Conflict over finances is a major stressor in relationships for many couples. In fact, money is one of the most common things couples argue about. Financial issues can affect their relationship and arguments about money are the main cause of divorce. When couples fight about money, they tend to blame each other which leads to anger and resentment.
Money is a touchy subject for most couples. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to approach issues such as
uneven assets, layoffs and credit card debt. Disputes about finances usually are not
really about the money but about our dreams, fears and insecurities. For example, growing in a
household where money was tight, compared to a household where money was flowing, may affect your financial style (such as
consumer versus saver). It’s important to understand how it matches or contrasts with yours
partner style.
Understanding what money means to each of us
Our relationship with money starts from childhood. We all have a money story that includes myths,
misconceptions and habits. When our stories, attitudes and beliefs about money collide with our own
partner, sparks can fly. If this “us against each other” mentality doesn’t change to “us against each other”.
problem, high conflict can become perpetual and a source of chronic tension in a relationship.
Many of us grew up in families that told us that talking about money was rude or that our
Personal finances are private and should not be discussed with others. These myths and misconceptions
it can make us avoid discussing finances or keep secrets about how much money we spend or what we own
debt.
Studies show that when couples have low conflict they talk about money and healthy financial habits
(as they spend less than they earn), the ups and downs of their relationship may be less disruptive.
They can develop a mindset of abundance rather than scarcity. This means that a mindset of
“money is tight” can be changed to “there is plenty of money for everyone”.
Strengthening financial intimacy
A great way to enhance financial intimacy with your partner is to share a secret. Tell a story
about a time when you had trouble managing money, made a mistake, miscalculated, or did any kind of
financial mistake. It’s like working out with your partner and revealing part of your past
feels forbidden or dark.
Another way to increase financial intimacy with your partner and learn more about them
needs, wants and desires, is to ask open-ended questions. According to Dr. John Gottman, asking questions that don’t require more than a yes or no answer can kill a conversation, while open-ended questions like “What did you like about our money conversation last night?” require a deeper response that
it can enhance the conversation. Financial intimacy can help couples become stronger financial partners.
Better financial communication success doesn’t start and end with just one
conversation. Making a “Communication Promise” to have regular conversations lowers conflict
money, you can foster a healthy dialogue and protect your marriage from the eternal
bad communication.
Most couples constantly talk about money like, “Don’t forget to pay the cell phone bill, or “The kids
I need money for lunch.’ But they don’t have regular conversations about money that are intentional – with a goal
improving communication about finances. Now is the time to discuss your beliefs and values about money, such as
as well as the details of finances such as spending, saving, giving to charity and retirement – the basic ways
money flows into your life.
8 Ways to Have Lower Conflict Conversations About Money
- Make a “Communication Promise” as a couple and set ground rules for regular check-ins
financially. Create ways to have productive and loving conversations about money each month. Plan a
monthly date night to have money conversations in a neutral location like a restaurant. - Discuss your history with money and how it might affect your marriage. Recognize and speak
about both your family’s beliefs about money and how they might affect you
Contact. Different perspectives must be recognized and can lead to reciprocity
understanding and not friction. - Start a conversation with a gentle and curious tone to reduce your partner’s defensiveness. Follow this by stating how you feel, why you feel that way, and what you need to feel better in your relationship. Be specific, like “We need to review our credit accounts together once a month when we talk about money.”
- Avoid defending or attacking your partner. Try to use a soft start and “I” statements for your comments, such as “I’m feeling anxious about our spending right now and it’s making me worry, can we talk about it this weekend?”
- Show compassion, understanding and respect for differences. You can prove it with
ask good questions, listen actively, validate your partner’s views and work towards compromise. - Fully disclose your financial history, purchases, assets and debts. This usually means sharing
bank and credit card statements. Be sure to ask questions like “When would you like to buy
a new car; Or, what are your plans to stay at your job?’ - Resolve differences and challenges instead of trying to “be right”. You may need a financial advisor to help you with a financial plan. Focus on the bigger issues instead of blaming each other for past mistakes.
- Productive conversations about finances include taking responsibility for your flaws and
mistakes. To learn and practice financial literacy, take responsibility for your behavior,
Apologize when you make errors in judgment and learn from your partner’s feedback.
Last words
Using these 8 ways to have less money conversations with your partner will lead to increased intimacy. Both will help you get into a “we’re in this together” mindset about finances and help build the foundation for a happy, long-term relationship.
