about your needs
4. Communicate via Bullseye question
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How could these 4 marriage communication tips improve your relationship?
