When you promised “for better or for worse” on your wedding day, you might not have imagined that “for worse” could be as difficult as your spouse leaving your marriage. It’s a heartbreaking situation, filled with a whirlwind of emotions – anger, sadness, betrayal and above all, utter helplessness. It’s natural to wonder if you should still be fighting for your marriage if your spouse has given up.
Obviously, this is an incredibly complex question and there is no single answer. However, you can navigate this highly emotional terrain with the right insights and guidance to choose the best path forward for you and your marriage.
Understanding the Situation
The first step in deciding whether to fight for your marriage is to understand the current state of your relationship. Has your husband really given up or is he just exhausted and in need of a break?
You need to consider how you “know” your spouse has resigned. Maybe it’s a noticeable lack of interest in spending time together, poor or almost non-existent communication, or repeated rejections of your attempts to discuss issues and find solutions. Your “dating” can be even more immediately obvious, such as a confession from your partner that they no longer want to be in the marriage.
Whatever evidence you have for knowing your spouse has left, chances are you’re experiencing a myriad of emotions. Some common in this condition include feelings of rejection, insecurity and sadness.
However, it is important to remember that emotions, while extremely important, can sometimes cloud judgement. When you’re hurt, it’s easy to assume the worst, but taking a step back to assess the situation objectively is crucial. As hard as it is, this is where you have to decide if it’s time to stand your ground and fight for your marriage.
Why it’s important to fight for your marriage
When you took your wedding vows, you probably promised to stick by each other in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. But what happens when the “worst” becomes your everyday life? Do you still have to fight for your marriage?
In a word, yes.
A marriage is not just a relationship. It is a commitment, a promise and, in many ways, a journey. It’s about growth, personal and together, learning to navigate the ebbs and flows of life as a team. There are bound to be rough patches, but it’s the tough times that test the strength of your bond and offer an opportunity to strengthen it.
Even if your spouse seems resigned, there may be hidden feelings of fear, anxiety, or hurt that they find difficult to express. The decision to fight for your marriage is not about winning or losing. Instead, it’s about acknowledging those unspoken feelings, reopening lines of communication, and rebuilding intimacy and trust that may have eroded over time.
Fighting for your marriage means recognizing the value of what you once had, the love that was there, and the possibility, however dim it may seem now, of rekindling that flame. It’s an opportunity to address the issues that led to this disconnect and work on them to transform your relationship into a more fulfilling and happier relationship.
How to fight for your marriage on your own
Fighting for your marriage when you feel like you’re the only one holding the rope can seem like a herculean task. However, even a flicker of hope can ignite the flame of change, and these steps can help ignite that spark:
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Understand and Acknowledge the Situation
The first step is to get clarity about the reality of your marriage. This means that you recognize your spouse’s detachment and the pain it brings. Understand that it’s natural to grieve the change in your relationship dynamic. And know that acceptance paves the way for change.
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Communicate openly and honestly
While your spouse may seem indifferent, it is necessary to express your feelings honestly. Let them know how their withdrawal affects you and your hope for the future. It is not to blame but to share your emotional reality. I remember, clear and open communication can often knock down walls.
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Offer and seek support
Isolation can be damaging when it seems like your spouse has given up. Seek support from trusted friends, family or professional advisors. You’ll also want to make it clear to your husband that you’re there for him, no matter what.
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Rebuilding trust
Trust is often the first casualty when a marriage falters. Building trust takes time and patience. Let your actions show that you are committed to improving the relationship.
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take care of yourself
Self-care is far from selfish. When you take care of yourself physically and emotionallyyou can cope better with the situation and be a pillar of strength in your relationship.
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Be patient and persistent
Change is rarely immediate. So give your spouse time to accept and appreciate your efforts that point to the possibility of a better relationship.
Fighting for your marriage alone can seem like an uphill battle, but remember that it’s okay and definitely necessary to seek help.
Seeking professional help
Even the strongest of people need a helping hand sometimes, especially when navigating the stormy seas of marital discord. This is where professional help is so beneficial. Hiring a relationship coach or counselor provides a safe and unbiased platform to express feelings, identify problems, and work toward solutions.
A unique avenue of professional help is the private retreat for couples. Unlike traditional once-a-week therapy sessions, a private couples retreat offers an intensive, immersive experience to catalyze change in your relationship. It’s like a deep dive into your relationship dynamics, giving you new insights and tools to foster healthier communication, understanding and connection.
Whether your spouse is reluctant or open to the idea, exploring a retreat can be an effective way to reignite the flames of your marriage. You can learn strategies to deal with conflict, rebuild trust, and rediscover the love that once bound you together. The retreat setting provides a space free of everyday distractions, allowing you to focus on the other person and your relationship.
If your spouse is reluctant to engage in any type of professional help, individual therapy or counseling sessions for you may also be beneficial. These sessions can help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself, your feelings, and the dynamics of your relationship. Also learn how to manage your responses and create a more positive atmosphere that can gradually draw your spouse back into the relationship.
Knowing when to let go
Navigating a struggling marriage often feels like sailing against the wind. While fighting for your marriage is important, it’s just as important to recognize when to drop anchor. If your spouse continues to remain indifferent despite your continued efforts and professional help, it may be time to consider a divorce.
Remember, your mental and emotional well-being is important. You are a unique person who deserves love, respect and peace. There are situations where the most loving thing you can do for yourself and your spouse is to let it go. Recognizing this does not mean you have failed. Instead, it means that you had the courage to fight for your marriage and now, you have the strength to fight for yourself.
Although this thought may be difficult to accept, it is important to remember that professional help is also available during this transition. From one-on-one counseling to support groups, there are resources to help you navigate this difficult journey.
Obviously, divorce is a last resort. Your marriage deserves your courage and determination to fight for it.
And, no matter how your journey turns out, remember that love is a maze. Its winding paths often throw us challenges that require courage, patience and perseverance. If your spouse seems to have left your marriage, remember, it doesn’t necessarily signal the end. Instead, it could be a starting point for a journey towards personal growth and relationship transformation.
The thought of navigating this maze alone can be overwhelming. But you don’t have to do it alone. Mary Ellen Goggin offers relationship coaching for individuals and works with her partner Dr. Jerry Duberstein to offer private accommodations to couples. To learn more about working with Mary Ellen and possibly charting a new path for your relationship, contact her here. Begin your journey with an experienced guide and you may be surprised at the strength and resilience you discover within yourself.
There is a saying, “All’s fair in love and war.” Maybe it’s time to stop seeing the challenges of your marriage as a war and start seeing them as opportunities for love to evolve, grow, and even surprise you. Remember, it takes a little spark to reignite a flame. Could you be that spark for your marriage?
Mary Ellen Goggin offers relationship coaching for individuals and collaborates with her partner Dr. Jerry Duberstein to offer private accommodations to couples. To learn more about working with Mary Ellen, contact her here.
