Most of us know what an open relationship entails, in theory. You and your partner agree that you can see other people, setting as many or as few rules and boundaries as you need to make that happen. It doesn’t sound that complicated on paper, but as with anything involving relationships and emotions, open relationships can be a little different in practice. Sometimes, we just don’t realize how different until we have already agreed to try it.
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This is especially true for those of us who have insecurities caused by our partners’ interest in other people. It can be a boost to know your partner is seeing someone else (no confusion – that’s one reason some people want an open relationship!), but it can also be painful in ways you might not have expected.
We’re saying all of this to introduce a couple on Reddit who seem to be having this exact problem. After being married for eight years, the husband has been pushing for an open marriage for years, according to his wife (aka our OP, which is Reddit-speak for whoever wrote the post). He finally agreed, but now he started acting weird and insecure — even though he was the one who wanted this arrangement in the first place. Read on for the full story and Reddit’s take on it all.
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“Passively pushing” an open relationship
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According to the OP, her husband has been “passively pushing” her to be in an open relationship for a few years now, “as if it’s a necessity,” she says. After thinking about it for a while, OP finally agreed to try an open marriage, “but we’re going to do it alone,” she explains. “He does his thing and I do mine.” They also agreed to some rules and boundaries.
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Insecurities are coming
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This all sounds pretty healthy, right? Well, the OP mentions, now things have changed. Her husband becomes increasingly insecure, to the point of becoming unrecognizable. “It’s like I married another person,” she says. “Gone is the guy who ran away from the thought of his wife with another man… Replaced with this wreck.”
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It becomes Accusative
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It got to the point where OP’s husband was “freaking out” about going to an event, telling her that he “didn’t want anyone to look at me and say I AM HIS wife!”.
O.P. managed to convict him in that case, but the issue remains. “He accuses me of trying to get away from him, and no matter how I confirm I’m not, he still brings it up,” she explains. “He says I’m aloof and acting like I usually do… Picking up arguments out of thin air to make his insecurities sound reasonable. Or he brings up arguments from the past to justify insecurities.”
The real “kicker,” OP says, is that she hasn’t even started dating or talking to anyone. He’s not even actively trying. “[I] she told him that, but he still acts this way,” she writes.
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Realizing some truths
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“It’s like all the social media reactions I’ve gotten from my pictures made him realize that I’m actually really cute,” the OP observes. In his mind, he says, “he could be with any girl or have a threesome. But he didn’t think that his wife was actually with another man.”
Now the OP is even considering divorce. She’s been working on her for years, she says, much of it to his benefit: asking him how she could be a better wife, satisfying him sexually, going to therapy… “and he can’t let go of his insecurities?”
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What does Reddit think?
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Frustrated, the OP took to the Reddit marriage forum to ask if she’s being too hard on her husband. “I feel like I’m being passively manipulated to make his insecurities seem reasonable,” she says.
The first Reddit response was something like (to quote Taylor Swift) “I think I’ve seen this movie before.”
“Husband pushes for open relationship then loses his mind when his wife is more successful at dating than him” is my FAVORITE brand on FAFO Reddit,” said one commenter. “I’ve seen so much. Horrible gold. You deserve a better OP.” Another Redditor agreed — “These posts are too many. Why don’t these guys ever think this through?”
“People never seem to do their due diligence before suggesting something like this [an open relationship,” another commenter wrote. “You guys should shut this down now and start therapy. In my humble opinion.” Other Redditors agreed, with one commenting “Funny how everyone wants an open relationship until they realize they don’t actually want an open relation.”
Another person observed that at least one good thing came out of the situation: “Going ahead with this has shown you a bit more about who he is (or who he had the potential to be), and you (rightfully) don’t want any part of it.” They continued, “You sound like you’ve been patient. If you want to try and see if there is anything to fix, you can tell him he needs to figure out what he really wants (because a truly ‘open relationship’ clearly isn’t it), and then you can discuss whether you agree with it or not and go from there, although the damage has probably been done.”
“Open relationships where one partner is pressured into accepting it never seem to work out,” another commenter wrote. “At a minimum, the partner pressuring to open things up is generally focused on their wants alone and not on what would happen when their partner starts participating too.”
While many Redditors thought OP should get the divorce she was contemplating, it sounds like OP is going to stick it out. “For now I’ve decided to work things out with my husband,” she wrote in an update on the post. “He will start therapy to work out his issues.” Best of luck, OP, and for any other partners out there considering opening up their relationship, remember that it goes both ways — you can see other people, but so can your partner!
