Anger Management in Marriage – Marriage Missions International

“Have you been there. Your spouse says something, whether it’s intentional or not, and it’s like a punch in the stomach to the soul. You feel attacked, rejected, embarrassed. Immediately a counter-attack strategy begins to take shape in your mind, one that will rival D-Day in its overwhelming impact. You feel deep anger.

“You want to load your mouth and pull the trigger. Then you want to call in a round of devastating information that decimates your husband’s claim like a well-aimed airstrike. You want to unleash a verbal strike force that will reclaim every iota of lost ground and extract payment for every sting of wounded pride. You want to leave meekness in a box back at base and just go to war.” (Dave Harvey, from the book, When sinners say “I do“)

After reading this passage, not only did the truth hit us, but the following scriptures came to mind:

“A fool vents his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.” (Proverbs 29:11)

“An angry man causes discord, and a hot-tempered man commits many sins.” (Proverbs 29:22)

Should we fill the anger?

So, we wondered, since the above warnings come from the Bible, does that mean God expects us to bottle up our anger instead of expressing it? Does it mean we are stupid if we let our husband know how angry we are with him? No! It just means that we have to be careful about how and when we release it.

“Do you see a man who talks in a hurry? There is more hope for a fool than for him.’ (Proverbs 29:20) Giving full vent to our anger in haste (without considering the consequences or end result) is what makes us foolish and leads us into sin. “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding, but delights in expressing his own opinions.“ (Proverbs 18:2)

So, first, we want you to know that we have several articles posted on this site that could help you with your listening and communication skills. You will find them at Communication and conflict subject, as well as the Communication Tools theme.

Anger management in marriage

Additionally, when it comes to handling and expressing your anger, it’s important to note that there are many underlying issues deep within us that can cause us to flare up our anger in harmful ways.

Now, there is no doubt that it is best for every husband to deal with the root cause of his anger problems. We think we are angry because of our spouse. and that could be true. But often, there are underlying issues that can fuel the way we express our anger. And because of that fuel ignition, our anger can take off in all sorts of unhealthy directions. We know this from personal experience. However, we work on the root causes of why we let our anger go in unhealthy directions. It helped turn our marriage around in a positive direction. We recommend that you do the same for the health of your relationship.

But this article does not address underlying issues. So you’ll need to find other places to help you with these kinds of deeper issues. And that would be important to do. You want to get as far as you can”to be angry and not to sin» as the Bible tells us.

Anger management tips

But we CAN give you advice to help you handle your anger in healthier, more constructive ways so you don’t lash out with your anger. (And if your husband will read and apply them, maybe it could help him, too.) So, first, here’s some advice from Christian Counselor Leslie Vernick. They come from her article, “How to handle anger.” Leslie works with many angry abuse victims as well as angry spouses. She is very familiar with anger issues. Leslie writes:

“Here are some practical ideas to help you when your temper flares.

1. Pay attention to your body. Where do you feel your anger? In your belly? Is your heart pounding, nostrils flaring? Remember, your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19, 20). Give yourself a moment before reacting to your anger. Take a few deep breaths. Count to 10. Immerse your hands in ice. Give your prefrontal cortex (the thinking part of your brain) a minute or two to regroup.

2. What about your automatic thoughts? What do you say to yourself in your rage? Is true? Breathe again. Ask yourself and the Holy Spirit, is there another way to see things? Remember, feelings are not facts…even yours. The facts of the situation can be challenging enough, but when we make up a negative or scary story like “he picked me up on purpose” or “My life was ruined because of what he did,” we make things much worse inside.

Additional Tips

3. Put things in their place. Will this matter in five minutes, five hours or five years? Is it really worth this struggle to lose my temper and destroy these relationships in my rage? Always keep the bigger picture in mind. This does not mean that you sweep important issues under the carpet, but that you calm down and use your anger in a constructive way instead of venting your rage and ending up being labeled as crazy.

