Hello friends,
Have you ever been in a season of marriage where nothing seems to be going your way
way?
Maybe you and your spouse are in constant conflict? Everything you do or say turns into an argument. Instead of your home being a safe place, you find yourself walking on eggshells every day because anything can turn into a fight.
If this sounds familiar, chances are other areas of your marriage are suffering as well. For example…
When was the last time you kissed or hugged your spouse or received a hug or kiss? When was the last time you had sex with your spouse? What is the tone in your marriage, loving or condescending?
Maybe you’re not in constant conflict, but you’ve lost your connection in other ways. With the demands of life when was the last time you went on a date with your spouse
or have you had a meaningful conversation with them? Screaming isn’t always what kills a marriage, silence or overwhelming schedules can be the problem.
Either way, if you enter these seasons, it’s important to work with yourself
husband to come out of them. If you remain passive during these periods, the enemy will use it to weaken your commitment. Once that happens, it’s easy to let go of your most important earthly relationship.
Today’s culture
In most cases, a marriage can be saved if both people decide to work on the relationship to fix whatever problems exist.
However, today’s culture tells us a different story. It tells us that if a marriage isn’t working out perfectly, the only reasonable thing to do is to give up and try again with
someone else.
It spreads the lie that if you’re going through a rough patch in your relationship, it means you married the wrong person and divorce is the only option.
There are times in marriage that can seem impossible to overcome, that goes for everyone. However, I encourage you that if you and your husband work together as a team, you can overcome this. You may have to do a lot of rebuilding in your marriage, but you are likely to be happy again.
Let’s look at ways you can rebuild your marriage and get out of a difficult time.
5 ways to rebuild a marriage
Reset
The first step in this rebuilding process will be to examine your marriage and decide what you need to restore.
- What doesn’t work?
- Are there things you and your spouse used to do that you have stopped doing?
- What brought life and laughter to your marriage? Are they still happening?
- Are there any you could prove you haven’t done before?
- What is something you can do on a regular basis to invest in your marriage?
These are just a few questions to get you started. The goal here is to sit down and figure out what needs to change to get your marriage into a healthy rhythm that will allow it to grow.
Remove
After you’ve looked at the areas that need restoration, now it’s time to figure out what you need to remove from your wedding.
You might be thinking, “Where do I start with this?”
Let’s start with two issues that are easy to let happen in a marriage.
Criticism and complaint
If criticism and complaining are normal in your marriage, they should be the first two things you remove. They will keep your marriage in a constant state of negativity and nothing will change or get better in a negative atmosphere.
Unrealistic or uncommunicated expectations
Another area that can be removed is unrealistic or uncommunicated expectations. These expectations will only lead to conflict because they can never be met, which leads to resentment and frustration.
Take inventory of your expectations, if they are unrealistic, remove them completely.
An example of an unrealistic expectation would be if you expect your spouse to fulfill every area of your life. A husband cannot meet every need, want and desire. This asks them to be god. They are not equipped to be successful so it is not realistic.
If your expectations are just unknown, sit down with your spouse and talk to them. Expectations are much more likely to be realized if you actually communicate them to the people who need to know them.
I can tell that Alex is much better at meeting my expectations if I tell him what they are. What I leave unsaid typically doesn’t happen.
Just like with the reset option, every marriage is different, so take an honest look at your relationship and decide together what needs to be completely removed in order for change to occur, and then do what you can to remove them.
Repair
After removing the negative things in your marriage, you will likely need to repair the damage these areas have caused.
The first things that will need to be repaired will probably be forgiveness and grace.
During difficult times grace is hard to maintain, especially if there is no forgiveness. However, a marriage without grace will not succeed. It won’t go the distance. If grace and forgiveness are not an active part of your relationship, many other unpleasant issues will arise such as resentment, bitterness and jealousy. No marriage is perfect and as much as we try we all make mistakes. Abundant grace is the only way you will be able to begin rebuilding your relationship.
It’s okay to get help!
Even after you have restored grace and forgiveness, there may be other areas in your marriage that need more repairs than you both can handle. In these cases, don’t be ashamed to get help. If it seems too difficult, ask a therapist or pastor to help you repair your marriage.
As every marriage is different, you will have to look at your unique situation and decide what needs to be fixed, but a good place to start is to identify any recurring conflict that keeps coming up in your marriage. By looking at the recurring problems, you can identify the areas that need to be repaired and then start the revitalization process.
Resurrect
The next step in this process is to start doing things that will revitalize your marriage. Once you’ve taken out what’s causing the problems and begun to repair the broken areas, it’s time to invest in your marriage in ways that will strengthen it.
Investing in your marriage should be something you do for the rest of your life. When it comes to a relationship, you can never be passive and expect a good outcome. While this may seem like a lot of work, try to find daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly ways to revive your marriage. This may seem like a lot, so let me break it down.
- Daily – say “I love you” every day.
- Weekly- speak their love language once a week. (See the Rediscovery section below for the link to discovering your and your spouse’s love language.)
- Monthly- go on a monthly date night.
- Annual- Choose a large investment such as a getaway, retreat, wedding conference, small group, etc.
As you can see once you break it down, it’s not overwhelming to revive your marriage and keep it healthy.
New discovery
The last step in this process is to start rediscovering your spouse. Whether you’ve been married for days or years. There is always something new to learn about them that you didn’t know.
Just last week, Alex and I were talking and discovered something we both had in common from our childhood. We have been together for 13 years but only now have we discovered this new detail.
There are many ways you can begin to rediscover your spouse.
Date nights and personality tests
The main way is to date and just ask questions. It’s amazing how far an open discussion can go. Just like Alex and I, you might discover something new just by sitting back and letting a conversation go wherever it may.
Other ways is to learn something new is to take a personality test. You can find out how the Lord has informed you and your spouse by taking some tests such as the Myers Briggs, the Enneagram, and the Temperament test. We have taken all of this and learned so much about each other.
One of the best ways to rediscover something new about your spouse is to learn about his Language of love. Not only will you learn how your spouse gives and receives love, but this will give you ways to love your spouse well that will help revive your marriage.
Your marriage may go the distance
This rebuilding project will take some time, but it is worth all the work and time it will take. By going through these steps your wedding can be anything you want it to be. You will both need to do your part, but don’t give up. You and your marriage are worth it!
One last thing, communication is critical to this process, check out our blog, “Constructive Ways to Communicate,” for ways to communicate in a way that will build your marriage.
