I am a decision maker. Not always a resolution keeper. But I find that setting some goals or a theme for the year gets me on a better path than doing nothing. Not that there’s anything special about January 1st, but this turn of the year feels like an opportunity to take stock, envision the future, and figure out next steps.
One can do this in various areas of life: career, family, faith, health, organizing your office into something less like a whirlwind. (Is that last one just me?) But what about sexual intimacy? Yes, that’s why you come here—because I turn almost everything into SEX. But hey, it’s a good question! How is your sex life going and what would make it better next year?
Casting a Vision
Have you heard of a vision board? It’s simply a collage of images—photos, magazine clippings, quotes, and other graphics—that represent your goals and dreams. I’m not big on making a real one, with posterboard or what have you, but a vision board sounds like a good idea.
For a moment, imagine what an intimate marriage with mutually desirable and fulfilling sex would look like.
Wait—we have to pause these images for a moment to pull some of you back from the fantasy world we’ve been engulfed in. Recalibrate and think intimacynot whatever misconceptions might have come from porn, erotica, or just regular M-rated TV shows. We’re talking about intimacy with two real people who have backgrounds, strengths and weaknesses, constant stressors, and self-doubt.
What images would represent genuine intimacy between you and your spouse? A smiling couple wrapped in a warm embrace after making love? A husband and wife flirting in the kitchen long before anything happens that night or the next morning? A husband naked in the bedroom, knowing that he/she is greeted with a smile and a compliment? A shocking climax shared by married lovers who enjoy each other’s orgasm as much as their own?
These are some mental images that may represent a positive image of sexual intimacy in marriage, but they are not the only ones. And it’s not just for you and your sweetheart. How about casting a vision for your own wedding? What would a healthy, intimate sex life look like for both of you? What are you aiming for?
Composition Goals Habits
In a recent Facebook post, I asked about setting goals for the new year, and a wise commenter responded:
I try to focus more on habits and prioritize them. What new habits do I want to incorporate in the new year? So not necessarily a goal to be achieved but habits that will be beneficial towards a certain trajectory.
I like! In fact, I’ve been thinking recently about how my productivity is better when I don’t have a set schedule but rather routines. Having routines (aka habits) keeps me focused and proactive. The same could be said about sex in marriage!
What are your habits in your marriage regarding sexual intimacy? Do you have a habit of flirting? Starting regularly? Except time on your calendar for love? Are you used to saying “no” more than “yes”?
And by the way, have you made a (bad) habit of pursuing your own sexual desires over your spouse’s? Or do you have a routine of checking in with your husband or wife and asking what their vision of sex entails in your marriage? And then following?
Luke 22:39 says of Jesus: “Then he went out, according to his custom, to the Mount of Olives, and the disciples followed him.” I hadn’t really paid attention to this before – that our Lord made a habit of going to the Mount of Olives, possibly praying as he did the night before his death. But that wasn’t His only routine. He regularly left to pray alone, to go to the synagogue, to eat in people’s homes and to heal those in need. Christ was a man of remarkable habits.
Of course, we should establish habits of prayer, church, and fellowship, but in marriage, the priority of sexual intimacy is also a divine habit.
Being a Realist
If we’ve said it once, we’ve said it a hundred times Sex Chat for the Christian Wives Podcast: Baby. Steps.
Change rarely happens in giant leaps. Instead, you get to your destination simply by putting one foot in front of the other, over and over again. And, like a little kid, if you fall down, you get back up and try again.
While you aim to create better habits, remember that it’s a process. You won’t go from A to Z in a day, a month, or even a season. Everyone I’ve known who made permanent improvements in marital intimacy say they didn’t feel the reversal until a year later. But boy were they glad they made the effort!
Set your vision, yes. Create good habits, yes. But remember that change takes time. Take one step at a time, celebrate your progress, and then take the next step. When things start to really get better, you’ll be able to look back and see how far you’ve come.
Troubleshoot obstacles
For some marriages, change won’t happen until major barriers are broken down, brick by brick. The vision of true sexual intimacy is clouded by past trauma, current sin, physical challenges, or relational conflict.
The path to progress starts with getting outside help. It could be a doctor to diagnose a health condition, a trauma-informed therapist who walks alongside an abuse victim to help them heal, a support and accountability group that addresses unwanted sexual behavior, or marriage counselor that works with a couple to bring them closer together. Whatever the route, the destination is the same: two healthy people pursuing healthy sexual intimacy in their marriage.
If you are facing daunting obstacles, you are not alone and there is hope. Look for answers. Get over your misplaced pride and admit you need help. Make this the year you reach out and get the support you need. Those initial steps will be difficult, but a few months from now, you’ll be so glad you did.
Following through
One of my favorite Bible verses is Galatians 6:9:
Let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due time we shall reap a harvest if we do not give up.
This short verse contains a lot of truth. We can so easily get tired of doing the right thing when it doesn’t bring immediate results. Wouldn’t it be awesome if you exercised once and lost five pounds? That would really push you. But no, it doesn’t work like that. Instead, it takes a steady practice before the results can be felt and seen.
Likewise, it may take time to see the results of your dedicated efforts toward a better sex life…and marriage. You may change your habits and find that your spouse does not respond for weeks or even months to your changes. But don’t get tired! He continued. There is a gap in time between sowing and reaping—often much longer than we want. We must persevere, doing the right thing whether we see the results or not.
In fact—and I kind of hate to say this, but it’s true—you may not see the results you crave this side of Heaven. In terms of a thriving sexual relationship with your spouse, that is. After all, you are only half of the equation. But loving your husband is never a wrong choice.
A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
John 13:34
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuous debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.
Romans 13:8
Above all, love one another deeply, for love covers a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8
But you may also be surprised to find that your efforts yield a handsome harvest if you don’t give up.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12
Leaning on God
I’ll be honest, leaning on God is hard for me. I want God + _______.
It is much easier to follow God when He brings tangible blessings into our lives. I have a personal testimony of how following God’s plan for sex in marriage has brought pleasure and intimacy beyond anything I foolishly pursued on my own before.
But it’s not perfect. This side of Heaven, it never will be.
As you seek the best for your marriage, lean on God. Knows. Loves. It comforts. It heals.
But I pray—you have no idea how often I’ve prayed!—that your marriage will discover, embrace, and sustain healthy and sacred sexual intimacy.
May everything happen for you this coming year!
Here’s an opportunity to focus on healthy and sacred sexual intimacy this coming year!
