Emily Nagoski’s new book Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections is set to be released on January 30, 2024. We were able to get a sneak preview and wanted to highlight some of the unique information this book has to offer (without giving too much away, of course!).
Concentrate can be understood as somewhat of a continuation of Nagoski’s earlier one New York Times best seller, Come as you are. While Come as you are focused on helping women unlock sexual pleasure through their relationship with sex, Concentrate it is about so that sexual partners can “co-create a framework that facilitates access to pleasure” alongside one another (p. xiv).
On paper, creating this framework is simple. Nagoski identifies “three characteristics of partnerships that sustain a strong sexual connection” (p. xiii): friendship, prioritizing sex, and couples accepting what is truly true about their own unique relationship. However, being able to achieve these characteristics in real life is often difficult. Next, its central premise Concentrate is to “learn what great sex looks like in the long run in real life, how to create it in your own life, and what to do when struggles arise — which they surely will” (p. xiv).
The metaphorical power of sex
One of Nagoski’s greatest strengths as both a writer and sex educator is her ability to mobilize the explanatory power of metaphors when she provides practical advice on people’s sexuality and their sex lives. In Come as you are, Nagoski suggested that individuals are not “broken” because our sexuality is not something that needs to be fixed. Instead, we should think of our sexuality like that of a garden, meaning it’s something we cultivate, tend to, weed out, and help grow. Concentrate extends this metaphor, seeking to explain “what happens when you decide to co-create a communal garden with someone else, with the idea that you will continue to tend that garden for many years to come” (p. xvi). Nagoski explains the good that tending our sexual garden is not only for us, but also for others:
Every time you pull the invasive weeds of self-criticism or sexual shame, you weaken the social vine, making it much easier for your sister to pull it out of her garden, or your daughter or niece, your clients and your patients. . romantic and sexual partners. When you grow a garden that’s uniquely yours, full of what it gives you, you make it a little easier for others to do the same. (p. xvi)
Other prominent metaphors Nagoski uses are that of the exploitation of desire similar to driving a car (there are times to use the gas and times to hit the brake) and the focus of pleasure similar to hosting a party or playing a game . These metaphors are great at giving readers a context that is familiar in order to really apply and internalize the book’s advice. For example, Nagoski writes that those who focus on pleasure don’t just show up, but “love to have fun” (p. 39). She continues:
Why spend time making a meal beautiful? Why think ahead as you write a grocery list for a meeting you don’t even know you’re going to have? Maybe some people make this kind of effort just to show off or impress people. But for people who prioritize sharing pleasure with their loved ones, all the effort is part of the pleasure you expect to share. (p. 40)
Identifying Your Emotional Floor Plan
Concentrate not only explain sexuality through metaphors, but is intended to be used as a workbook for individuals to care for their individual and communal gardens. The third chapter, “Your Emotional Map” (p. 48) helps readers “develop a kind of map of the different emotional states that exist in your brain, showing you how to navigate these spaces to get close to erotic » (p. 49). That is, mapping out where pleasure-promoting spaces (lust, play, seeking, care) and pleasure-averse spaces (panic/mourning, fear, rage) are on a custom-made floor plan will help people navigate the their emotions to move more easily into areas of sexual desire.
Although this task may seem daunting, Nagoski provides readers with a litany of examples and reminds us that this, again, is another metaphor that helps us learn. “The floor plan isn’t what matters – it’s just a metaphor for the real stuff of your emotional brain. If you can recognize the emotions in yourself and understand what moves you in and out of those situations, that’s what matters” (p. 51).
You Are Not Broken
My favorite aspect of the book is Nagoski’s attention to the processes by which sex and sexuality are culturally constructed, reminding readers that you are not abnormal and that it is realistic to expect our sexuality to grow and change. For example, in chapter seven (which begins the second half of the book), Nagoski focuses on how a calm and curious approach to our changing and aging bodies can actually strengthen romantic connections, especially in the context of illness and disability. Chapter eight talks about navigating changes in relationships, chapter nine centers around cultural imperatives around sex, and in chapter ten, Nagoski highlights how gender expectations hinder the ability to unlock one’s true sexual desires.
Completely, Concentrate is a practical guide to help people better understand themselves, their sexuality, and how to tend their sexual gardens with a partner to create pleasure. The book combines scientific research with realistic vignettes of fictional couples, relatable metaphors, and an open-minded approach to sexuality that reminds readers that there is nothing “wrong” with them sexually. Nagoski does a great job of helping people name their desires and understand each other’s emotions in order to access spaces of sexual pleasure.
Concentrate is available for pre-order now. You can also learn more about the book from listening to this podcast episode we recently did with the author.
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