“Not all churches.”
Every once in a while, after reading my writings on marital and religious harm, someone will decide to let everyone know that what they just read doesn’t apply to every situation.
I’m fine with the subtle distinction.
But where there is a history of minimizing, deflecting and shifting blame whenever evil is invoked, we must ask why immediate “fixes”, in self-evident contexts, are a solution.
Some of the common returns in these simple frames (eg “behavior x hurts”) include
- “My pastor is not like that.”
- “Not all churches are like that.”
- “Not all marriages.”
- “We need to talk about all the other good churches so people don’t think all churches are like that.”
- “I know a lot of good guys and my husband is one of them.”
Again, specificity is fine. However, sometimes the problem isn’t that someone isn’t specific enough.
Sometimes, the problem is that Christians get so invested in flattering, pleasurable experiences that they assume they are failing in their faith if painful experiences don’t take a “redemptive” spin. Read more about “Testimonies,” confused Hallelujahs, and Christian reluctance to sit with hard stories
But as I said last week, God doesn’t need anyone to bypass or make something up to be what they’re not in order to achieve some happy “Christian” ideal.
The truth is, we can call things what they are: Naming our experiences and acknowledging the truth of our reality is actually a critical component of walking in truth.
Tired of the religious refrains used to justify your wounded reality? Were you told to take your place in the valley of desolation? Are you hurt by wolves in sheep’s clothing? Are you walking through life with a broken, disconnected soul? Courage: Reflections and Liberation for the Hurting Soul it’s for women who are tired of harmful theology and bad marriage advice. You deserve more. Order “Courage” at Amazon I PDF
“Not all marriages” answer: They are not always for you
It is important to remember that not all discussions focus on examining “normal relationship conditions.”
Some forums and discussions focus on the experiences of those who damage chronic relationships and systems. In other words, just because you’re good and healthy doesn’t mean everyone else is.
Those without “normal range” marriage problems also deserve a space to grieve, explore, learn, and grow. They deserve to know when a relationship has gone beyond the intent and boundaries of a healthy relationship and into something else.
They deserve to know when their connection is no longer based on truth, honesty and loyalty and when it becomes necessary to prioritize individual safety and well-being over group mentality.
Their experiences are valid and deserve equal space and compassion. Their existence is not a competition. There is no “agenda” against churches or marriages. People don’t talk about what hurts and how to heal because they woke up one morning and decided to “hate” church or marriage.
The fact is, and as we will explore shortly, committed Christians truly love the church and safe healthy Christian communities. They love their spouses and families. They are not looking for a way out. They would like to pass. Read more Christian women do not escape healthy marriages
So these forums that feel so threatening to some Christians are actually a lifeline to many who have been told their hellish experiences are typical/something they, as targets of harm or chronic irresponsibility, need to work through.
And as places of faith, we all need to understand that encouraging, uplifting, and affirming (versus whining, correcting, preaching) those in the depths of chronically hurtful marriages and systems is what we are supposed to be as Christians.
(PS. This section is a reminder to those of us who need to stop focusing ourselves and our good experiences on other people’s hurt stories. It is not for those who have been devastated and, on their healing journey, are learning about safe relationships and appreciate the reminder that safe, healthy marriages do exist.)
Answering “Not All Churches”: Understanding Religion and the Abuse and Trauma Relationship
In addition to the “not all churches” and “not all marriages” answers, many Christians (intentionally or not) do not understand religious harm or relationship harm.
Evangelical and conservative faith spaces often accuse those who leave church buildings of lack of faith, not being serious about God, or being overly sensitive.
It’s the same mentality that leads Christians to flock to those who create boundaries with immature, irresponsible people or who seek life-saving divorces/separations with responses like
- “They lack Christian love.”
- “They’re shellacked.”
- “They don’t want to fight for their relationships.”
- “Their expectations are very high.”
- “They expect perfection from imperfect people.”
I think it’s long overdue for us to accept that evangelical Christianity is getting it wrong.
Those who hurt deeply loved deeply: Often, the most committed get hurt the most. Those who give their soul and life to the success of a relationship/belief system tend to be the ones who sink to the depths of grief when their commitment is rejected.
Think about it: if people were as shallow as they are accused of being, why would they be in pain? Why the mourning if church and relationships didn’t matter? If it didn’t matter to me to stay, it wouldn’t matter to me to leave.
If it was the church people who came out last*, if the community never mattered to begin with, there would be no trauma in their hearts, no pain as they control their injury – you don’t really mourn something you didn’t have/thought you had.
It’s the donors of resources, time and soul who feel the gut punch when religious communities repeatedly drop the ball. Marriages are ones that agonize and hurt when their commitment is betrayed and treated as disposable.
We all need to understand this: if it didn’t matter *then*, it won’t matter *now.* I hope for a day when more of us understand religious and relationship abuse and trauma and stop labeling the traumatized as superficial grabbers who didn’t love or care enough.
Because they really did. And their output or their criticism should lead us to our reflection and development, not to our hierarchism and regression.
You can’t fix a bad marriage on your own.
Sometimes, the problem in Christian marriages is that one person is encouraged to have a “group mentality” while the other is allowed to continue, without dealing with their self-centeredness. Sometimes, the problem is that one partner absorbs all the responsibilities of the relationship while the other “enjoys” the benefits. The gap between what happens to us in relationships and how we have learned to respond is why I wrote Courage: Reflections and Liberation for Hurting Souls. You deserve better. Order the book “Courage”. Amazon I PDF
