Whether you know your relationship attachment style or not, it plays an important role in your daily life. It affects how you fall in love (and if you fall in love at all), how close you feel to the people in your life, and how easy or difficult it is for you to be vulnerable with others.
Understanding your attachment style can be beneficial if you want to improve your everyday relationships, whether it’s with your partner, friends, family, or even yourself. So let’s talk about attachment theory, the different types of relationship attachment styles, and how to find out which one is yours.
What is attachment theory?
Attachment styles describe our behaviors in relationships, be they romantic, platonic, or family relationships. Depending on your relationship attachment style, your views, beliefs, and the way you seek relationships will differ from people with a different attachment style than yours.
Attachment theory was first developed by a British psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s, but is still relevant today. He identified the three different types of attachment (later, a fourth was added) between children and their caregivers and how it affects children’s development.
Our attachment styles are formed early in childhood, however, certain experiences we live as adults can influence our attachment style. For example, an adult with a secure attachment style may experience trauma during adulthood, which may cause them to develop an insecure attachment.
Also, it is possible to change your attachment style from insecure to secure with the help of therapy and conscious work. While it is no easy feat, it is certainly doable.
What are the different attachment styles?
Relationship attachment styles fall into two broad groups: secure (~50% of the population) and insecure attachments. There are three different types of insecure attachment styles: avoidant (~25% of the population), anxious (~20% of the population), and disorganized (~4% of the population).
In the 1970s, psychologist Mary Ainsworth and her colleagues conducted an experiment called The Strange Situation involving children and their mothers to examine how different attachment styles work. The researchers observed the children and their reactions to their mothers leaving them alone in a room with toys and other adults coming in and out of the room.
Let’s look at each attachment style and their behavior patterns:
Safe
People with a secure attachment style have no problem being in a relationship, and are also okay with being single. Researchers Brennan, Clark, and Shaver used a two-attachment scale to measure avoidance and anxiety scores that people with different attachment styles in relationships have, and secure attachment people score low on both anxiety and avoidance.
In Mary Ainsworth’s experiment, when the securely attached child’s mother left the room, the child was visibly distressed and upset. However, once the mother returned, the child could be soothed and comforted to feel well once more.
“When you were upset as a child and went to your parents for comfort, if they were good at calming you down quickly and building trust by always being there for you, you probably developed a secure attachment style.” says licensed professional counselor, Jeff Guenther;
Avoidable
People with an avoidant attachment style often find it difficult to be in close relationships, they may avoid long-term romantic relationships altogether. They might engage in only casual relationships or avoid any kind of romantic relationship altogether.
According to Brennan, Clark, and Shaver’s Two Attachment Dimension Scale, avoidant individuals score high on avoidance and low on anxiety. In Ainsworth’s experiment, when the avoidantly attached child’s mother left the room, they showed no signs of distress and showed no emotion when the mother returned.
“When you were upset as a child and your suffering was ignored or dismissed, so you learned to disconnect from your uncomfortable feelings because you couldn’t trust that your parents would ever be there for you, you probably developed an avoidant attachment,” she explains. Guenther.
Avoidants still crave intimacy despite avoiding relationships. Thus, they can often seem very interested in the beginning of the relationship, during the “chaser” stage, and then withdraw once the person they are pursuing reciprocates their feelings.
This is because of the deep-seated belief that some avoidant people have that they are unlovable. When someone cares to love him, he finds it difficult to believe and accept, explains sex researcher Nicholas Velotta;
Worried
Anxiety-affiliated people crave intimacy and relationships and struggle with being alone. According to Brennan, Clark, and Shaver’s Two Attachment Dimension Scale, anxiously attached individuals score high on anxiety and low on avoidance.
In Ainsworth’s experiment, when the mother of the anxious clinger left the room, they showed visible signs of distress. And then when the mother came back, they continued to be upset and it was hard to calm down. Sometimes, they functioned as a way to “punish” the mother for leaving the room.
“When you were upset as a child and your parents couldn’t easily calm you down and couldn’t build trust because they were sporadically around you, which you didn’t feel trusted, you probably developed an anxious attachment style.” explains Guenther.
Disorganized
People with a disorganized attachment style tend to want relationships and intimacy, but have trouble being in relationships. Disorganized people tend to have behavior patterns from both anxious and avoidant attachment styles. According to Brennan, Clark and Shaver’s Two Attachment Dimension Scale, disorganized people have high avoidance and high anxiety.
In Ainsworth’s experiment, children with disorganized attachment styles showed inconsistent behavior toward their departing and returning mothers. Sometimes they were visibly upset, sometimes they were afraid of their mother, and sometimes they even showed signs of aggression.
“If you grew up in a chaotic, manipulative, threatening, or abusive environment and you were just trying to survive and your parents were sometimes there for you, but also sometimes very scary, you probably developed a disorganized attachment,” Ginder explains.
Research shows that there is a link between childhood abuse and disorganized attachment styles in adults, and that disorganized individuals tend to have the highest number of romantic partners compared to other attachment styles.
Why it’s important to know your relationship attachment style
While everyone has an attachment style, not everyone knows theirs. But it’s important to know your relationship attachment style. The reason is that it can allow you to create and develop a better relationship with your partner and allows you to better understand yourself and your behavior patterns.
It also allows you to understand your partner’s needs, and if you both know your attachment styles and are willing to communicate, you can better meet each other’s needs. If you have an anxious attachment style and your partner has an avoidant style, you may struggle to find common ground in a relationship when you don’t know why your partner behaves the way they do.
Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel SF Heller, MA, authors of the book Attachedbelieve that knowing attachment theory and using effective communication can be a huge help in determining whether or not your partner is a good fit.
“If your partner is responsive and genuinely concerned about your happiness and safety, you have the green light to move forward with the relationship. If, however, your partner tries to avoid important topics, acts defensively, or makes you feel stupid or needy, you should watch this as a serious warning sign,” they write.
Here’s how to determine your relationship attachment style
You may have already identified your relationship attachment style while reading this blog post. But whether you already know, or still want to learn, we have some good resources.
First of all, the book we mentioned, Attachment, is a great place to start. It has an explanation of attachment theory, as well as each attachment style, a quick quiz you can take, and guidance on how to identify your partner’s attachment style. It also has resources on how to apply your knowledge of attachment styles to your relationships.
Otherwise, you might want to take an online quiz. There are many available online, but we recommend getting it longer research developed by R. Chris Fraley, Ph.D.a psychologist at the University of Illinois who specializes in attachment theory.
