It was cold—not just outside their Central Oregon home, but cold inside their personal lives—their relationship. It seemed like forever since anything warm happened in the kitchen – let alone the bedroom. ,
HE: Familiar? Do you mean hugging or holding hands? Kissing? Sex?
ME: Any of these. How long has it been since you were affectionate together?
HE: To be honest, I can’t remember the last time we touched each other at all.
ME: It’s too bad. How do you feel about that?
HE: It saddens me to realize that.
In fact, it was very cold between them. Like Bend, OR in February. Or even Minneapolis, MN. And, it’s been that way for a long time. So long that he could hardly remember the warmer times. Finally, he remembered that they had two personal experiences during the pandemic, but since then, things had completely gone off the rails. Frozen.
These clients were like many couples I work with. The pandemic has exposed the winter bedtime stories they’ve been telling each other about their relationship for far too long.
The story “We don’t have time”.
The We’re Too Busy story.
The story is fine if we never do.
The sex story is no longer important.
The story “We will not part”.
Sound familiar?
What kind of stories are you telling yourself about your relationship these days?
What is the truth; What is really going on?
2023 is coming to an end very quickly. It’s almost over. Many of us take stock of where we were at the beginning of the year and where we are now. We are thinking about next year. We wonder what kind of changes 2024 might bring.
How are you? The first of this year seems like yesterday, but it wasn’t. 365 days have passed. There were many, many moments. There were many, many shared opportunities, experiences and expectations. Opportunities taken, opportunities lost.
What happened? Has your relationship felt amazing and passionate or frustrating and almost impossible?
What have you done to make things better? Have you talked to your partner about your frustrations? Have you read any books on communication or intimacy? Have you worked with an individual therapist? Have you found a couples counselor? Have you sought help from a sex-positive professional?
Are you closer to having the vibrant, connected and truly intimate life you deeply desire than you were 12 months ago?
In my clients bedroom, things were heating up. They realized that talking honestly about what they really wanted was the key to feeling connected and comfortable. Although it was difficult, they learned how to communicate about their desires and how to express their feelings. Their interactions together were more friendly and playful. They began to share affection again – a kiss here, a hug there. The pressure they felt to “go all the way” disappeared. Their mutual sense of awkwardness slowly disappeared.
I know it’s hard to think about these things. But you and I know that these problems almost never fix themselves. It is difficult to thaw the cold without help. Wouldn’t it be great to be warm and fuzzy as a couple a year from now?
Ho ho
PS: Here is a link to enter my calendar for a free virtual coffee chat. It’s so cool and so easy: Virtual coffee chat
Dr. Jane Gane
