If you’re stuck in a cycle of conflict with your spouse, resentful of a recurring issue between you, or the two of you continue to have issues with a friend or family member, then it’s a good idea to consider some boundaries. marriage together.
When you decide to have this conversation with your spouse, you want the conversation to be productive and help you move your marriage forward, not leave either of you disappointed or hurt. Here are 5 key tips to help you approach it well together
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Don’t talk when you’re angry.
Heightened emotions do not help solve problems. Limits should not be reactive or punitive. If you communicate about them when you’re hot, you’re more likely to say things you don’t mean and can’t take back. This does not help solve the problem and is likely to create a new one. Ask God for self-control and humility and wait until you are calm to deal with the matter.
2. Don’t bring up the conversation with your spouse.
Let your husband know that you would like to talk to him about something that is important to you. Agree in advance on a time and place where you can both focus, without distractions.
3. Don’t complaint or lecture. I am doing use the ‘encouragement sandwich’.
Be sure to let them know that this is not the end of the world and that things are generally good, but there is something you would like to see changed. Affirm something good in your spouse’s relationship or marriage, or something you do well together. Next, let your spouse know the specific area where you struggle and would like to make a change.
For example, “I love the way we’ve been spending quality time together lately and I’m enjoying this time with you. But I also feel like I need some alone time every week. I think this will help me be at my best. When can we do this?’
Or, “I really enjoy our family dinners at your parents’ house, but going every Sunday is starting to feel heavy. I would like to have a free Sunday night at home with you sometimes. Are you willing to talk to them about us coming less often?’
4. Use the language of the group.
This is not a “here’s what to do” statement. It’s not about a right or wrong way. It’s a partnership and the two of you have to work as a team. The way to win this in your marriage is to invite your husband to work together on the problem. Invite their feedback.
Ask if they have questions for you or if they have ideas about how you can do this. Don’t get defensive if they have questions or even push back, rather help them process where you’re coming from. Stay on topic. If either of you gets hot, agree to take a time out, then come back together after you’ve both had a chance to cool down.
We’re talking about how to use team language here.
5. If the conversation is not well received, you can still decide how to respond.
Limits require some trial and error. Most couples aren’t going to make it on the first try. So if it doesn’t go well, that’s okay. Is normal! Take a breath, be patient and remember that anything new takes practice. Use this conversation as a stepping stone.
If your spouse does not agree with what you are asking, remember that you cannot control your spouse. And I bet that’s not what you really want for your wedding. But you have to be able to face things and work on them together.
If your husband does not understand where you are coming from with this, it is a good idea to seek help from a Christian marriage counselor. A third party who cares about the health of your marriage can look at things objectively and help you work it out together.
A final word of encouragement:
Finally, if things are really tough right now and you feel stuck, like nothing is working, keep in mind that things won’t get better without making some intentional changes. Simply communicating with positive intent can help this begin to happen. Talk as a team (“we” not “I”) and then work as a team to grow together. Commit to a change you will make together and see how it affects your marriage.
We pray that you find more peace moving forward as you implement these steps and healthy boundaries.