4. Again, press pause. Counting to 10 (or 20) and deep breathing really works. It gives you a moment to allow the front of your brain some decision-making power when the emotional part of your brain is in fight-or-flight mode. During this time, stay curious about your anger. What is it? What do you feel is unfair and what should you do about it in a good way?

“Anger can be used for good. But remember, anger is often a liar. He says, “I’m right and you’re wrong.” It says “I’m good and you’re bad”. He says, “I have the right to hurt you because you hurt me.”

However, it is important to note:

We need to keep in mind something that Dr. Les and Leslie Parrott point out:

“In Ephesians 4:26, the apostle Paul wrote:In your anger, do not sin.In Romans 12:17 he also wrote:Never repay evil for evil.This perfectly sums up how we should handle our anger in marriage – and in life.

“Even when we are hurt and angry, we should never try to get our way by hurting our spouse. When we allow ourselves to become fixated on how to inflict pain on our spouse in return, anger that may have been momentary can take root and grow into a monster of epic proportions. When this happens, we make ourselves vulnerable to harboring resentment and even contempt for our spouse.”

Remember what we are told in Hebrews 12:15.See to it that no one falls short of God’s grace and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.“

This means that it is absolutely imperative that we fight against letting bitterness take root in our hearts and spirits. challenges us”suffering“and will”defile” many others. This is God’s warning to us.

There is no doubt that it is especially difficult when abusive anger is directed at you. But fighting the bitterness within is mostly for YOUR benefit. God knows that. He wired us that way. Yes, you need to find ways to protect yourself from any kind of abuse. (FYI: We have a whole topic titled, Abuse in marriage on our website. If you are experiencing abuse in your marriage, this is a good starting point to gather. It’s not all inclusive, but it’s a good start.) You also have to fight bitterness from taking root.

In closing, On Anger Management in Marriage

Cornerstone Marriage Ministry gives (in their article, “Dealing with Anger in Marriage”) some additional anger management tips:

• Slow down and think before you answer, Proverbs 29:11. 15:1-2; 16:29. A quick, angry reaction is often regrettable. Delay your answer. Allow yourself to think and calm down.

• Get to the source of your anger, Psalm 4:3-5. 139:23-24.

… Don’t be afraid to explore and think about what might be behind your anger and find out what might be at the root of it. It may be some old baggage that requires understanding past hurts and disappointments. … Many people get angry because they feel violated or abused. Ignoring the root cause of your anger will prevent you from solving your anger issue. It’s like putting a band-aid on a cancer wound that never heals.

If you haven’t been able to resolve your anger management problem with sheer determination by reading self-help books or attending an anger management seminar, I encourage you to get Christian counseling to address the underlying factors that may be at the root of it. anger management issues.

Above all, the author and we recommend:

• Search your heart. Be honest with yourself. Ask God to help you see what the source of your anger is. Ask yourself tough questions. Talk to God about it. Ask Him about it. Listen quietly for God to speak to you.

Learning anger management skills?

You might think it’s too much trouble I’M LEARNING how to resolve conflict the way marriage educators recommend. It seems awkward and “unnatural” to argue in such a way. But we want to ask you, how is the way you’ve handled the arguments up to this point working for you? Are you satisfied with the way you resolve your conflicts?

Remember, the Bible tells us to treat one another as more important than ourselves. do you do this Does your spouse feel heard and understood by the way you express yourself? “If one considers himself religious and yet does not hold his tongue tight, he is deceiving himself and his religion is worthless.“ (James 1:26)

Gandhi once said, “My life is my message.” How much more should this be true of those of us who are followers of Christ! What message are you giving in the way you relate to your spouse? Are you communicating the gospel verbally and nonverbally in the way you handle ending conflicts with your spouse?

If not, pray about what you can do about it.

“Do not let any bad words come out of your mouth, but only what is useful for edifying others according to their needs, so that it can benefit those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29)

Cindy and Steve Wright

– ADDITIONALLY –

To help you further, we give many personal stories, humor and more practical advice in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to grow your marriage. We hope you’ll pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both online and in print.) Plus, it makes a great gift for someone else. It gives you an opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or image below:

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