Welcome back, readers: this is the final installment in a series on the physical effects of sexual trauma. (In case you missed them, here are parts one, two, and three.) To complete the series, we‘I’m talking about conversation: That is, how to talk to sexual partners about any physical effects you have experienced as a survivor of sexual trauma.
Note that while this article focuses on survivors, the information here can be very valuable if you are an intimate partner of a survivor.
For this latest article, I was interviewed Heather Russell, LPC, a mental health professional with over a decade of experience counseling people of all backgrounds. A survivor herself, she has a heart for helping clients recover from sexual trauma. In 2013 he founded Sacred Circlea Colorado-based nonprofit dedicated to helping survivors recover through cycling and career counseling.
Talking with Partners about Trauma: A Counselor‘s Display
As professionals who both work with people who have experienced sexual trauma, Heather and I had an insightful and thought-provoking conversation. I was interested in learning more about how counselors help people navigate the aftermath of traumatic experiences, including the physical effects that may affect their future relationships. Heather had great insight to offer: here are the key takeaways from that discussion.
- It’s okay to talk to your mental health provider about physical symptoms like pain, muscle tension, and more.
Heather was interested to hear more about the physical effects of sexual trauma that I have dealt with as a pelvic physiotherapist. She told me that the physical concerns I described don’t always come up with her talk therapy clients. She hypothesized that this might be because counseling clients don’t always realize that it’s okay to discuss physical issues with their mental health provider.
In part two of this series, we covered the central nervous system (CNS) and discussed how an overactive CNS can contribute to physical effects such as persistent pain, chronic fatigue, and changes in sensation. Many strategies that physical therapists use to help their patients calm an overactive CNS overlap with techniques that mental health providers use in therapy. Chronic pain research shows this It is critical to combine physical and psychological care approachesrather than relying on just one to deal with the situation.
If you’re working with a mental health provider to recover from sexual trauma, don’t be shy about sharing any physical effects of your experience. Your counselor can help you manage these concerns, even if you’re already working with another professional, such as a PT, to address them.
When dealing with complex bodily sensations, more brains are better than one! Think of recovery as a team sport: the more high-quality, professional “players” on your team, the more likely you are to overcome the concerns you’re seeking care for.
- Before sharing your story with a partner, it’s important to lay the foundation of strong self-esteem.
Let’s face it: it can be really scary to bare your soul to someone else, especially when the story you’re trying to tell involves trauma. To face this fear, it is important to have a strong sense of self: you will need inner confidence from which you can draw strength.
During our discussion, Heather emphasized the importance of laying these strong foundations before tackling difficult conversations with partners. She works with her clients who are processing sexual trauma to help them rebuild their sense of self-worth. For many people, traumatic experiences can lead to feelings of shame, and shame can damage their sense of self-worth. Unpacking these connections can be a critical component of recovery from trauma.
Heather explained that healing any damage to your self-esteem can help you prepare to share your story with your future partners. By rebuilding your inner confidence, you will be better prepared to accept the reactions of the people you tell about your trauma and the impact it has had on you.
- Be selective about who you share your story with. If possible, have professional guidance from a therapist when preparing to share.
Each person’s trauma recovery journey is unique: some people will find that they prefer to tell all their future sexual partners about the sexual trauma they have experienced (and any subsequent consequences). Others may prefer to be selective, sharing only with certain partners, or sharing only after a certain number of sexual encounters with a partner.
For this reason, it can be extremely beneficial to work with a professional advisor who can help you navigate these discussions if and when you choose to have them. Heather advises her clients to be very selective about who they discuss their traumatic experience with. In her experience, not all partners are equally ready to hear and respond to stories of trauma and recovery.
For Heather, it is important that her clients understand and be able to accept that different partners may respond differently to stories of sexual trauma. She wants her clients to be prepared for this ahead of time so they aren’t surprised by reactions that aren’t what they expected. This idea leads directly to Heather’s fourth recommendation.
- Don’t let your healing process depend on other people’s reactions to your story.
You’ve probably heard some variation of the phrase, “You can’t control other people’s behaviors. you can only control your reactions to them.” Just as different partners may react differently if/when you talk about trauma, you may find you react differently to theirs reactions.
Heather emphasized the importance of learning to accept another person’s response without letting it get in the way of your own recovery. If you share your story and the other person doesn’t respond as you hoped, that’s a turn on their. The in no way it invalidates your experience or the challenges you face in recovery.
Heather recommends that her clients have an established support network they can turn to if a trauma conversation doesn’t go as planned. Whether it’s your therapist, a survivor support group, or a trusted friend who already knows your story, it helps to have someone “waiting in the wings” to help you process the experience of sharing your story.
There you have it: a professional counselor’s perspective on how to discuss the physical effects of sexual trauma with partners. I hope Heather’s insight was helpful, but keep in mind that recovery looks different for everyone. The advice here is not intended to replace individualized recommendations from your own mental health provider, if you have one.
Moving On: Next Steps in Trauma Recovery
Remember that you you are in the driver’s seat of your life after sexual trauma: whether, how and when you tell your partners about the trauma you have experienced is entirely up to you. No matter how you approach your recovery, it can help to have help. If you have access to mental health care, consider working with a provider who specializes in trauma recovery.
If you’re looking for a pelvic health PT to help you with the physical effects of sexual trauma, check out:
- Pelvic rehabilitation – for international pelvic PT lists (including USA and Canada)
- The Pelvic Health Academy PT Locator – for pelvic PT in the USA
In addition to everything you’ll find here on Scarleteen, there are a few other online resources for survivors of sexual trauma:
And finally, here’s the link to Scarleteen’s direct service options, where the staff here can help you one-on-one.
However you approach your recovery, remember: you are not alone. You deserve help, hope and healing. You deserve it.
