Hello friends,
What comes to mind when you hear the word “boundaries”?
For certain limits they are great and useful. They see them as essential to health, happiness and balance. While others see them as very negative and difficult to implement. For them, boundaries are harsh, suffocating and rude. There is a third group of people who are indifferent. They just don’t see the point in having them, so why should they define them.
Why does this matter?
Boundaries in marriage can be difficult because usually someone who loves boundaries will marry someone who doesn’t. Proof of the old adage, “opposites attract” is true.
The person who loves boundaries wants them set and enforced and may even be very rigid with them. Where the one who hates or doesn’t care about them would find it extremely difficult to set those limits or maintain them once they are in place. This can bring a level of frustration to both parties because no one feels heard, seen or respected. These issues can cause major problems if not addressed properly.
The simple fact is that the boundaries themselves are not the problem. However, the solution to this may not be so simple because the problem is one’s perspective and the application of boundaries (or lack thereof). Attitudes and misconceptions must change for boundaries to be beneficial in a relationship.
So to help you and your marriage, and possibly prevent these issues from causing conflict with your spouse, let’s find out what boundaries really are and see if we can clear up some misconceptions.
What is a Limit?
If you look up the word “limit” you will find that it is defined as a line marking the boundary of an area. There are lines that are well defined and marked so that others do not cross them. However, as I searched for this blog, I found many good definitions for this controversial word. I wanted to share some of them here.
A limit in a marriage is the limit of what a person is willing to accept from their partner.
Boundaries serve as an outward expression of a person’s core values, beliefs, and reflect what they need to feel safe, respected, and loved.
~April Eldemir
A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sensation
property. Knowing what I need to own and taking responsibility for gives me freedom.
~Henry Cloud
I even looked in Word to see if limits were mentioned, and found that they were.
In this verse we see that even God sets limits in our lives, and that’s okay! God puts these in place to keep us safe and going in the direction He has for our lives. He has set boundaries all around us for our benefit and protection.
Well, with that in mind here is the question.
Are boundaries good or bad?
The short answer is that boundaries are good. However, like everything else it must be used correctly. Anything used incorrectly can be a weapon, but a tool in the right hand can make something beautiful. The same is true when we use boundaries correctly. They define us, protect us, and can set us free to live a full and abundant life.
Limits in Marriage
Boundaries are especially necessary in a marriage. For a marriage to be healthy, there are several areas where healthy boundaries can be set. Because, as April Eldemire said above, boundaries define what your boundaries are, what your core beliefs are, and what you need to feel safe and secure.
Some areas where you may want to consider boundaries are-
- Mother-in-law and other family members (Genesis 2:24)- the Bible tells us to “leave and separate” and that means our spouse and marriage must come first. This includes any family relationship. Can you still honor and spend time with your family? Of course, but they must be in a proper and healthy place in your life.
- Communication (Ephesians 4:29)- There must be limits to how you speak about your spouse as well, whether it is in an argument or in normal conversation. We have “Battle Boundaries” in our marriage, but we also have boundaries for everyday conversations. You can find out how we set up Battle Boundaries by reading our blog, Rules of Engagement Marriage Edition.
- Money (Hebrews 13:5) – money is the number one source of conflict in a marriage. Setting boundaries can get you and your spouse on the same page with your finances, which can be a great peace of mind in your relationship.
- Friends and work relationship (Proverbs 4:23)- There are some people with whom we will spend a lot of time, without our spouse being present. There should be boundaries there to protect your heart and your most important relationship.
- Personal (Psalm 139:14) – Even though we are one in marriage, we can still be unique. It’s easy to want to change things about your spouse so boundaries can be set to prevent this from happening.
- Intimacy (Hebrews 13:4)-Sex and intimacy are a vital part of any marriage. It’s important to have conversations about this aspect of marriage and set boundaries that work for both husband and wife.
The next step
Understanding that boundaries are good and beneficial to your marriage (and life in general) is only the first step in this beautiful adventure we are on. The next step is to decide what boundaries need to be set and figure out how to enforce them.
This might seem overwhelming, especially if you’re someone who has issues with boundaries, but we promise it’s not as hard as it seems.
In our next blog, we’ll break down the areas of marriage where boundaries can be set and show you ways to set and enforce them.
