How to communicate with your partner about your needs
Many clients ask me all the time how to say things and how to put into words what they are feeling without hurting their partner or sounding like they are complaining. So using the situation above, here are some examples:
Wife/mother to her husband: “I appreciate how hard you work every day. You are so dedicated and it is such a gift to be home with our children. I love being a mom and feel like I need a break to be my best. I miss spending time with my friends. Would it do me any good to go skiing this weekend?’
Sound too elaborate? Here is an approach and straight to the point!
Short version: “I’d like to go skiing with friends this weekend. Which day would be better: Saturday or Sunday?
Man/husband to his wife: “This may sound silly, but I feel undervalued. Occasionally, it would mean a lot to me if you could appreciate how hard I work. Besides, you and the kids are what make it all worth it!”
Short version: “I love you so much! And I need to know that you appreciate how hard I work.”
Of course, we love it when our partner can anticipate our needs and tune in to what we’re feeling, but part of taking responsibility for a healthy and happy relationship is clear communication, especially about needs.
Related reading: “If you want a successful marriage, increase your self-control!”
Take some time to think before you speak so you can choose your words carefully rather than blurting things out with anger or frustration.
Avoid using absolutes like “always” or “never” because B&W statements often create defensiveness. No one always does something And rarely a partner never do what you are asked. When we use this type of verbal expression, it usually causes a person to dig in their heels and reject your entire request or message. They cling to inaccuracy (however true it may seem), so they defend their position, which stifles productive discussion.
Try replacing absolutes like “always” with “often” or “often.” Or replace “all” with “many” or change “every time” to specific examples of what you’re referring to. For example, instead of “You never say goodbye before you leave for work,” say “Last week, you left without saying goodbye several times. Please kiss me goodbye. means a lot to me.”
Or instead of “You always tune me in.” Or “You never listen to me!” say, “It seems like it’s been a long time since we talked. I miss our conversations.” or “I don’t feel like I’m listening to you, especially since you started working longer hours. When can we sit down and have a meaningful conversation?’
Another way to encourage more engagement and receptivity is to ask a question: “You know it’s been a whole month since we spent quality time together without the kids?” And when our partner can be sensitive about an issue, use empathy. For example, “I know you work long hours and while I understand why you wouldn’t want to help around the house, I miss your support and feel overwhelmed.”
Effective communication takes time and effort, so being patient with each other is essential. Don’t rush the process. give your partner the time they need to express themselves without interruption. We often judge what or how our partner speaks or what he “should” or “shouldn’t” have done. Release the crisis. Listen not only to their words but also beneath their words.
Seek to understand and you will feel more patient and create more closeness and connection with each other!
Life can be busy, even hectic, so sometimes couples don’t make enough time for each other or take care of their relationship. Our primary mode becomes logistical or practical, like, “I have to work late, you can take the kids to soccer practice.”
However, to strengthen loving communication in your relationship, make sure you both set aside time each day to sit down and talk about what’s going on in life. This regular engagement will help ensure you are both on the same page.
Dedicated time allows you to share concerns or frustrations without interruptions or distractions. And, on top of that, go on a date night or plan a fun weekend getaway together. Spending quality time together is one of the best ways to nurture a relationship and get that “honeymoon feeling” back.
Whether we want to admit it or not: love is a choice. Work consciously and consciously to make your relationship the best it can be. And one way to do this is to nurture our marriages through effective communication practices, such as making time for each other, listening without judgment, choosing our words carefully, and staying calm when disagreements arise.
When we practice these tips intentionally, we create an environment where love can grow and flourish! So the next time you struggle to communicate effectively with your partner, remember—love conquers all! There are ways to nurture your relationship through loving communication.
For relationship support or skills for a healthy and happy marriage, contact support@heartmanity.com. And for more tips, sign up for the HeartMail newsletter.