Imagine a group of husband and wife sitting in a coffee shop talking about their lives. A subject comes to its natural conclusion and a long pause lingers. One of the women breaks the silence with a single word: “Men.” What conversation do you think is coming next?
A. Praise for their husbands and other good men they know
B. Curiosity and appreciation of the differences between men and women
C. Frustrations about men and confusion about trying to understand and get along with them
D. Complaining about men and complaining about how they think and act
E. Talks about Patriarchy and how masculinity can be toxic to women
I suspect that the first option (A) would be the least likely outcome, with the second option (B) a close second. The most likely response would be frustration, complaints and/or rants.
Why is the male gender so unpopular with many women these days? What happened to turn us against each other?
Is there a war on men?
I recently finished The Toxic War on Masculinity: How Christianity Reconciles the Sexes by Nancy R. Pearcey, best-selling author, scholar, and professor at Houston Christian University (formerly Houston Baptist University). I was drawn to the title because I’ve long disliked the battle of the sexes, but I’ve seen it get worse in recent years. While some tension is inevitable, I desire greater understanding, compassion and appreciation from men to women and vice versa.
In Toxic war, Pearcey argues that the assault on masculinity itself did not start recently. Instead, its history begins with the Industrial Revolution, when husbands and wives went from living and working together to men going out into the public workplace and women staying at home to manage the children and the household. It’s not that there was never a division of labor before, but for the most part, men and women shared the duties of providing and caring. When that changed, so did our expectations of what men and women should do and be.
Ultimately, we’ve settled on two versions of masculinity—the “good man” and the “real man”—and when the Real Man narrative dominates, we begin to reject masculinity as a whole. We are fighting against masculinity itself, when that is not the issue. In fact, masculinity comes from God and is, as Genesis 1 clearly states, “very good.”
Thus God created man in His image, in the image of God He created him. male and female he created them… And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.
Genesis 1:27, 31
Men are not the problem. But sometimes we act like they are. Or we assign to all men what some do to sour their good name.
Men are not the problem. But sometimes we act like they are. Or we assign to all men what some do to sour their good name.
When it comes specifically to sex, we understand that all men crave or look at pornography. We believe that men are hard-wired to “spread their seed” rather than commit to a single woman and family. We’re talking about men who want one thing from women: sex. We suggest that they cannot control their sexual desire or their wandering gaze. We expect moral failure and then get angry when men fail.
But is that what it means to be a man? No.
We should be angry when men hurt women. But too often, we don’t deal with bad actors, harmful behaviors, or wrong expectations of men. Instead, we attack the men themselves. And insist they become less masculine.
We need more men.
Let’s go back to the Real vs Good Man dichotomy. In her book, Pearcey shares an experiment that sociologist Michael Kimmel has run many times, asking many thousands of children the difference between a real man and a good man. Here is a summary of the responses he received.
| A real man | Good man |
| Don’t ever cry | Integrity |
| Be strong | Price |
| Don’t show your emotions | Be responsible |
| Suck it up | Be a good provider, protector |
| Win at any cost | Do the right thing |
| Be aggressive | Put others first, sacrifice |
| get rich | Take care |
| Get some rest | Stand up for the little one |
Many men have suffered under the pressure to be a Real Man, when true, God-sanctioned manhood is being a good man. This was Jesus: a man who showed his emotions, cared for others, stood up for the oppressed, and lived with integrity and honor.
Here is the masculinity to which Paul called men:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up to sanctify it, cleansing it with the washing of water through the word, and to present it to himself as a shining church, without spot or wrinkle or any another blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his body, but he nourishes and cares for his body, as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
Ephesians 5:25–31
When men truly “man up” and become Good Men, they not only honor God but become better providers, protectors, companions, and lovers of their wives.
When men truly “man up” and become good men, they not only honor God, but become better providers, protectors, companions, and lovers of their wives.
Where are the good men?
Nancy Pearcey begins her book by sharing a personal story of horrific abuse at the hands of her father, a man who claimed to have faith in God. He knows from personal experience that many men are not good, and the label “Christian” doesn’t provide the reassurance that it perhaps should.
Without going into details, let me say that I know from personal experience how some men intentionally, repeatedly and deeply hurt women. I am more than ready to fight against such oppressors. But I also know Good Men who would fight with me.
Where are these good men? Pearcey shares some really interesting research on how evangelical men respond to secular men when it comes to divorce and domestic abuse. You may have heard the statistics that divorce and domestic violence are just as rampant in evangelical circles as in secular society. But in reality, evangelicals can be divided into two groups: nominal and pious.
Nominal Christians identify with a religious tradition, but do not have a transformative relationship with Christ. They divorce and abuse wives at a higher rate than secular men! They may go to church, but instead of embracing a deep faith, they “listen to it Language of headship and submission, but not enough to learn the biblical sense from those terms… They pick verses from the Bible and read them through the mesh of male superiority and entitlement they have absorbed from the secular code for the ‘Real’ Man’.
Over the years, I’ve seen quite a few men like him comment here or message me. Some are actually very well versed in Bible passages, but they focus on a few points instead of taking in the whole counsel of God. And they tend to be more concerned with their rights than their obligations.
Meanwhile, godly husbands—those who fix their eyes on Jesus—“are more affectionate with their wives and more emotionally attached to their children than any other group in America. They have the least chance of breaking up and they do lower levels of domestic abuse and violence’. They are the Good People.
Good men bring out the good in men.
How can we overcome the fallacy of the Real Man and advance the call of the Good Man? As a mom of boys, I often told my sons that being masculine meant using their strength to help and protect others. Given who they became as adults, I think they got the message. But what mattered as much or more was the example they saw in my husband as he lived with integrity, cared for others, and encouraged them to do the right thing, even when it was hard. He also never shamed them for feeling and expressing pain—whether physical or emotional.
The truth is, there is no substitute for Good Men showing what masculinity looks like and teaching young men to be Good Men.
And oh, what a difference it can make in the arena of sexuality! Good men need to show what it’s like to exercise self-control, see women as whole people and not body parts, charm a woman and be nice to her, seek an emotional connection in the bedroom as well as a physical one, and be faithful in body, heart and mind.
Good men need to show what it’s like to exercise self-control, see women as whole people and not body parts, charm a woman and be nice to her, seek emotional connection in the bedroom as well as physical, and be faithful in body, heart and mind.
Above all, Good People must point other people to Christ. Not the nominal designation “Christian” or “religious,” but the transformation of his life by the healing power of Christ and the guidance of the inner workings of the Holy Spirit.
And a word to the wives…
How would you react to the word “men” at a coffee table with friends?
Yes, I was guilty too. Not for a war on men, but for verbal jabs and stabs that portray men as the problem. But if what we want is less of Real Man masculinity that harms women and more of Good Man masculinity that defends women, then wouldn’t we be wise to make that distinction? To positively reinforce Good Men for what they do and call more men to commit to Christian manhood?
How we talk about men matters. We can make them feel like enemies or we can let them know we are on their side. We can fight against each other or fight alongside each other. After all, what can make a good man even better is a good woman.
related posts
Get the book: The Toxic War on Masculinity: How Christianity Reconciles the Genders by Nancy R. Pearcey
