The importance of security in relationships: Nurturing emotional well-being

The importance of security in relationships: Nurturing emotional well-being

We all want to feel safe in this life and safety can be considered as one of those aspirations that we all strive for regardless of context. We can see how this plays out even in our basic psyche when we become parents or when we have a partner. There is a general sense that we want to be caretakers and guardians of the people and things we love.

This idea of ​​safety is deeply rooted in us and can be considered to possess a certain epigenetic component that is passed down from generation to generation. The problem with this unconscious transmission is that each generation that receives the need for security will have a completely different interpretation of what security really means to them.

My father’s interpretation of security may have been to provide enough for his family so that we would not go without. This means that as long as our basic needs were met (according to its meaning) and we weren’t asking too much for this provision to pass, then its concept and security enforcement were satisfied. This is where many people have a conflict in their values ​​and the same can be said for their interpretation of what security means.

While my interpretation of security did not have to be monetary in nature, and instead could focus more on emotional stability, family communication, unity and mutual respect. If none of these interpretations of safety were satisfied by him because of their abstract or unknown nature, there would be a huge deficit in my ability to ever feel any degree of safety until I was emotionally equipped to provide it for myself.

There are so many variables to how security can work and be interpreted in the human mind. When talking about safety in a couple, it is important to understand a basic principle:

The point of finding a good, healthy partner is not so that you can enjoy a carefree partnership that does not cause problems in your relationship. It’s about finding someone you feel safe enough to challenge so you can do the hard work of breaking unhealthy relationship patterns and facing your demons with someone who loves and cares deeply about you.

This idea of ​​feeling secure enough in a relationship to be more tolerant of being triggered by our partner is essential to the longevity of a relationship. The time spent in the early stages of courtship to create wonderful feelings for the other seems to be the basis for connection and relationship. However, the moment we feel triggered, we rarely reflect on the safety we have received, and instead of embracing the trigger and the discomfort that comes with it, we choose to return to ego space and separate ourselves from our partner.

This essentially causes us to distance ourselves from our partner and further distance ourselves from a necessary evil in relationships… learning how to sit with the discomfort of being triggered by our partner more often than not being a trigger without intent or purpose to do So. This is another aspect that is often overlooked.

We need to actively disarm our wounded and childish feelings to finally become resilient enough to say anything in the relationship, because the basis of anything said is not malice or a desire to hurt.

We are so afraid to say what we really want, feel and wait for this stick in the periphery of the relationship and we never dare to close in the fire for fear of disappearing. This is usually a sign of codependency and one aspect of many that needs to be addressed in the relationship. The codependent relationship is not helpful for either party, as neither has clarity about their emotional states and is often sidetracked by the other’s need.

So when are you having this safety conversation?

The simple answer is that this needs to be revisited many times in a relationship. Our perspective on security is one that will naturally change and develop throughout our lives. Simply put, it should be a necessary ingredient in many conversations.

Such an example would be:

1. what can I do to ensure that you feel a greater degree of security in our relationship?

2. What am I doing in our relationship that makes you feel insecure?

3. When you feel turned on, do you still feel safe?

4. When you turn me on, I still feel safe because you make sure you keep doing XYZ…

As you can see, the idea of ​​security is a beautiful entry point into many other discussions that need to be had. But what we often do is focus our attention on the problems in the relationship, which is a dialogue that actually creates anxiety rather than safety.

So the next time you want to deal with any issues with your partner ask yourself this question. Is what I am about to participate in with my partner promote safety or cause anxiety? If it’s stressful, what can I do to reframe my questions and relationship style so that I’m received in a more welcoming way?

Vaya Con Dios