“Till Death Do Us Part” it comes with many hidden expectations. How easy it is to faint in the arms of “we”, gradually forgetting that you were once (and still are) an “I”, an “I”. You may not even notice that you are losing your sense of self in a relationship, especially if you are married. But living in a balance between “me” and “we” is essential to happiness when living as a couple.
Insert the word “self” before any other worthy word – awareness, value, confidence — and you may be fooled into thinking you are yourselfold.
The truth, however, is that these “self-ingredients” are fundamental to your ability to love…and be consciously, intentionally yourselfless.
And yet, they are often the first sacrifices on the chopping block when you decide to dedicate your life to another person.
Because this? Why do so many people pack their “selves” into long-term storage when they fall in love, and especially when they get married?
We professionals dedicated to healing couple wounds and misfortunes consciously treat the marriage or relationship as its own precious—and primary—entity.
And yet, we are never, ever advocating that you lose your sense of self in a relationship.
Relationships involve the constant tension of give and take in pursuit of self, other, and relationship fulfillment.
There is, of course, a “sweet spot” that falls somewhere near the middle of a “fine line” when it comes to surrendering the self for the sake of “us.”
Compromise and negotiation are necessary for any relationship to flourish. And, when couples use these skills in a context of love, respect, and goodwill, they open themselves to the expansive, empowering gifts of relationship.
But how easy it is to mistake a sacrifice of sacrifice or preference for a sacrifice of one’s very sense of self!
Unfortunately, losing your sense of self in a relationship is a loss not only for you, but for your partner and the relationship as a whole.
It’s like pushing your chair back from the table where you’ve both laid out your unique gifts. Gifts that in their unity make your relationship greater than the sum of its parts.
So what can you do if you find yourself so defined by “we” that you forget who you are?
Here are 8 things you need to do to reconnect and regain your sense of self in a relationship:
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Engage in rigorous self-care.
When your calendar becomes SRO, the easiest sacrifice is to take care of yourself. Diet goes out the window. Sleep drifts away. Hot yoga is replaced by mental gymnastics.
Making room for everyone and everything else not only drains your energy, but can lead to resentment over time.
Ironically, you will have more to give to others if you give intentionally and take care of yourself first.
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Establish and communicate healthy boundaries.
Boundaries are not walls. They are statements about where you end and where the other begins.
They protect you and others from this aggressive, violating, codependent encroachment on another’s feelings, desires, needs, and values.
By maintaining your individuality, responsibility is also more clearly defined.
I feel ‘it’ when you do ‘it’. I will own and work on my stuff, but I won’t own or work on yours.
I need “it” to feel safe/loved/appreciated.
I’m uncomfortable with ‘xyz’ – can we work together to find a way that works for both of us?
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Enjoy your differences.
Marriage (or any relationship) isn’t about finding a clone of yourself to work with. It is a reflective, mirroring, challenging, validating, empowering dance of difference that offers opportunities for personal growth and healing.
If you’re losing your sense of self in a relationship, you may be falling into a “sameness” mindset.
Remember Fred and Ginger: it takes upside down and upside down heels to make the dance beautiful.
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Embrace the declarative, defining power of “no.”
The ability to say “no” and really mean it takes a strong sense of self.
You have to know your “yes” to be able to say “no”.
It also takes a lot of trust in your partner to handle your no…and in yourself to handle your partner’s response to it.
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Do things with your friends and family… without your partner.
We all need time with our besties. Girls need girl time, guys need man time, bros need their “we are” time.
Marriage and relationships don’t come with stock on Velcro. The healthiest, most trusting relationships have a lot of breathing room between partners.
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Do things with you…just you…without your partner.
Nothing says, “healthy sense of self” like absent to spend time alone. It doesn’t even matter what you do, as long as you are value the experience of being with your own thoughts, ideas, curiosities and interests.
These are the moments of self-discovery, self-nurturing and self-validation. What matters is what you love. What you enjoy matters.
Oh! Yes! You material!
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Have hobbies that you love and make time for them.
There are only 24 hours in a day, and most of us admire packing them in as much as we do.
You might not have even noticed that you made your last macrame plant hanger 15 years ago. Or you haven’t made a new fishing lure (or even gone fishing) since the twins were born… five years ago.
It doesn’t matter if your hobby makes your partner’s eyes roll. What matters is that it shakes your world and makes you I feel like you.
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Encourage and support the same self-esteem practices in your partner.
Sometimes the easiest way to embrace the importance of maintaining a healthy sense of self in a relationship is to encourage it in your partner.Haven’t seen Mark in a while. Why don’t you get the baseball tickets and the kids and I go visit mom?
Hi, I just saw a sign for a huge estate sale at the old Maguire mansion this Saturday. I know you’d like to go, so why not do it one day?
Sense of self, like self-esteem is critical not only to your personal happiness and well-being, but also to your relationship satisfaction.
Losing your sense of self in a relationship is really the first step to losing the magic of your relationship as a whole.
So, if you’ve been needing a push in the direction of self-love, consider this your recipe for personal and relational health.
Mary Ellen Goggin offers relationship coaching for individuals and collaborates with her partner Dr. Jerry Duberstein to offer private accommodations to couples. To learn more about working with Mary Ellen, contact her here.
