My girlfriend has been acting a bit suspicious lately and I feel like she might be seeing another guy. She’s glued to her phone and seems to have a lot more plans these days than usual. I don’t know – is he cheating or am I paranoid? I asked her and she said she isn’t and was hurt that I would suggest it. Why do I always think my girlfriend is cheating? It’s not the first time I’ve suspected her. I just have a big fear of cheating and losing my girlfriend. Please tell me how to tell if he is cheating.
Answer:
Mistrust or lack of faith in your partner can either come from an insecurity or fear you carry, or it can also be due to your partner’s behavior. Often, the two end up complementing each other to create a torturous space where you can’t trust your partner and feel guilty about it. Instead of trying to find out if he is cheating or not – which will only add to your fear – it would be helpful to understand the basis of that fear.
Engage in introspection and ask yourself, “What is the root of this fear?” As you approach this topic, do so with curiosity and the intent to understand. Avoid judging and criticizing yourself as this will hinder your thought process. Instead of trying to classify your beliefs and feelings as good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, focus on simply noticing them and considering their purpose for being here.
Related reading: Cheating in a long distance relationship
- Your fear of your girlfriend cheating on you may likely stem from painful past experiences of some kind or an inherent belief that you are unlovable, which manifests itself in this way. I would recommend talking to a counselor or therapist to analyze your internalized beliefs so they stop interfering with your life in this way.
- Contact your girlfriend about the difficulty you are facing. However, instead of framing it as an accusation, make sure to emphasize your emotional experience, for example, “I’m afraid you’ll cheat on me.” Instead of “You’re cheating on me, be honest.” The second sentence makes the other person feel accused, threatened and insulted. In that case, they would get defensive and the conversation could turn hostile.
- Be open to your partner’s perspective as well, instead of shutting him out.
- Think about whether your girlfriend has ever given you reasons not to trust her, or if she has done anything to hurt your trust in her. Your paranoia could have some basis in reality as well. If he’s done something in the past to hurt your trust, ask yourself if that colors how you feel right now.
- Work on identifying the situations that trigger your distrust. She might be on her phone and hiding her phone from you, for example. Notice how these triggers make you feel – neglected, alone, abandoned, angry, etc.
- Work on building trust in the relationship by expressing your needs, spending quality time together, and creating emotional intimacy.
Related reading: Get your girlfriend to admit she cheated
This process can seem daunting to undertake alone, but remember that you are not alone and that it is okay to lean on your partner for reassurance. However, it is your responsibility to put in the work for yourself as well. Seeking therapy can also be beneficial, as a therapist can help you explore the causes of your fear, understand your triggers, and develop better communication and coping techniques.
Frequent questions
There may be some of the following signs if your girlfriend cheated on you. However, remember that these signs do not necessarily mean that cheating was involved. Rather, they are indicative of problems in the relationship.
1. Sudden changes in behavior, such as becoming secretive and hiding things from you
2. Lack of intimacy, physical or emotional. He may appear to be avoiding spending time with you, making excuses to be elsewhere, etc.
3. Decreased interest in the relationship, such as talking about the future together, celebrating important milestones. A general disinterest or disengagement in the relationship.
4. Inconsistency and unexplained absences.
There could be several reasons behind feeling paranoid that your girlfriend is cheating on you, including:
1. Previous experiences where you were cheated on or your partner disengaged with you. It could also be due to seeing people around you either participating in or being affected by infidelity.
2. Insecurity leading to difficulty trusting. In the sense that it is hard for you to believe that your girlfriend could commit to you because of your low opinion of yourself.
3. Feelings of inadequacy, in other words, feeling like you’re not good enough for your partner
4. Fear of abandonment
5. Unresolved relationship conflicts and unmet needs.
6. It could also be a gut feeling.
Since this is an emotionally charged situation, it must be approached delicately. Avoid placing blame or accusations, as this will lead to your girlfriend feeling defensive and offensive, and the conversation can become painful for both of you. Here are some things to keep in mind:
1. Get clarity on your feelings. The point is to communicate how you feel, so focus on that. Think about how her behavior made you feel and what triggered it. Also try to see if there is evidence to support your suspicions.
2. Pick a time and place that doesn’t make either person feel uncomfortable and avoid bringing this conversation up in the middle of an argument.
3. Be specific about her behavior that made you feel paranoid. Respectfully ask her to clear up situations that made you feel paranoid.
4. Be open to hearing her end of the story as well. Communication is a two-way street.
Before starting this conversation, be clear about what you expect to come out of it and why you’re having it. Remember to take care of yourself during this process as it can be quite emotionally and mentally draining.
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