Marriage compatibility may not be as important as we think. Everyone always wonders, “Are we compatible?” or thinking about breaking up because they think they’re just not right for each other. Sure, having things in common with your partner helps you get along, but on average, Marriage compatibility is not a game changer everyone thinks they are. In this article, I will explain why.
What is marriage compatibility?
Marriage compatibility refers to how compatible a couple feels when it comes to their values, likes, dislikes, and temperament. Not feeling compatible is a common reason for couples to end their relationship.
Five Reasons Why Marriage Compatibility Doesn’t Matter
1-It is normal to notice differences over time.
Even if you think you’re on the same page at first, as time goes on, you will begin to notice where you do not see eye to eye. It’s normal in the early days to see only the things you share, like loving mangoes or enjoying afternoon naps. You get excited about these little things and think, “Wow, we should be!” But the more are you together, the more you will naturally begin to focus on the differences. So don’t worry too much about how compatible you are because over time, your mind tends to reset what you don’t have in common.
2-How you deal with areas of incompatibility is most important.
It’s not about how compatible you are. it’s about how you deal with areas of incompatibility. So how do you handle it in your marriage? Most of the time, we get frustrated, judge our partner and end up rejecting their preferences. We tend to fixate on how inconsistent we are, and that’s where the problem starts. Instead, we need to learn how to deal with these differences in a positive, pro-social, pro-marriage way. The key is not the level of compatibility, but how to navigate the incompatibilities.
3- Learn to respect and embrace the differences you have with your partner.
Have you accepted that your partner is wired differently than you? They have their own unique experiences, different genes, and many reasons why they are not a copy of you. They see the world in a different light, they operate in their own way and that is not going to change. It’s tempting to try to mold them into a mini version of yourself. You might think, “Life would be a lot smoother if they were a little more outgoing or organized like I am.” and then you try to reshape them. However, this is not going to work. They can’t change you and you can’t change them. So instead, learn how to navigate these differences respectfully and find ways to work together despite your different perspectives.
4- Learn to compromise in areas where you are incompatible.
Now that you’re not trying to change your partner, you need to learn how to compromise between your preferences and theirs. Marital problems usually occur when one partner imposes his preferences on his partner. It could be about how to spice things up in the bedroom, how to handle emotions, how to organize the home, how to parent children, or how to manage money. The key is to learn how to compromise in all the important areas of your relationship where you have differences. A successful compromise means that neither of you will get exactly what you want, but some of what you both want will be included in the solution.
5- Remember that your differences are really good!
These differences that can sometimes give you a headache or drive you crazy are actually a good thing. You and your partner are stronger together than apart because you each bring a unique vantage point and skill set to the relationship.
At the beginning of my marriage, like most love stories, I was blind to the differences. All I could see was how we were soulmates with high marriage compatibility. But as time went on, I started noticing all the ways we weren’t the same and it was creating tension. Most of it came from both of us not respecting our differences and trying to mold each other into our own molds. Of course, that didn’t work. So when I got off the “wife swapping” train and once I accepted how she was wired, things started to turn around. The same goes for her – accepting my quirks has made a world of difference difference. Things really hit the sweet spot when we started admitting, “Hey, this is how you’re wired, and this is how I’m wired, let’s meet in the middle.” For example, I’m the extrovert, always panting away. But my wife is The quiet introvert, who needs her downtime. Talk about a contrast! But instead of turning it into a battleground, we’ve learned to find a middle ground by scheduling quality time each day to talk. This way I am not constantly disturbing her solitude throughout the day and she provides me with undivided attention and conversation during our quality time. That’s the secret sauce right there.
Here’s another example – I’m a bit of a neat freak. I thrive on everything being organized, nothing on the floor, a place for everything and everything in its place. My wife, on the other hand, is less conscientious and tends to leave piles around the house. Yep, you guessed it – a recipe for tension. But over the years we’ve figured out how to get to that middle ground. It’s not just my way with constant organization, and it’s not just her way with constant clutter. We had to do a lot of give and take and compromise. She’s learned to be neater and help more with the housework and I’ve learned to be okay with some mess and disorganization.
A third example is parenting. I’m all about justice, setting boundaries and letting the natural consequences do it speaking. On the other hand, my wife is the soft one, giving grace without limits. That’s her natural inclination, and I’m not I change her, and she doesn’t change me. However, wwhenever it’s hers or all my way, our parenting is compromised because children need both boundaries and love, not one or the other. We had to work very hard to go behind closed doors, negotiate a compromise on a parenting decision, and then present a united front to our children. This approach creates a sense of teamwork as a couple and is best for our children’s development as well.
So there you have it – five reasons why marriage compatibility isn’t the be all and end all. First, it’s normal to notice differences over time. Second, how do you deal with areas of iincompatibility is most important. Three, hug and respect differences are critical. Four, the key is to master the art of compromise. And five, you are stronger together than either of you alone.
Further reading:
5 steps to accept your partner
Get my FREE PDF on 4 Steps to Better Communication. Click here to get it!
What are some areas of marital incompatibility that could strengthen you as a couple if you learned how to compromise in these areas?
