Recognize your limits in dealing with a loved one’s problematic behavior.
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Can you accept reality and act accordingly?
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Do your expectations match what is actually happening?
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It is possible to see through denial.
Everyone faces difficult situations, troubled relationships and family conflicts that can be difficult to deal with. One of the ways to reduce how upsetting such situations are is to refuse to see the truth. At its simplest, you ignore the weather reports because you don’t want to carry an umbrella, telling yourself it won’t rain — but you end up getting wet. This is annoying, but no big deal. Or your GPS tells you there’s traffic ahead, but you don’t really want to swerve. How bad could it be? So you waste some time.
But what happens when you don’t allow yourself to see and accept an important reality because it’s scary or you have expectations of yourself that don’t match what’s really happening? Then the consequences can be significant and harmful.
Maybe your spouse is spending money you don’t have, plunging you into financial worries and debt. They promise it won’t keep happening and, because it’s easier said than done, you believe them. You tell yourself that things will be okay, that they know better now. And yet the situation does not change. As I discuss in my new book AM I LYING TO MYSELF? How to overcome Refusal and see the truth Denial is a coping mechanism that makes things seem more positive than they are. But as long as you let denial rule your life, you’ll never escape whatever it is that’s bogging you down and causing you pain.
One of my patients, I’ll call her Ann, experiences denial in relation to her brother, who has struggled with substance use for decades. He had been trying to get clean for at least two decades and she was with him every step of the way, holding his hand, trying to encourage him to stop doing drugs, offering support whenever he hit the ground running. Despite all her efforts, his heroin addiction remained uncontrollable, so much so that he overdosed twice in the last year. But Ann believes she can fix him, that all the effort and time and concern she puts into him will make a difference. In fact, all the effort she puts in just drains her away from her own family and life.
he is not alone. Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay spoke in public about a similar situation in which he tried to help his younger brother with a cocaine addiction. So much of the effort is tied up in guilt, feeling like you have to be a good enough sister or brother, that keeps you from letting go of a loved one. Ultimately, however, too much of yourself can be lost.
When Ann’s brother overdosed a second time, she abandoned all her plans to take care of him. He never even thanked her. Instead, he shared with her that he really thinks the drug use is bigger than it is. He is tired and does not see himself able to overcome it.
Hearing this was unbearable for Ann. The idea that he couldn’t get up, that he wouldn’t go to therapy or take medication from a psychiatrist, that all the suggestions he offered him didn’t help, was more than he could bear. believe. The truth is that she can only be supportive to the extent that she can accept her suggestions and implement them. No matter what he does, it means nothing if he can’t accept it. In order to break the pattern, Ann needs clarity about her expectations of herself, what she believes it means to be a loving sister, and how much support she can provide before her brother’s drug use takes over her life. .
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