Hello. I have been in a relationship for 4.5 years with my boyfriend. I have a better job and make more money than him. From the beginning, he borrowed money from me, but he has never paid me back. I feel like I pay for everything in the relationship I always do things for him, but I never see him do anything for me. Even when we go on vacation, I pay for everything from flights to hotels to food. He recently asked me if I would pay half for his bike. I’m starting to feel like he’s just using me but I don’t know. Am I overthinking it?
Having a higher salary than your boyfriend does not mean that you have to meet all his financial needs and you are not obliged to provide anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. It is very important to set some financial boundaries in relationships. There’s a difference between giving your partner gifts because it makes you happy to do so, and feeling pressured to bring financial burdens on your relationship.
Financial limits and why they are important
Boundaries are certain boundaries or rules you set to protect your mental, emotional, physical and social well-being. Financial boundaries are rules you establish around your finances to protect your financial well-being. These limits are not rigid, but change according to your needs and circumstances.
Financial limits cover several areas such as personal financial data and information, borrowing and lending finance, sharing financial burdens, etc. Setting boundaries ensures that you can continue to interact with people in a healthy way without giving more than you can or want to.
Related reading: Signs that your boyfriend is only in the relationship for the money
Here’s a quick guide on how to set financial limits:
- Put the ground. This includes asking yourself questions such as: What is your current financial capacity? In what ways would you prefer to use your finances? How comfortable are you with sharing with others? What are your financial goals – both short-term and long-term. This ensures that you are clear about your boundaries.
- Communicating your boundaries. Once you know what you are comfortable doing for others financially, you also realize what you are not comfortable doing. Then comes the hardest part of saying no to requests or demands that stretch you beyond a point you’re comfortable with. This includes friends, family and even your partner.
- Offer alternatives. Having financial limits doesn’t mean you have to stay shut out of things. Say, for example, because of your financial limits, you can’t go on a trip with your partner while covering both of your expenses. In this case, suggest an alternative that is more affordable for both of you.
Here are some alternative ways you can help and support your loved ones without getting involved financially:
- Providing emotional support
- They share some opportunities that can improve their situation
- To share and apply financial tips that can help them improve their own financial situation
- Celebrating non-monetary achievements
Despite clearly communicating your boundaries, if someone makes you feel guilty or pressures you into breaking your financial boundaries, this is not a healthy relationship.
Related reading : My boyfriend is marrying me out of pity
Balancing the give and take
It is very important that relationships have a balanced give and take. This imbalance becomes more difficult to detect in relationships where both partners have warm, positive feelings for each other. In this situation, the person who gives less than the other person may think they are giving enough, and thus become frustrated and confused when their partner is upset about it. On the other hand, the person who gives and gives will eventually tire and develop a deep resentment towards their partner.
This leads to frequent fights, feeling distant from each other, emotional and mental exhaustion.
It is also important to consider how much each partner can give. A person may be giving everything to the relationship and it may not be enough for their partner. A realistic idea of what you and your partner can give is essential.
The way to establish this balance is through communicating your needs and boundaries. It is your responsibility to communicate both what you need and how much you can provide. It is important to be aware of when you are overstepping your bounds when it comes to giving up on the relationship.
You trust your experience and instinct
If you feel like you’re being used, if the situation feels unfair to you, it’s okay to believe in your experience. A partner who is too comfortable asking and not providing is not a good partner. Many times the things that make you uncomfortable in your relationship can be normalized in your culture. That still doesn’t make them acceptable. Your feelings and experiences are valid because they exist.
Frequent questions
While there are no fixed “normals” in a relationship, shouldering the entire financial burden can become tiresome. If your partner is capable, they should share the costs with you. If not, there are other ways you can spend time together that would be less financially demanding for both of you.
You can decide your own financial limits. If you’re comfortable with your current arrangement and it’s not hurting you, there’s nothing wrong with it. However, if this arrangement leaves you feeling used, tired and uncomfortable, it needs to be changed
Yes, this is cause for concern. This habit of your partner can eventually become a financial burden for you. Their behavior also shows how responsible they are when it comes to money.
Financial compatibility plays a huge role in determining the success of your relationship. First and foremost, try to communicate your doubts about the future with your partner. His financial irresponsibility can have negative consequences for both of you. Second, remember that it is not your responsibility to fix your partner. If he doesn’t see a problem with his behavior, or if he doesn’t seem interested in making that change, it’s not your responsibility to force him to change. You deserve to be with someone who gives due importance to factors affecting your future together.
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