Aid! My favorite is a daffodil!

Thank you for sending your question. Although I have never met or been diagnosed with your mother, when you mentioned narcissism, my graduate education began. The psychologist in me wondered if your mother might qualify for what the DSM-5-TR labels as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

In case you’re not a mental health buff like me, the DSM is the go-to book we use in the profession to diagnose mental illness.

On the one hand, just because someone exhibits narcissistic traits does not mean they fit a NPD diagnosis. On the other hand, you don’t need a doctor to formally evaluate her when you live with the pain of having your needs violated – over and over again – because your mother continues to act self-absorbed and rejects your reality.

As if a possible NPD diagnosis wasn’t bad enough, it sounds like your mother is also suffering from dementia. The combination of these two makes it very difficult – if not impossible – to “free” her from narcissism.

Miraculously short, that is.

Let me explain why.

The first hurdle we face is willingness. Narcissists don’t think there is anything wrong with them. Because they think everyone else needs to get along, getting your mom to agree to get help for this personality issue is already an uphill battle.

And then there is the second—and even more entrenched—obstacle. Narcissism happens by necessity, not by choice. I don’t know your mother’s history, but I’m 90% convinced that something must have hurt her significantly earlier. Perhaps, instead of a loving or caring authority figure, your mother grew up with a caregiver who repeatedly belittled, shamed, or neglected her.

Which then caused a part of her to overcompensate and exaggerate her importance.

It takes intentionality and hard work to help the narcissistic parts of the personality let go of their tried and true ways of behaving. And this means that the person still has a decent level of cognitive functions. When you mix in memory loss and impaired thinking, the likelihood of this person recovering from narcissism is pretty grim.

But if God can miraculously heal physical ailments—which He certainly has done—there is no reason why He cannot do the same for mental illnesses.

Good news! There is something you can do despite this seemingly depressing conversation. Seeking your own healing from any abuse you received from your mother is a viable option.

Here are 5 things you can do for this purpose:

1. It is a place

The theory I apply, Internal Family Systems (IFS), normalizes people as having different parts. But let me back up. God created humans as tripartite—a fancy word that means we are born with a spirit, soul, and body. The real you is your spirit. Your soul is the one with the multiplicity within you. Don’t worry – having multiple parts inside your soul doesn’t make you weird or have Dissociative Identity Disorder (which used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder).

Having accessories just makes you human.

While not all of our parts are burdened, some are. Aggravators tend to act in problematic ways even when they mean no harm.

Like the narcissistic part of your mom.

When that particular part comes up again, tell yourself that the behavior you loathe is probably on your mom’s part. However, that’s not all. There are other parts of her that may feel bad about how she treated you, even if they never get a chance to voice their opinion.

The problem is, your mother probably doesn’t know how to wrap in her parts. (The majority of people do not. The prevalence of emotional and behavioral problems in our world testifies to this fact.)

May I encourage you to see your loved one’s disturbing behavior through the language of parts? Remembering that the problem represents a part and not the whole person can promote patience and compassion for that person.

2. Validate yourself

Difficult people demand a lot from us. Narcissists insist on taking care of others and their needs, which is exhausting.

But that is not all. Being around the narcissistic part of your mother can raise doubts. Maybe I’m not worthy of her attention. Was I imagining things? Am I just fishing for someone else’s approval? Exceptional. Am I really that needy?

Listen to those inner monologues. These—and similar thoughts—probably come from within you. Please listen to their thoughts and, as honestly as you can, give them a comforting word. Make sure your parts are valuable and their side of the story matters. Give them the validation they need.

You have the power to serve as the empathetic voice that can soothe your wounded parts. While your mom may never have the ability to empathize with you, let alone apologize, you always have the option of offering the service of listening and validating your own internal system.

Don’t underestimate the healing that comes from this step.

3. Double Limits

The need to set boundaries has inspired many to post their thoughts. (You can pass mine here and here). Without learning to establish and then enforce our boundaries, we are bound to continue to experience interpersonal hurt—which is the casual offshoot of the relationship.

It’s okay to set firm boundaries with your mom. It’s also okay to explain to her the consequences for breaking said boundaries. You are allowed to enforce these consequences without feeling guilty.

But here’s the kicker: you can also apply limits to your own internal system.

That’s what I mean. The parts of you that get pissed off at mom don’t have to be present whenever you visit her. I don’t understand the physics behind it – so I can’t really explain it to you – but whenever we ask our places to give us space, they usually will, especially if they think we’ll still be safe.

So ask your parties to trust that even when they give you a big bunk (when you’re with mom), you’ll be okay.

One way to tell if they have consented or not is by checking your heart. Does it feel a little more spacious inside? If so, these parties have indeed agreed to your request.

If your parts are willing to give you space, even if the narcissistic mom part comes out again, you won’t feel as affected.

4. Individual Psychotherapy

And then there is the golden rule – psychotherapy.

Confession: “golden rule” is my word. It’s not like there’s a study that proves the superiority of psychotherapy over drugs or vacations or anything else we do to heal our souls. At the same time, psychotherapy or “talk therapy” is known to alleviate many issues. A statistic shows that 3 out of 4 people who seek treatment find it beneficial.

Having provided therapy for 15+ years, I can attest that not all treatment methods are helpful. One of the most effective is IFS. Now that I have practiced and taught this modality myself, I wholeheartedly recommend therapists who are certified in it. Find the ones near you at IFS Institute website.

IFS therapy will help you coexist with your mom as well as complete the next step below.

5. Spiritual Strategies

Have you forgiven your narcissistic mother yet? If there is a superior way to stimulate emotional healing, God would have revealed it in the Bible.

But if your parts are anything like mine, forgiving someone who doesn’t seem to be sorry at all is a hard sell. That’s why I wrote a small one Book to make it easier to forgive when you’re locked in a lifelong relationship with someone difficult.

Hint: you will encounter IFS in this book.

In addition to forgiving your mom, you can also pray for her—that God would give her the wisdom to reconcile her differences. Pray also for yourself and your parts, so that you do not come to despise your mother (Proverbs 23:22).

Our prayers are powerful and effective (James 5:16).

And because I believe in the power of prayer, I’ll say a prayer for you too.

Photo: ©Getty Images/fizkes

Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a licensed psychologist in California, a certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and an IFSI-approved clinical counselor. After founding and running a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now dedicates her practice to survivors of trauma—including emotional abuse. If you need her advice, visit her www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.