What is conscious dating? That’s what you’ll find out in this episode of the Breathe Love & Magic podcast with my guest, mindful dating expert, Lauren Smith. This will improve the way you date forever, so treat yourself and listen to him!
Conscious dating is a careful approach
Lauren began the interview by clarifying that she is not a dating coach. But with her extensive knowledge of what gets in the way emotionally, it sure could be.
He’s just a man who went through a lot of heartbreak and needed a tool to get through it during the pandemic. It worked so well for her, Lauren wants to share this tool with other singles.
It all started with the quarantine, when it became difficult to meet someone new because businesses were not open. Not the movies, not the restaurants or the bars. So she got on dating apps and found someone!
Lauren has decided to date a woman this time and attributes it to the loneliness and thinking time that COVID provides. Meeting this new woman was SO exciting. He had never felt this way about anyone before.
Since dating couldn’t be done in the normal way with dinner dates etc, they ended up spending a lot of time together at each other’s houses. This sped up the process and things quickly got hot and heavy.
The beat dramatized all the things Lauren did wrong in relationships. She noticed many microbehaviors that led her to toxic partners. The accelerated time frame allowed her to clearly see the crazy things she was doing.
Gaps in her skill set
Gaps in the relationship skill set caused these problems. For example, the hardest gap she had to admit was her expectation that the person she was dating should have their shit with them. Lauren found that she was too focused on why her girlfriend wasn’t trying to fix her problems.
Bravely, Lauren admits that she should have focused on taking responsibility for HER problems. Not looking within created a fog around her that made it harder to see these toxic behaviors.
Eventually, Lauren realized that she wasn’t actually resentful of her girlfriend’s troubles. No, instead she was angry at herself for not taking steps to create a good situation for herself. In other words, she was upset that she chose someone who wasn’t right for her.
In fact, he recognized that he chose the woman he could BECOME for, versus being a person who could meet her needs from the start.
The Brilliant Ah-Ha Moment
That was a great ah-ha moment because when you realize you’re outwardly focused and putting pressure on someone else, that’s your first chance to see what you’re doing. You need to focus on yourself and figure out if your date can meet your needs exactly as they are today.
You have to accept the person you’re dating for who they are right now. You can’t hope and expect them to improve.
Your dates that aren’t going well aren’t bad people. But they are not right for you as they may not have the same values, want the same kind of relationship or see life the same way. That’s why it’s a mismatch!
The point here is that you can’t fix anyone. Conscious dating means looking for a good match based on who they are right now.
Many of my clients come into every new relationship with the attitude that they can “make it work”. This is not appropriate!
If you’ve been in a relationship for a year and a problem comes up that you want to work around to make things work, that’s okay. But not on date two or three!
This realization for Lauren was huge. He could no longer point the finger at everyone else. He admitted, “Oh, it’s me. I’m the one who has my priorities mixed up, or I’m the one who avoids conflict.” At that point, it became clear that she was the one who needed to change.
Mindful Dating – Fantasy vs. the Present Moment
Another big lesson was to be careful about getting lost in a fantasy. Since this was the first woman he had ever dated, he was lost in how good she felt and how excited she was for the possibilities ahead. He paid no attention to events for the present moment.
Basic mindfulness is about coming back to the now, re-engaging with your senses, discovering the real experience you have. You have to look at the data. If you lose touch with this information, you may think that everything will be better later.
This is a place to practice mindfulness and why it’s called mindful dating. Stay informed as you meet someone new and don’t let your heart lead you into imagining your romantic future.
Even when things are great now, if you ignore the facts and focus on how great it WILL be, you think you’ll be happy someday. It’s almost like you’re trading happiness in the present moment for happiness in a future that never was and may never be.
In Lauren’s past, focusing on a great future was better than looking at how she might need to look within herself and make some changes.
This is where Lauren really raised her awareness of herself and dating. She started meeting new people using this new conscious dating idea, really thinking about practicality and facts about the people she met.
The future romantic fantasy is a huge trap that women fall into, thinking that things will be better later when the man falls in love with her. However, a relationship will NEVER be better than first dates.
Sex on the first date and more dating questions answered here
When to leave
If you don’t see what you like in the first three dates, walk away. If someone is close to what you’re looking for on first dates, go on another date to learn more.
However, if the person doesn’t make you happy, lift your spirits, or add fun to your life, walk away. Or, if the person you’re dating isn’t treating you right or bringing out the best in you, move on.
This mindset shift that happened for Lauren has carried over into every part of her life and she now has the most confidence in dating! She thought it was backwards, but I assured her that much of life is like dating. For example, sales – there is a lot of rejection!
Love is your destiny
One thing I firmly believe is that love is YOUR destiny. At one point Lauren had said something about getting your matches while you can as if that wasn’t enough. Here is where I disagree.
If love is your destiny, then there is no shortage. Each person you meet brings you closer to the right partner for you. After a bad date, dust yourself off and ask, “Okay, who’s next?”
Insecurities show up for everyone. But having your standards set and feeling worthy of love helps you get over the rough patch of self-doubt. Keep these standards in mind! This is conscious dating and mindful dating.
You deserve to be treated with respect and feel safe to be yourself. Don’t abandon templates like these or others you might develop. This is how you find someone you are compatible with for a lasting love that is fun and fulfilling.
God, there was so much more to the episode, you’ll have to hear the rest for yourself. Many gems have come out of her mouth and Lauren is a can’t-miss fount of dating wisdom.
For more, listen to Lauren’s podcast Date in peace on any platform or Mettadatesudios.com website
BIO – Lauren Smith
Lauren is an author, speaker and host Date at the Irini Podcast. Combining her own personal success story with her professional training in mind, Lauren empowers singles to ditch the dating race and claim the love relationship they so deeply deserve.
She is its creator MettaDate Journal Mobile Appand its author The Mindful Dating Journal: Find Healthy Love That Lasts. Learn more at
Free for too long, Ronnie wanted to find love. She put her personal development skills and spiritual path to work, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet her adorable husband Paul. Discovering it keys to event and average dating agefounded It’s Never Too Late to help smart, successful women find love or live a dynamic and magical life. Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, is a certified life coach who has helped 1,000’s of midlife women with her Love & Magical Life Coach services. She is his hostess Breathe Love & Magic podcast and has been featured on NBC, ABC and Fox News, NPR, BBC, eHarmony, MSN.com and Connecticut Magazine among others. Ronnie is also the author of 6 books available at Amazon.