I have a friend who hates the word “sexy”. It has a negative connotation to it, whereas I look forward to embracing the word when my husband uses it to refer to moi. Our stories and perspectives are not the same, and that’s okay. I have learned to adjust my choice of words when conversing with her.
Especially since I have my own words about sex that evoke a negative feeling. Do you have trigger words too? Do you know why they don’t work for you? And have you and your husband discussed which language you both like?
Two words I dislike (from Ministries I admire)
Juli Slattery’s Authentic Intimacy has a fantastic ministry that deals with sex in marriage, but also sexuality throughout life and in various situations. I highly recommend people check out her resources. But…
He talks a lot about “sexual apprenticeship”. And I cringe every time I see that phrase. I recognize that the use of this term refers to something biblical and beautiful. However, years ago someone close to me joined a “Christian” cult that emphasized having a mentor who apprentice you in faith. That person eventually left, but the damage caused by that experience left a scar on my life. From this experience, I came to the conclusion that instead of relying on those who might abuse their power, I would allow myself to be discipled only by Jesus.
But here’s the thing: the verb pupil it simply means to teach or educate. In this sense, Ananias was a disciple of Paul. Akylas and Priscilla apprenticed to Apollo. Paul discipled Timothy. And so on. My background makes me wary of that word, but that’s not Juli Slattery’s problem. He says that Christians who understand God’s plan for sex must teach and educate Christians and researchers who do not know God’s plan. Which is a great idea!
The second term I struggle with is “sexual anorexia”. Invented decades ago by psychologist Nathan Hare to refer to a deep aversion or “loss of appetite” for sexual activity, but perhaps made more popular by author Patrick Carnes in his book titled—[checks notes]—Sexual anorexia. Many Christian counselors, marriage coaches, and sex therapists have adopted the term to discuss how individuals starve themselves of sexual intimacy because of fear, anxiety, and a desire for control—sometimes because of past trauma.
While I completely agree with the description and treatment of this scenario, the word anorexia it was used against me every time I grew up. You see, I was a very thin girl. The most I ever weighed in high school was 104 pounds my senior year. Trust me, I ate. But no matter what I got, I was still a size 4 or smaller. And before you hate me for it… my thin frame featured little to no curves. I ached to weigh more, feel more feminine, shop for clothes, and get fit.
Instead, I had people constantly asking me if I was anorexic. Including my father. That word became a reminder that I was weird, thin, less than a woman. So, I would never use the word anorexic for someone without secure evidence, even with sexual in front of him. Something inside me shudders at the idea.
But this is not Hare’s or Carnes’ problem. They weren’t the ones making me anorexic when I wasn’t. (And let me stop here and say that I have tremendous compassion for those who have struggled with anorexia. It is a terrible condition and I pray for everyone who has experienced it, especially that they find healing and health.)
Have I used your Trigger Word?
Sometimes I say something in a way that challenges the reader and informs me. I’m trying to clarify my meaning, but more than likely I used a word or phrase that has a negative connotation for them. And I don’t always know what to do about it. Should I stop using the really cool words because they don’t work for a few people out there?
If someone makes a good case for why I shouldn’t use a term, I certainly consider it. On our podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives, I try to stay away from words that don’t go well with my roommates. Knowing, of course, that they are not only representing themselves but also other wives who feel the same way. But of course, we can’t capture everything that might trigger someone out there.
Indeed, when I read the Bible, I may come across a word or phrase that misleads me. Sometimes I wish we could change some words that have so much baggage that the basic meaning of a passage is lost (eg Submission). But that is not the fault of the Word of God. Instead, I need to know my triggers and discern accordingly.
Still, if I’ve used a term that made you cringe, I’m sorry. That was not my intention. Rather, I try to speak clearly, but also vary my word choice to reach a range of readers.
Does your spouse know the words that trigger you?
Whatever I say pales in comparison to how your husband talks to you about sex. I have spent considerable time and effort over the years helping couples communicate more tenderly and effectively about sexual intimacy. I wrote a whole book about it!
I’ve also addressed using words that work for your lover, with posts like Talking Flirty vs Talking Dirty, 5 Sex Words I Really Want to Change, and 101 Words for Your Private Parts (but not cursing).
But the best way to find out what turns your husband on is to ask. And the best way for your husband to learn the words that turn you on is to say them. I hope this post encourages couples to have this important conversation!
The best way to find out what triggers your spouse is to ask. And the best way for your husband to learn the words that turn you on is to say them.
Just find a time when stress is low, when you can focus a little, and when you’re in a neutral or positive space for both of you, and then ask questions like:
- “Are there words or phrases I use to talk about sex that bother you?”
- “What words would you like me to use to talk about our bodies and gender?”
- “You knew I don’t like _____ [word/phrase]?”
Talk about the why behind your triggers. Some spouses use vulgar or condescending language that most spouses would object to, but sometimes—like the words I shared above—it’s just your background. If this is the case, interpret their words in the best way possible, while asking for a change in the way you discuss the matter.
And if you’re the spouse asked to change your words, go ahead. It doesn’t have to make sense to you. You may never understand why a certain term makes your loved one cringe, but “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” (Luke 6:31). Show love and honor by cooperating with their request.
By speaking in ways that demonstrate appreciation for your spouse, you foster emotional security and greater marital intimacy overall—both of which are prerequisites for a healthy and happy married sex life.
