Today, I will discuss a procedure for conflict resolution in relationships using a seven-step approach. Many couples seeking guidance express a critical need for help in handling conflict, resentment, and disagreements. It’s common for long-term relationships to experience conflict and disagreements, yet many of us lack the training to effectively resolve these challenges. Consequently, many couples engage in conflict, experience breakdowns in communication, and struggle to find closure. Often, these issues are swept under the rug, gradually building up into big problems that can strain the relationship.
What is conflict resolution in relationships?
Conflict resolution in relationships is a process for both partners to sift through their thoughts and feelings about the argument and communicate constructively about their experience and develop solutions that move forward.
Some of you may already be familiar with my Reunite Tool for conflict resolution, which is for dissatisfaction with recurring patterns or significant events in your relationship. Today, I’d like to introduce what I call the Mini Reunite Tool. This approach focuses on step four of the complainant’s steps in the Reunion Tool, and all five of the listener’s steps, and each partner takes turns. The Mini Reunite Tool is designed to address minor conflicts or disagreements between partners that may not necessarily involve deeper resentments.
7 Steps to Resolve Conflict in Relationships
Associate A describes his experience.
After you’ve both calmed down, one partner will begin by describing their complaint. You will describe your experience of the conflict, how it made you feel, and what basic need was tapped into. However, you can’t say “you” because it’s accusative, and you can’t say “always” or “never” because they’re generalizations. For example, “In conflict, my experience is when I came home last night after work, I was not greeted, it made me feel insignificant and affected my basic need to feel special.”
Partner B summarizes.
Now it’s time for partner B to summarize his partner’s experience. Providing a summary ensures that your partner has expressed themselves correctly and ensures that you have heard them correctly. Summarizing does not mean agreeing with your partner. It just sums up their experience. Whether you agree or not is irrelevant. Therefore, maintaining a neutral expression when summarizing is important. Rolling your eyes, sighing, or making disapproving sounds while summarizing is disrespectful, so don’t do it. Also, it is important to remember that your turn to share your experience will come once these initial steps are completed. For example, “Well, your experience was when you came home last night I didn’t greet you and that made you feel insignificant and that contributed to your basic need to feel special. Is that right?”
Partner B owns their share.
In this step, the listener takes responsibility for their contribution to the conflict. It is necessary to stop and reflect at this stage. Consider how your actions may have affected the situation. For example, did you raise your voice? Did you say something hurtful? Were you unconscious? What did you do that made the conflict worse? This is the part you can have. This is not about accepting responsibility for the entire conflict, as projections, previous stimuli, external circumstances and other factors can play a role, which is why I refer to it as the 50% rule. Instead, the focus should be on identifying the specific ways in which you made the situation worse or contributed negatively. The authenticity of this property is the basis for the next steps. So take your time on this step until you can honestly own something. Also, don’t add why you did it because then you’re being defensive. For example, “I’m mine for contributing to the argument by fiddling with my phone when you come home instead of greeting you.”
Partner B provides empathy for his part.
As a listener, your role now is to express empathy for the part you’ve taken and how it made your partner feel. This is where you will need to step into your partner’s shoes. You have to consider their life journey, their past hurts, their upbringing, their aspirations and the stressors they face. By truly understanding these factors that shape your partner’s identity, you will be better equipped to understand their perspective, as you will see the experience through their unique lens, not yours. This is the foundation for genuine empathy. Even if you personally do not share their emotional response or would not react similarly, you can offer empathy because you see the situation from their perspective. For example, “I can see how being preoccupied with my phone when you get home would make you feel insignificant.”
Partner B apologizes for his part.
Now the listener is apologizing for how the piece they own made their partner feel. This is similar to the previous empathy step but with a slight change in language. Remember, you are not apologizing for the entire argument. You are only apologizing for the part you own and how your partner felt. For example, “I’m sorry about how messing with my phone made you feel insignificant.”
Partner B makes amends on his part.
While you’re tinkering, think about how you can make adjustments with the part you own that would also work for you. This step is all about identifying actionable steps for yourself. Often, people make vague statements during this step, such as “I’ll try to be better” or “I’ll work harder next time.” However, such statements lack specificity. To truly make amends, make sure your plan of action is specific. For example, if you know that you didn’t pay enough attention to your partner when they came home, a specific modification could be “Moving forward, I’ll put my phone down when I hear the garage open and give you my undivided attention when you drive by.” door with a hug and a kiss. How would that be? What else would you appreciate?” By describing specific actions, you instill a sense of hope in your partner that you are truly committed to improvement.
Now that you’ve gathered your action items, it’s important not to let them slip out of your mind. So that you don’t forget, I recommend creating an “Affiliate Cheat Sheet” where you document these action items. Then, after each conflict resolution session using the Mini Reunite Tool, add it to the list and check it several days a week. This practice will keep the commitments you’ve made at the forefront of your mind, serving as a reminder to implement the changes you’re seeking in your relationship.
Switch roles and do all the steps again.
Now, the partners will alternate. The person who was originally the listener will now share their experience of the conflict, what they felt and their basic needs that were affected. The other partner will follow the same set of listener steps.
This technique is extremely effective and has the potential to revolutionize the way you handle conflict. Additionally, it facilitates listening, learning and closure – ending the practice of sweeping issues under the rug.
Complaint Step:
In the argument, my experience was ____, made me feel____, and tapped into my basic need for ____. (can’t say “you, always or never”)
Listener steps:
1-Summarize
ONE-Summarize their experience “So, your experience was____, made you feel____, and affected your basic need for____, is that right?”
SI- Apply the 50% rule by thinking about how you contributed to the argument and made it worse.
2-Property
“I take it that I contributed to the argument with ____” (leave a moment of silence to feel more genuine)
3-Empathy
“I can see how ____ would make you feel with ____” (leave a moment of silence to feel more genuine)
4-Sorry
“I’m sorry for how I ____ made you feel ____” (leave a moment of silence to feel more genuine)
5-Make amends
Think about changes you can make to advance the piece you own that would also work for you. “Moving on, how about I ____, what do you think? What else would you appreciate?”
Switch roles and do the steps again!
Further reading:
9 Steps to Conflict Resolution in Marriage for Grudges
Conflict in Marriage: Weeds vs. Needs
Get my FREE PDF on 4 Steps to Better Communication. Click here to get it!
How could the Mini Reunite Tool improve conflict resolution in your relationship?
