It was straight out of a fairy tale.
Flowers. Fantastic dinners. Proclamations about how special our connection was.
I was on cloud nine. Sold. I’m in. All in.
Until the messages were less frequent. Then the effort to make plans began to wane.
I found myself crawling out of my skin, waiting with baited breath for him to return my texts, to see me, to show me he still cared. I started replaying our interactions if I did something wrong.
Maybe I showed too much interest? Maybe I sent too many messages? Was it my outfit from the last date? It must be me.
After two weeks of feeling completely restless, I decided it had to end and that I had missed my chance with Mr. Perfect. It was time to move on. I stopped texting or trying to chat.
And just as I started to pull away, guess who came back in full swing?
It was like no time had passed. He turned around, dying to see me. He flooded me with sweet messages about how happy I made him, how much he missed me.
I was on cloud nine once again.
Until this hot/cold cycle was repeated 7 more times. Now I recognize it – I was in love.
What is love bombing?
Love bombing is the use of excessive affection, grand gestures, and promises of the future as a manipulative tactic. But just when you feel away from all the love and attention, a period of withdrawal, avoidance or abuse follows. Then you’re left wondering what you did wrong or obsessing over getting that old feeling back.
Love bombing is used by narcissists, who feed off your validation. Once they get their fix – attention, sex, affection, resources – whatever it is they’re hungry for, they become cold, distant, or even vicious.
Signs that you are being bombarded with love
1. The intention is not to connect authentically, it is to get something from you.
Love bombers use their romantic targets to give them their validation and attention and gain power over them. The difference between healthy romantic displays and love bombing is that the latter is used as a manipulative tactic. The intention is to exercise and maintain control and authority over yourself.
2. It’s not love at first sight. it is view at first glance.
On first dates, it’s impossible for someone to get to know you well enough. The whole point of dating is to build trust and connection over time and experience. There is no shortcut to this. Someone who barely knows you and makes statements about how you are the one or makes big promises about your future together is a red flag.
3. They are hot and cold.
They come in force, often with grand gestures like lavish gifts, fancy dinners and romantic words. But then they get cold, the daily communication decreases and sometimes they disappear completely. Then, just when you’re about to give up, they come back strong to pull you back into the cycle of tension.
4. They treat you like a “Conquest”.
I talk about the concept of “conquering” in my book, Breakup Bootcamp. I came up with this theory to describe when someone has a plan in their head, maybe it’s to get a trophy partner or they really want to get married by age X. They meet you and if you check enough boxes, they hook you into their plan. You become a means to an end. Along the way, they dehumanize you because you are an object they plug into their master plan. It’s not about connecting, getting to know you as a person – flaws and imperfections included.
How to Stop Love Bombing
1. Use boundaries to stop love bombing.
If you’re starting a relationship and you notice they’re coming on too strong with the romantic projections, don’t just react to the pace they’re setting. Have a conversation to let them know you want to slow things down and get to know each other over time. If the person is invested in creating a healthy connection – they won’t try to rush or pressure you into it.
2. Don’t make them the center of the world (and your program) before trust is built.
Don’t cancel your friends. Don’t change your schedule to see them. If you don’t have a schedule where you do things that make you feel connected and grounded – you’ll be more prone to fill in the gaps with your new love interest. Instead of seeing someone at a healthy rate, you start seeing them 5 times a week. Before you know it, you’re exhausted with everything to do with your loved one.
3. Don’t delegate your validation to this person (or any romantic partner for that matter).
Yes, it’s amazing when someone looks at you and makes you feel special, especially if they make it seem like they choose you from all other options. The hunger to feel special and gain a sense of self-worth is candy to a narcissist.
