Dr. Kim tells us from his 40+ years of experience as a marriage counselor that most couples have never they had a real conversation about their sex lives. They’ve probably argued about it, but it’s rare that they’ve actually talked about it in a productive way.
In this situation, spouses are frustrated because communication about sex has not gone well in the past. It ended with one or both spouses feeling misunderstood or hurt. The debate may actually have created more problems than solved existing ones. And obviously, those things won’t help solve the issues you were trying to solve.
Now you are hesitant to bring it up even though you really wish you could talk and share it openly with your husband. It is your closest relationship, after all. When God created marriage, his idea of it was a closeness where “two become one” and both spouses can be “naked and unashamed,” not just sexually, but feeling safe enough to be vulnerable between them. (Genesis 2:24-25).
A great way to spark conversation is to ask your spouse 5 questions, which I’ll share with you here. But first, we need to understand what might be contributing to the communication breakdown in order to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
An indicator light on the dashboard
When problems arise in the bedroom, there are several factors that could play a role. Therefore, in a way, the sexual relationship can be considered as an indicator of the health of the marriage. If your confidence suffers, your sex life suffers. If your marriage is lacking in the vulnerability department, the sexual relationship will suffer. Emotion safe and comfortable All in all, good communication and complete trust in each other are essential for a marriage to thrive – and for great sex.
This may look like a lot speaking up when you thought you would just target the sexual problems you had. But don’t despair!
The good news is that this also means taking steps to repair and improve your connection and communication, as well as building trust and vulnerability with each other, will pay off by bringing you closer to not just the marriage relationship you hope for. , but also to the satisfying sexual intimacy you crave.
As you get past the circle of two they fight about sex the avoiding the issue overall, your connection will improve. The underlying issues that you have avoided or caused pain in the past can begin to be addressed. It will take some work, but it will also help grow your marriage in more ways than you expected.
Breaking the cycle of conflict before it begins
To change the conversation, you will need to take a new approach. Instead of bringing up topics that bother you to your spouse, come to the conversation with curiosity. Think of yourself as your husband’s disciple. See what’s on their mind and prepare to listen well and listen to understand, even if their perspective is different from yours.
You’ll gain useful information this way, and in addition, just a positive and productive conversation going well will help to relieve your marriage of the tension that has been associated with sex. You’ll no longer feel like you’re drowning in eggshells by bringing up the topic once you know you can talk about it without getting into a fight. You’ll gain confidence knowing you’re on the same team and can face it together.
Positive communication will also help you build the trust and connection between you, which are essential for good sex. Then you can work together – again, teamwork! – improve the areas in which you both want to grow.
Some more basic tips for this:
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Make time for this conversation when you know the two of you won’t be distracted or interrupted.
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Don’t open up the conversation to your spouse when he doesn’t know.
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Don’t mention it during lovemaking!
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Remember not to get defensive, even if they don’t see things the same way you do.
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If the conversation gets tense, remind each other that your goal is to make things better together, not to be “right.”
Now for the questions!
When you ask your husband these questions, listen carefully to his answers. Resist any temptation to get defensive. Their perspective is how they see it. You might see things differently – in fact, you almost certainly will! Our gender differences naturally give us a unique lens on sex, but other factors like personality, background and preferences will also come into play.
The season of your life also matters. A husband who was very free with sex last season may feel differently now. Circumstances such as having children or other family members at home, different levels of stress or physical changes that have occurred can change the way we approach sex. The relationship tension between spouses will come into play. Hormonal changes affect both men and women and can bring about changes that affect your sex life.
There are solutions to these problems. But your goal here is to start the conversation and find out what you can about your husband’s point of view in these 5 questions.
5 Questions to Ask Your Husband About Sex
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On a scale of 1 to 5, how comfortable are you completely naked with me? Why;
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On a scale of 1 to 5, how comfortable are you talking about sex with me? Why;
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On a scale of 1 to 5, how comfortable are you expressing yourself in the bedroom? (Do you feel free during sex and free to enjoy an orgasm as you want to express it?) Why did you give this rating?
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On a scale of 1 to 5, how comfortable are you telling me what you want in the bedroom?
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Do you ever feel rejected by me when it comes to sex? If so, what is happening to make you feel rejected?
Don’t try to change or fix their perspective. Instead, ask: How can we work together to grow on this? And what can I do to help?
It’s so common for couples to hang up on past hurt feelings and tiptoe around the subject, but once you successfully start the sexual conversation, you’ll feel empowered as a couple to be able to navigate the tougher stuff. together, plus you’ll start to see the benefits in the bedroom!
We believe God has a beautiful plan for sex in your marriage! Not just for pleasure and enjoyment, but to bind you closer and strengthen and grow your marriage.
