How my open relationship led to my divorce

About six months into our marriage, my husband, David, stopped me at the door as I was leaving for the evening.

“You and Randy are like boyfriend and girlfriend, huh?”

A shocked expression painted his face. Yeah, Randy and me it was boy and girl. I was on my way to see him at that very moment. But why was my husband surprised by this? It was David’s idea to open up our marriage, and wasn’t that always one of the risks — getting serious with someone else?

While open marriages are becoming more and more popular in our society, with 24% of Americans While agreeing that society can benefit from moving towards an open style of monogamy, in our case this kind of relationship was just pushing our marriage closer to its breaking point. My husband was not happy when he found out that I had fallen in love with another man.

Our open marriage would eventually end in divorce — and it was the best thing that could have happened.

Why we opened our marriage

David and I first decided to open up about our marriage after years of marital strife. We had two children with different special needs who needed a lot of attention. Many of my caution.

Modern woman that I was, I soon found myself solely responsible for raising our two children while David relaxed. He had been unemployed for a few years and was not looking for a new job, while we sank deeper into dire financial straits.

Not exactly what fires up a woman’s libido. I was rarely in the mood for sex. Instead, I fell into bed after one stressful day after another, dealing with the kids and all the housework, cleaning for my happily unemployed husband.

I felt emotionally neglected, humiliated as he demanded handouts from his wealthy family while I struggled with freelancing. We ended up in marriage therapy. After we argued during a session, my husband asked if I wanted to open up about our marriage.

I had heard that more and more people were doing this and reaping the benefits of closer connections and renewed passion. But us? Despite my growing indifference to my husband, I couldn’t imagine dating other people while we were married. So, initially, I refused.

Instead, I focused on restoring intimacy in our relationship. But then, one night, I initiated sex only to feel disgusted afterwards. That was the last straw. I told David we could open up our marriage.

At first, dating other men was exciting. It made me feel like I was young again — young and single. But the purpose of opening up our marriage was to bring us closer, so I expected that to happen for David and me. He never did. Dating other people just ruined what little relationship we had left.

I wasn’t jealous of the other women David was seeing. Instead, I felt further away from him. One night, after one of his dates, he slid into bed next to me. I could smell her perfume on him. He reached out to stroke my leg and I pushed him away.

“Do not touch me!” I broke.

Let those other women have him. After all, I had met someone else who had captured my heart.

I fell for another guy

When Randy and I first matched on Tinder, sparks flew. He lived nearby, and we quickly fell into a routine. I never lied to David. He knew where I went almost every night around 10pm when I left him with our sleeping children to go to Randy’s house.

Randy and I enjoyed a beer, watched a movie, and then had sex. While sleeping, I left Randy’s early in the morning so I could get home before the kids woke up. It wasn’t the perfect setup, but after spending so much time with him, I couldn’t help but start to have serious feelings for Randy.

Since David and I had agreed to see other people – and since it was his idea to start – I thought he wouldn’t have a problem with it. He clearly did.

When he expressed his displeasure about my relationship with another man, I finally realized that I needed to leave my marriage and start a divorce. That realization came with another: I wanted to get more serious with Randy now that I was going to be single again.

It didn’t go as planned. Although Randy had never expressed any problem with me marrying another man, when I told him I planned to leave David and was available for a deeper commitment, he broke up with me.

I had a crush on Randy, but he didn’t feel the same way about me.

Because I’m glad my open marriage ended in divorce

I feel regret that David and I opened up our marriage, leading to our divorce and did the other guy i was dating dump me? It may surprise you, but my answer is no. I’m glad my marriage is over. David and I weren’t right for each other. Randy and I weren’t. It’s also okay that he ended things with me.

Instead, I am grateful for my experience with an open marriage because it was the push I needed to leave David. For years I was too afraid to divorce him. I needed something — someone — to compel me to action. Opening up my marriage and falling in love with Randy were the necessary events to catapult me ​​out of my terrible circumstances.

Being stuck in an unhappy marriage was unhealthy for me. Subjecting our children to constant fighting was bad for them. David and I certainly weren’t modeling good behavior for our kids. The best thing I could do for myself and my children was to divorce their father.

I also learned something about myself: I’m not wired for open relationships. I really want to be in love with a person.

This is not to say that I think there is anything wrong with open marriages. I don’t believe them always they end up in divorce. Some people have success with them. But I think that only happens when the relationship is strong and healthy.

I have no doubt that the future will bring even more open relationships to our society, but, I think people need to understand that consensual non-monogamy is not a cure-all. It cannot fix a relationship that is already broken.

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