We all have our preferences in appointment people, right? Whether it’s in the realm of looks, personality or otherwise, most of us have some sort of box we’d like to tick when it comes to finding a partner or just someone to spend the night with.
In some cases, a potential partner may have seemed like the right fit before or during your date, but then you realized they just weren’t that into you. It happens. In fact, it happens a lot more these days thanks to the seemingly endless stream of modern dating apps.
But you see, when you’re not interested in someone, things get a little more difficult than, say, returning an item of clothing or putting it back at the checkout.
These are people we’re talking about. There are living, breathing people who have feelings just like you.
Letting them know you’re no longer interested in them is a touchy subject – one that some may decide to skip by simply “ghosts“their.
And ghosting might just seem like the easiest option. You can get away with not having to be accountable.
Plus, you wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings by telling them you’re not interested, right? This can make them feel bad about themselves and no one likes rejection. So, is ghosting the way to go?
“It’s important to reject people politely so they don’t take the rejection personally, because frankly, it’s not about them.” says the licensed counselor Bianca Walker.
Let’s talk about the best (and worst) ways to tell someone you’re no longer interested, as well as some other useful information on this sensitive topic.
Personally, above text, by phone or otherwise? Which communication method is the best way to reject someone? Well, that depends on the situation.
According to the sex and dating coach, Battle Myishabreaking it off with someone via text is actually okay if you’ve only been on a date or two with them and you’re both heavy texters.
However, if you’ve been dating someone for a longer period of time, a text is probably not the best idea. And sure, face-to-face conversations like this aren’t exactly a walk in the park. But sometimes, they are justified.
How to let someone know you’re not interested
Once you’ve decided on the communication method you’re going to use to break things off with someone, here are some tips on the best ways to let someone know you’re not interested.
1. Be considerate (of others) and don’t give harsh comments
“Both sides feel respected when we validate the other person’s vulnerability.” says psychotherapist Cheryl M. Bradshaw.
When having a difficult conversation like this, be careful with the words you use. Avoid words like rejection because it can really sting and possibly even be triggered by childhood issues or other situations in the past.
“It is important to be direct and direct—but very kind and compassionate,“, says the clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly.
2. No guilt
breaking up with someone is not easy. You may feel a sense of guilt around the idea because you really don’t want to hurt another person.
But by turning the breakup into something that isn’t about rejection but rather an observation that the two of you aren’t compatible, you can change the entire trajectory. After all, a relationship involves two people who are excited about each other.
Instead of “I reject you”, it’s more “We’re not a good match”. This can neutralize guilt and negativity.
3. Be honest
Honesty can be extremely difficult at times, especially when it involves hurting another person. But being honest shows a lot more respect than telling them things they might want to hear (which might just drive them away).
It’s hard, but letting a person know why you feel like things won’t work out is usually the best movesays Battle. “Most people will respect your honest assessment, and if they don’t, that’s an even bigger sign of incompatibility.”
Of course you don’t want to be brutally honest. Doing it gracefully with a soft landing is key.
For example, you don’t need to tell them that you don’t find them attractive or that you can’t stand their laughter. Instead, make it more about “I’m not really feeling a romantic connection“.
4. Your needs: talk about yourself, not them
Instead of allowing the conversation to veer in a way that leaves the person feeling bad about themselves, you can focus on yourself and yours needs of.
For example: “Although you are an amazing person, I am very clear about what I want in my life right now and I don’t think we would be a good match.”.
This shows maturity on your part and offers an opportunity for both of you to find what you are looking for without wasting each other’s time.
Furthermore, remember that you cannot speak for them. You are not responsible for how they feel or what they want – you only know how you feel and what you want.
So instead of using ‘we’ or ‘we’ statements, try to stick to ‘I’ statements.
5. Be specific but don’t over explain
When we say “be specific” we don’t mean tell them everything they are wrong with or how they are definitely not right for you.
Instead, offer some details about why you’re ending things so they have clarity. That way, they don’t have to run wild with their imaginations coming up with all the reasons why things ended.
“One of the challenges I hear all the time from my clients is the confusion they feel when someone isn’t clear about why they’re no longer interested.” says Caitlin Kidman. “When we don’t have specific information, we tend to fill in the blanks ourselves.”
At the same time, keep your message fairly simple overall. If you start over-explaining, it could lead to more confusion and negative feelings.
“Avoid over-explaining, rationalizing, or engaging in a discussion about how things could turn out.” says the Battle.
6. Timing is important
“Be thoughtful. Rejection of any kind is hard to perceive and take.” says the Battle. “Think about when it might be a good time to break the news, for them and for you.”
So, for example, if the person has something really important the next day, like a big presentation at work, wait until the next day.
At the same time, think about yourself. If you are not in a good headspace, take some time to relax and become more stable before starting the conversation.
Is it ever okay to fantasize about someone?
And finally, the issue of ghosting! In most cases, ghosting is simply not okay. It can leave a person feeling hurt, confused, misled and worried. It can also lead to worrying or obsessing about what went wrong or how they don’t deserve it.
The general rule of thumb here is to treat others as you would like to be treated. Respect, empathy, and clear communication are the best ways to let someone know you’re not interested.
But are there some situations where ghosting is okay? Yes.
Some degree of ghosting could be acceptable if:
- you feel emotional intellectualor physical security is at risk
- If someone has consistently disrespected, harmed or manipulated you
- You’ve already approached them about ending things, but they just won’t accept it
In summary, there are ways to let someone know you’re not interested in them while being respectful and compassionate. It doesn’t have to be a situation that leaves one or both partners feeling rejected.
Just remember that you are only responsible for your own feelings and experiences. But that doesn’t mean you have to be hard on someone you’re breaking up with.
The golden rule: treat others as you would like to be treated.
