I was recently asked to provide some ideas how a couple can improve their relationship if their sexual preferences are not compatible. It inspired me to explore sex compatibility below.
In short, you are sexually compatible if both your sexual needs and your partner’s needs are met. That being said, not many people are completely clear about what their needs are and how to communicate them.
Here is a non-exhaustive list of things that people consider important when it comes to sex compatibility:
Frequency
When we talk about sexual compatibility, perhaps most of the time, people talk about libido mismatch or how often partners want to have sex.
Stimulation speed
How long would it take to get each partner excited.
Types of activities/fetishes needed to create excitement
Willingness to engage in sexual activities your partner enjoys more.
Examples:
- If you can only orgasm with oral sex, it would be difficult to be in a relationship with someone who refuses to do oral.
- If you have a fetish, you won’t be sexually compatible with someone who judges you for it.
- If you both prefer to be dominant (or submissive) in bed, it would be hard not to desire a partner with a complimentary preference.
Contact
Be able to talk about sex, desires or concerns with ease.
Example:
Some people prefer to have a partner who can talk openly and unashamedly about their wants, needs, likes, dislikes, boundaries, fantasies, etc.
Experience level
How sexually experienced you and your partners are.
Example:
- If you are a virgin, you may feel less intimidated by someone who is also inexperienced. Or, conversely, he may prefer to be with someone experienced.
- If you are quite experienced, you may feel frustrated with someone who is new.
- Some people would prefer a partner who is comfortable in their own body, knows what works for them sexually and can express it.
Attitudes towards sex
I prefer social, moral, relational, religious or physical views of sex. Being on the same page about trying new things, whether it’s a new position, a new toy, exploring kinks or naughty fantasies, watching porn or reading romance, period sex, dirty talk, etc.
Examples:
- If you don’t want to have sex before marriage, you won’t be a good match with someone who doesn’t want to wait until then.
- You see sex as a fun and pleasurable activity, while your partner thinks it should only be for reproduction.
- If you’re only open to sex in a committed romantic relationship, it’s going to be hard to make it work with someone who likes casual sex.
- You enjoy sex with multiple partners while your partner is strictly monogamous.
- You want to use condoms, but your partner refuses.
- Your partner is bisexual, but you consider same-sex sexual involvements a sin.
Natural compatibility
Genital anatomy mismatch.
If your parts don’t match at all, it can be difficult (though not impossible) to have an enjoyable and fulfilling sex life.
Performance compatibility
Ability to produce/maintain an erection, ability to orgasm.
Examples:
- If you want your partner to stay hard for a certain amount of time to reach orgasm, you may decide that you are sexually incompatible.
- If you’re ready to climax together, it can be frustrating not being able to.
- If you’re stuck watching your partner orgasm with you while he can’t.
Pacing
How quickly someone wants to have sex.
Example:
You may lose interest if your partner prefers to wait three months before having sex.
Style
The preferred method of sexual connection.
Examples:
- You want to be pinned to the wall, sparks flying and clothes ripping while your partner longs for a slow dance and a sensual massage.
- You want to be tied up and bossy while your partner is looking forward to some plain old fashioned fucking.
- You want to tell your partner that your heart melts when you look into their eyes, while they would rather use dirty talk.
Importance of sex
How important is your sex life to both of you? Is it at the top of your priority list or at the bottom? It’s a good idea to be clear on this so there are no surprises down the road.
Note: You may find some items on this list superficial, or there may be things that are important to you that are not included. Just use this as inspiration to create a list of your own unique sexual needs and find a way to communicate them to your lovers.
How come?
Being in a relationship where you have different sexual preferences is something most people have personal experience with.
So, why should this be? Wouldn’t people figure out early on that they are sexually incompatible? How is it that some people spend 5-10 years in their marriage to come to this ugly conclusion?
Here are some reasons why people end up in sexually incompatible relationships:
- At the beginning of the relationship (that is, if there is chemistry between you), your brain is flooded with powerful chemicals, such as dopamine and norepinephrine, responsible for a feeling of euphoria. It means that for the first 3-9 months the sexual connection is easy and pleasant and these incompatibilities will not appear until later.
- Some people prioritize emotional closeness over sexual compatibility. These people will likely focus on making relationships work emotionally, putting concerns about physical compatibility on the back burner.
- Many hope that even though things aren’t working out in the bedroom right now, their sex life will improve on its own with time.
- Others feel really insecure about talking about sex, worried that their partner will take things personally or judge them. As a result, they put up with sex that doesn’t make them and they gradually grow apart.
