Dating and being in a relationship can leave you wondering what to do with your significant other depending on your relationship type. When we are in a new relationship, certain pressures can cause a lot of inner turmoil and we try to cover up or change the shades of ourselves from others.
We often hide the true versions of ourselves for fear that if the person we’re really with really knew, the person behind the mask might run away in fear. These masks are inevitably incorporated and transformed into our ideal selves (masks): the version of ourselves that we project so that we can or will be accepted by others.
So how do we drop our masks and allow others to see us, especially at times when we feel vulnerable like Valentine’s Day? This is sometimes difficult for us to do as it requires us to be vulnerable and allow our true selves to be seen or heard. To be vulnerable takes risk… Yes, it’s scary but absolutely necessary if you want to be truly known and loved. When we become vulnerable, we free ourselves from external expectations that are often established by social norms. Social normative messages, the unwritten rules that shape much human behavior, are often intended to influence our choices and can be found in everyday forms such as various magazine advertisements, daily news, and many other sources. Normative messaging can be defined as the use of influential people who lead us to conform in order to be liked and accepted by them. Some might even compare it to early childhood bullying in school: conform or else. But what impact does it have on our relationships?
When we look at children, they have not been exposed to the multitude of normative messages that society shoves in our faces every day. They are pure and strange, reminding us of when we were fully vulnerable and able to express our full selves. When you look at healthy children now, notice how full of vigor and peace they are, doing things that bring them joy on an ongoing basis. Of course, our upbringing and caregivers had a great influence on how we developed over the years, but have we ever measured the influence of society? When did we begin to depart from the full self and separate the ideal self from the true self? It really depends on your personal experience. Sometimes children learn to please their parents or peers in order to receive recognition. We take all these experiences and store them in our brains until adulthood, which then creates an articulated version of the ideal self (that you feel confident projecting to the outside world).
Think back to a time when you were shy and the mask you created to function normally among those around you. Or the time you had to give a presentation in front of a crowd and the ideal self you wanted to convey. We do it in our jobs every day, in our communities, and yes… most of all in our relationships. Whenever we find ourselves out of alignment with our true selves, we begin to stress and develop a mask as a coping skill in order to develop an ideal self that we project to the world. This anxiety pushes us beyond our sense of integrity and limitless self, so we develop an ideal self that will be less injured if exposed. We all see these versions of the ideal self or mask: the successful career-driven person who seems to have it all together, the well-groomed person who seems to have a sense of balance in their life—oh, and don’t get me wrong, it started with masks we wear in dating! (Okay, to be honest, that’s completely different article On its own.) But seriously, if we look at all the data out there about current online dating profile trends, most of them lie about their age, height and weight… All just to impress the other party with hope to get a date. Really? It’s not to ensure the success of a hookup, just to make sure the person you’re hooking up with might like you enough to meet up. I find it eerily similar to what we do with our resumes and potential employers. I only mention online dating statistics because I think it sometimes defines how we act in general among the masses and how we choose to portray ourselves. Crazy, right? As far as masks go, it seems ingrained in us to try to impress others with skills, material possessions, or physical prowess.
So the next time you meet someone new… ask yourself… are you hiding behind a mask or can you allow yourself to be truly known by others? I invite you to sit with a curiosity about how you can invite others, even those with whom we are emotionally intimate, to take off their masks as well. It might surprise you both, and you might end up learning more about each other, causing a deeper connection.
To start the process towards a deeper connection and see what’s under your mask, get your free 15-minute consultation
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