This is not my first piece for Scarleteen. But is my first piece for this site since coming out as a trans woman.
Let me reintroduce myself to you all! My name is Lisa Laman, my pronouns are she/her, I’m a movie geek, karaoke lover, and someone who is obsessed with pugs. I am also a trans lady who identifies as queer/lesbian. I’ve been writing pieces for Scarleteen for some time now offering dating advice to people on the autism spectrum, and now I’m expanding the scope of this column. In the future, I’d love for this to become a column that also specializes in autistic advice transl guys when it comes to the dating world. I’d love to see any requests or questions you have about the dating realm through this link, and they just might be covered in future installments of this series! I’m so glad I can be fully myself here and I hope I can help you, dear reader, feel even more comfortable in your own skin.
For this particular version, I want to tell you a little story. I have a thread to spin about being faked out on a second date that was never meant to be, and what it was like to navigate that situation while coming out as trans in a less welcoming environment. It was an incredibly awkward scenario, but one that could offer some important lessons for other trans autistic people looking to navigate the dating world.
I fully came out to the world as Lisa Laman in May 2023. For years prior, I used her/his pronouns and dressed as a woman (although using my dead name) in very specific social settings. I was comfortable presenting as a lady at school and at some theater screenings (I’m a film critic, after all, I can’t hold onto my gender and primal passion for cinema for long!), but I forced myself to pass as male in every other environment of my daily life. However, one place I chose to let go of my true identity was on dating apps. In 2021, I began coming out as a trans woman in these spaces. For me, the best thing was to cut off the bandage and say, “Hey, these are my pronouns, I want to start HRT someday, I talk too much about trans representation in movies, etc.”
In the few real dates or long-term hookups I’ve gotten from these apps, my gender identity hasn’t been a problem, including one woman I started hooking up with in early August 2022. This lady, a few years older than me, was incredibly funny and she showed up to our first face-to-face date in jeans, a plaid button-down shirt, and beautiful tennis shoes adorning her feet. This person was now sitting across from me, a trans lady in a bright red dress, red wig and green lipstick. If “opposites attract,” as Paula Abdul used to say, then, on paper, we’d be perfect soul mates. We found many common points and interests, especially in our shared love of American father! and its inexplicably catchy melodies. I could share the thought of hooking up with a lady American father! quotes filled me with joy on the train with the train from our date.
There would be, I thought, further opportunities for us to share Roger the Alien wit when we met again for our second date. We planned to meet at a steakhouse, as per her suggestion. I love a good burger, and this particular steakhouse served free bread before each meal, so that was perfect. On the day of the date, I showed up a few minutes early at the steakhouse and scored a comfortable booth for the two of us. My heart fluttered with excitement for the impending date. However, as the minutes ticked by and my texts to her elicited no responses, my excitement turned to dread. These ominous feelings were not solely related to sadness because of the increased possibility of ghosting. I was also a very visibly trans woman alone in the place.
Initially I only wanted to wear a dress or lipstick in a public place if I knew I would be around people who would notice me. I didn’t feel ready to navigate potential transphobia on my own, I needed backup. I expected to have it for this date through the person I was on the date with. Without her, I felt trapped in a restaurant where I could feel other patrons looking at me or whispering about me. This was a steakhouse in the heart of Plano, Texas. To say that this is not an environment associated with the same level of conduct as the Stonewall Inn is a huge understatement. I had already ordered food before I knew my date wasn’t going to show up, so I felt I had to stay. Sweat covered my palms, my eyes twitched nervously, and ominous destructive thoughts dominated my brain.
In the wake of this development, I reached for my phone, took out my headphones and listened to my favorite tunes. I’ve always found music to be a good tool to ground me in overwhelming spaces, whether it’s loud high school hallways, chaotic family events, raucous hockey games, and everything in between. Listening to music I love gave me something to think about beyond the eyes staring back at me, the thought of someone my parents knew bumping into me dressed like this, or my heartbeat. Delicious food at a restaurant often feels like it takes forever to cook in the kitchen, but the wait for that burger seemed to last forever, even with the help of those soothing tunes. Finally, though, it arrived. I clutched it and paid my check before leaving this restaurant like a runner. My bad second date that wasn’t really a second date at all is over. The nightmare is over.
“Those who don’t learn from the past are doomed to repeat it” as they say, and there’s a lot I was able to learn from this particular experience. Let me clam up and share some pearls of wisdom with you.
For starters, make sure you get explicit confirmation from your date on the day of your appointment. I didn’t get a text the day of that fateful date at the steakhouse. The optimist in me thought she was just busy. He was texting me until I got to the restaurant… right? In fact, this was her passive hint to me that she was no longer interested in meeting. Get this confirmation if you can directly in advance. This still doesn’t guarantee you won’t be spotted, but it can minimize the risk of this frustrating turn of events happening. Plus, it can keep you grounded in reality. I think I was too enamored with the rose-tinted glasses of dreaming reality to realize what was going on.
Another thing to remember for my fellow trans people: advocate for yourself about where you would feel most comfortable meeting in public! If you can, suggest a place where it would be good to go out even if you do it was single. I’ve been to a wide variety of restaurants, from Olive Garden to Hooter’s to Saravanaa Bhavan, without feeling at all threatened simply because I was with other trans people. This is dramatically different from a one-on-one date where you can easily be the only trans person in the area. To make sure you’re not as vulnerable or at risk, suggest places you know are welcoming to trans people. Also keep in mind that some restaurants may be more overwhelming to your senses based on your autism manifestation. Considering I’m always apologizing for just breathing in public, let me remind you dear reader that you are NOT a burden to ask for thoughts on things like trans and autistic inclusive spaces. This is not a problem and it is incredibly rude if anyone sees it as such.
One key point I want to convey, however, to anyone else going through this is that being seen isn’t necessarily your fault. There may be instances where your actions may alienate someone to the point where they simply cut off communication, but usually, the reasons for simply not showing up are much bigger than you. I was wracked with anxiety for days after that crush of a date, wondering what I had done wrong, why someone had acted like they did, before I had the epiphany that I would never really know why they were imagining me. It could have been about me, it could have been about the weather, it could have been about her personal life, it could have been about anything. It’s so easy to default to hating yourself in these scenarios and see yourself as solely the problem, believe me, I speak from experience! But these situations are much more complicated than that, and reminding yourself of the truly unknown nature of such difficulties is a great way to let your anxiety balloon.
This happened over a year ago.
Imagining and experiencing all of this relatable discomfort in public was overwhelming at the time, but I persevered. About nine months after that date, I would officially come out of the closet in public, presenting 24/7 as my true self. I also made sure to keep swinging the bat in the world of dating apps, flirting, and other social scenarios in hopes of creating a romantic relationship. I survived and I’m still standing. I hope you know that you can make it through these tough times, where you feel like you’re all alone in your own personal steakhouse. There is so much joy, euphoria and amazing things to be found in being our wonderful trans autistic selves. These feelings are much bigger than a bad ghost experience.
