Have you ever felt your partner pull away from you and the more you pushed, the more he or she backed away?
Or maybe you’ve been on the other end of that drama where your partner’s pushy energy pulled you further away from him or her.
If so, you are definitely not alone!
We see this push drama in so many relationships, in our past relationships – and it comes up every now and then even now in our relationship.
Here’s a letter from Claire on this topic where she asks a question that is an extremely common relationship challenge…
“Dear Suzy and Otto,
My husband and I have a good relationship but sometimes he crawls so far into his hole that I can’t reach him and it drives me crazy. I end up asking him “what’s going on” many times and pressuring him for some kind of answer, but all it does is make him withdraw from me even more!
What can I do to give him the space he needs, but still feel a connection with him?”
Here is our answer…
Your question must be as old as Adam and Eve and just as frustrating whether you are the “pusher” or the “ulcer.”
It’s only natural to start pushing when you feel love is being taken away from you.
This is a very primal impulse from your old lizard brain that sees everything as a threat to your immediate survival.
It’s a pretty short-sighted view of your relationship and situation, but it’s what many of us do repeatedly even when we know better.
It is also very natural to react from that same lizard brain when you feel pushed by either pushing back or withdrawing and moving away.
So the question is…
How do you tell your lizard brain to relax and react (or not react at all) from the part of you that isn’t caught up in story and emotion?
Here are 3 ways we use when we fall into this push/pull trap to get our relationship back on track – that you can you too use…
1. Recognize when you’ve fallen into the push/pull trap
Nothing can change until you start noticing when you are in the pattern.
A woman we know has lived in hell for many years with her adult daughter. “Trying” to be helpful and loving, the woman suggests and makes introductions to her daughter without being asked. Her daughter walks away.
When we asked her to tell us about a recent time this happened, one question she used really set her daughter off –“Do you really want to do this?”
In other words, when this woman asked this question, her daughter listened “You’re not doing it right – you can’t think for yourself” and she did what her lizard brain told her and that was to get away from her mother.
Realizing the exact words and tone she used in these situations helped this woman see what was going on more clearly.
2. Recognize the thinking that creates this push-pull relationship drama
We all make up stories that may or may not be true. These thoughts just come and go.
If you want to maintain your connection, it’s your job to recognize when your mind chatter is distracting you in ways that can kill the connection and not buy it.
This woman learns to take a deep breath when she starts down this push/pull path and doesn’t pay any attention to the thought that she still has to guide her daughter’s life to be successful.
Claire’s thoughts (the woman who wrote) might go something like this…
“Something is wrong with us and I need to fix it immediately.”
Whatever your mind chatter is, acknowledge it, breathe, and stop yourself from doing what you normally do.
You don’t need to pay attention to it or act on it.
3. Speak from your heart without pushing
If your partner has withdrawn from you and “wants some space” either spoken or unspoken, as we said, it can be very scary and cause you a lot of doubt and anxiety, even in a “committed” relationship.
We’ve found that a few simple questions to learn more can help the situation.
With as much calmness as possible, you can ask this-
“What would ‘some space’ mean to you?”
And then listen without being defensive.
–>Free video gives you magic words to get it right every time–>
We know it can be hard to break old habits, but if you want to build more trust with each other, you need to listen – and that doesn’t mean you agree.
If your partner just keeps quiet and withdraws for a long time, you can ask something like this (after you calm yourself down)…
“I’ve been feeling distant from you and I’d like to know if it’s something I’ve said or done or if there’s something else on your mind. I would love it if I could feel more connected to you again. Do you want it too?’
The secret to ending push-pull relationship drama (or reducing the time you spend in it) is to be able to see what’s going on and rewrite how you talk and act when you’re in it.
This is just one way that people separate from each other and it doesn’t have to destroy relationships.
Begin today to challenge yourself to act and speak from a more conscious and loving place within yourself.
