“Happy families are all the same; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” – Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina
One of the most difficult times in the course of a relationship occurs when we begin to suspect that what was once good has gone bad and what once brought life now only brings deeper pain. The mounting emotional toll begins to overwhelm us, like the seemingly insignificant waves of a tsunami hiding its true destructive power. While there are some relationships that are so toxic that it is unwise and unsafe to continue in them, there are also important and valuable relationships that are worth saving. And in this case, there are some strategic steps you can take to not only save these relationships, but also bring new vitality, health, and happiness into them.
So what are the signs that healthy relationships are going bad? Are all unhappy relationships created equal, or are some more or less harmful than others? How do you keep your relationships free of toxic substances and how do we become the person who relates well to others?
Here are three ways that happy, thriving relationships differ from unhappy ones, and some practical tips that can prevent your relationships from becoming toxic.
Differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships
1. Healthy relationships are emotionally secure.
In a healthy relationship, you can be vulnerable with your feelings and still feel accepted, make mistakes without fear of judgment, and talk openly about thoughts and feelings. In essence, you can be yourself and feel heard when you express feelings. An emotionally secure friendship is characterized by warmth and enjoyment, sympathy and compassion, and free from chronic negative interactions such as jealousy, criticism, contempt and defensiveness.
Relationships that go bad are not safe and you feel increasingly wary, pessimistic and depressed. Such feelings are often associated with the feeling of contempt, with insulting and hostile humor, name-calling, mockery, ridicule and stares. Bad relationships seem to thrive on conflict, where arguments quickly turn negative. There is more manipulation, lack of compromise and avoidance of dealing with issues. When contempt takes root in your friendship or marriage, it drowns out the good and does great harm, creating an emotionally toxic and insecure relationship. Watch for signs of denial, excuses, whining, and no one taking responsibility for making things right.
2. Healthy relationships are enjoyable.
In a healthy relationship, there are more smiles, fun and enjoyment than resentment and disappointment. There is more giving than taking. You are comfortable and vulnerable and laugh easily. You feel that the other person is taking you. You have affection and kindness as primary modes of interaction. In The four loves CS Lewis said this “…affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever stable and durable happiness there is in our lives… It doesn’t expect much, it winks at mistakes, it revives easily after quarrels.” Good friends put James 1:19 into practice—They are quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. They celebrate each other’s achievements and successes, treat each other with respect, and talk openly with each other about thoughts and feelings.
In relationships that are going bad, there is too much criticism of each other and neither feels supported to do the things they like. There is usually poor communication—you don’t feel heard or understood, you aren’t able to share feelings or say “I was wrong.” There is more fault-finding and misrepresentation than willingness to listen and compromise. A good test is to notice the number or ratio of positive, upbeat interactions to negative. If there is an even number, that is, for every positive interaction there is a negative one, you may be in a relationship characterized by increasing discord. A great goal is to aim for a healthier ratio, such as four positive, upbeat interactions for every negative one.
3. Healthy relationships are trusting.
In a healthy relationship there is mutual care for each other and we allow the other person to spend time with friends and family. There is an expectation of longevity – a sense of a future together. Such relationships are characterized by honesty and trustworthiness. The apostle Paul said to the Philippians in chapter 2, verses 3-4: “Do nothing out of selfishness or empty conceit, but in humility consider one another more important than yourself, not only looking out for your own interests, but also for the interests of others.” Both of you share and listen to each other’s problems, care and make an investment in each other.
In relationships that go badly, doubts, cynicism and a growing wariness increase. Your boyfriend or partner will begin to demand your trust and even seek to keep you away from others for fear of being abandoned. Such jealousy and control is unhealthy. There is an ego that creeps in where a person is only interested in talking theirs accomplishments, theirs ideas and theirs perspective on life. There may be misuse of technology to control a partner or an expectation or demand to “check in”. There is pressure to do things the other person may not want to do and you are often accused of cheating or being unfaithful. A person in this relationship may show character marks or issues of sin, such as dishonesty, untrustworthiness, and an unseasoned heart.
10 commitments to get you back on track
If you’re in a relationship that’s headed into the unhealthy category and the relationship is deeply valued and needs to be saved, here are 10 things you and your boyfriend or partner should commit to doing to make it more enjoyable, trusting, and emotionally secure:
- I will strive to be curious about you and show a genuine interest in what you have to share.
- I will validate your feelings.
- I will not judge your feelings and thoughts.
- I will share my feelings and thoughts.
- I will commit to praying daily for you.
- I will show affection in ways that are meaningful to you.
- I will take the time to get to know you.
- I will serve you in ways that are meaningful to you.
- I will acknowledge you and express your appreciation.
- I will have fun and laugh with you.
Practicing these 10 vital steps regularly can provide a powerful resistance to the hidden but destructive forces that creep in and undermine your connection with each other. Get your relationship back on track today and you’ll soon experience new vitality, joy and health in your relationship.
“If you have gained anything from following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means something to you, if you have a heart, if you care – then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, become friends with a deep spirit. Don’t push your way forward. don’t sweet talk the top. Put yourself aside and help others move forward. Don’t obsess over getting your own edge. Forget yourself long enough to lend a helping hand…” – Philippus 2:3-4 (The message)
