I had a set of idyllic dreams of what our wedding would look like before I booked. For example, I envisioned that my husband and I would always end our days together. Maybe we’d have lunch at sunset, have dinner together, and then relax on the couch. However, my husband often works late, and by the time he gets home, the sunset is long gone and day has swallowed night. He is also often exhausted and hungry. All he needs at that moment is a hot bath and a meal.
Over time, I learned to deal with this and many other unfulfilled expectations. But this was not always the case. Earlier in my marriage, I would blow a gasket whenever I felt my husband wasn’t living up to my expectations. I would leave and suck, demanding that he act or behave in a certain way. Sometimes I was interested, giving in to the pressure, other times not. Eventually, we’d both get tangled up in a web of resentment.
Because we all marry fellow human beings with their share of flaws and foibles, it goes without saying that we must deal with unfulfilled expectations. Our spouses are far from perfect. They may do their best, but they are still incapable of meeting all our needs and responding to all our whims. You may feel like you are getting the short end of the stick as you come face to face with this reality.
Unmet expectations can fuel resentment and disappointment. This article will help you put things in perspective as you deal with unmet expectations in your marriage.
1. Be realistic
Let’s be honest? Sometimes, we expect too much from our spouses. For example, a husband may expect his wife to always be in the mood for intimacy, to maintain her body size even after becoming a mother, and to maintain a clean house at all times. A wife, on the other hand, can expect her knight in shining armor to always be there to listen to her ramblings, organize weekly date nights without fail, and spend all his free time with her.
And while you both need to do whatever it takes to love each other and meet each other’s needs, don’t forget that you are limited. It is certain that you will not live up to the other person’s expectations. In addition, men and women often have very different needs. What you may consider a priority in your marriage may seem like a non-issue to your spouse. They need to learn your needs and master your love language over time. As they do this, they may trip and stumble. You have to be patient with them and give them the benefit of the doubt.
2. Separate the wheat from the chaff
It is important to exercise sobriety when it comes to unfulfilled expectations. Not all unfulfilled expectations should be ignored. Some are indeed “deal breakers” and should not be swept under the rug. For example, we expect our spouses to be faithful to us. When this expectation is not fulfilled, and one spouse engages in adultery, the aggrieved spouse should not consider this as “unfulfilled expectations.”
Adultery is a harmful vice in a marriage that often requires therapy for the couple to find healing. But some other unmet expectations aren’t deal breakers. For example, if your husband annoys you because he doesn’t get it behind him, that’s something you can easily avoid because it doesn’t seriously threaten the health of your marriage.
Therefore, couples must separate the chaff from the wheat while dealing with unfulfilled expectations. If the issue at hand is primarily about personality differences and does not threaten the heart of the marriage, then the aggrieved spouse may choose to overlook it.
3. Accept your spouse’s weaknesses
“With all humility and meekness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love.” (Ephesians 4:2)
One reason your husband will not live up to all your expectations is that, like you, he has various weaknesses. Scripture tells us that we all stumble in many ways (James 3:2). None of us are perfect. Maybe your husband’s weakness is forgetting important appointments or being late. However, that doesn’t mean they’re a terrible person or that they don’t mean well. It just shows that they are human.
It helps to study your partner and note their weaknesses so you’re not too disappointed when they fall behind. As their partner, you could also help them deal with their weaknesses instead of judging and insulting them. Remember that forgiveness is a daily component of a healthy marriage – overcome obsessing over your spouse’s weaknesses and learn to tolerate them in love.
4. Maintain clear communication
I know the importance of clear communication firsthand because it has revolutionized my marriage. Earlier, I held grudges, waiting for my husband to read my mind and figure out what was making me grumpy. Your guess is as good as mine – he never had a clue about it. I quickly realized this tactic wasn’t working and threw it out the window. I learned to communicate my complaints clearly.
Clear communication will help you deal with unmet expectations. Maybe your husband has a good reason why he acted the way he did, but you’ll never know until you talk. Clear communication helps eliminate misunderstanding, increases marital satisfaction, and clarifies expectations. It also encourages respect and trust, which leads to greater emotional intimacy. Every time you choose to communicate with your spouse instead of sweeping issues under the rug, you breathe new life into your marriage.
5. Connect with other couples
“A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire, rages against all wise judgement.” (Proverbs 18:1).
“And let us consider how we may incite one another to love and good works, not forsaking the meeting, as some are wont to do, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching” . (Hebrews 10:24-25).
Regular contact with other couples helps you appreciate your spouse. As you interact with other couples, you’re likely to notice that they too have their disagreements and weaknesses. This helps you put your relationship into perspective and makes you feel better about your marriage. It helps you realize that you’re not the only one facing some bumps in the road in your pursuit of a great marriage. Many other couples are walking the same path.
In addition to that, connecting with other couples gives you new ideas and perspectives, reignites your passion, inspires fun in your marriage, keeps you accountable, and promotes a stronger marriage. Remember that as iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the face of his friend (Proverbs 27:17).
6. Don’t compare your spouse
Yes, you feel terrible dissatisfaction in your marriage as you deal with a flurry of unfulfilled expectations. But. Don’t go down the rabbit hole of comparing your spouse to others because it could be the last straw that breaks the camel’s back. Comparing your spouse will lead you down a path of no return as you elevate other people above your spouse. Even the good qualities that your husband has will soon burst before your eyes.
Instead, choose to tolerate their weaknesses, communicate clearly, and empathize with them. This will go a long way in handling unfulfilled expectations.
Related Resource: Listen to The Real Relationship Talk Podcast!
Dana Che is the founder of Thrive Relationships, where she serves as a marriage and relationship coach and host The Real Relationship Talk podcast. Dana’s mission is unique: to help people thrive in their relationships with the Lord and with each other. Listen to her episode on Overcoming Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage by clicking the play button below:
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