With the recent death of my wonderful friend Chris Taylor’s husband, I found myself seeking a different kind of sexual intimacy with my husband. Not so much for passion or pleasure but rather for comfort and connection. With that in mind, I wanted to revisit this post about how sex can bring real comfort to a healthy, holy marriage.
My last few weeks have been a bit crazy, with a family member dealing with a serious health scare. My schedule was thrown into disarray, my body was exhausted, and my heart ached. (Things are better now, thanks for asking.) When I had time to myself, it was a toss-up whether I should write, do housework, spend time with family, or de-stress with R&R (rest and relaxation).
But I had a strange desire for sex with my husband.
No, it’s not strange for me to desire sex with my husband. But the desire itself was a little different from my usual motivations. I wanted to become consoled by sex—wrapped in his arms, folded in his heart, joined to his flesh. I realized that sexual intimacy would ease my grief.
Which reminded me of a verse about sex that I always thought was rather odd before:
“Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and made love to her.” 2 Samuel 12:24a
Bathsheba was mourning the death of her newborn child, a terrible experience for anyone who has experienced it. I just can’t imagine the excruciating pain she was going through. In view of this judgment, we might expect a scripture like: “Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba. he heard her talk through her pain all night” or “Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba. he held her close and let her cry in his arms.”
But that’s not what the Bible says. Probably the verse is “Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and made love to her.” The second half of the verse says that she conceived a second son, Solomon. But was knowing she was pregnant a source of comfort? It doesn’t seem that way. It seems that the sexual encounter itself played a role in comforting Bathsheba in her deep grief.
And that’s what making love to my husband felt like for me during those times. Like a balm to my wound, Banda to my heart. Why;
I have few ideas why sex can be comforting in a crisis or sadness.
Sex releases physical tension.
When you’re stressed or sad, your body tenses up in ways you may not even fully recognize. Focusing on physical pleasure and experiencing orgasm releases that tension — even if it only lasts for a while. We release certain brain chemicals during sex, including oxytocin and serotonin, which result in feelings of peace and well-being. In the midst of an emotional whirlwind, sex can have a calming effect.
Sex is reassuring.
Sex can reassure you of your spouse’s love. It can be a reminder that, whatever the storms in the rest of your life, your spouse’s love is a sure anchor. In the story of David and Bathsheba, she was not his only wife, and after the death of their child, he could have discarded her, kept her aside, never having to look at the mother of his lost son again. But David reassured her of his love by going inside her and making love to her. Likewise, intimacy with your spouse can reassure you of his presence and stability in your life.
Sex metaphors.
Some issues in life seem so big or so urgent that we can’t escape the stress they bring. But honestly, when I’m in the middle of making love with my husband, and especially when I’m climaxing, I don’t think about anything but that moment. I’m taking a break from my worry – a mini-vacation for my restless mind. Sex can take you away from the worry and pain caused by crisis or sadness and into a place of pleasure and joy.
Sex reconnects.
Many times when life is pulling you so hard, you don’t get the time you want with your spouse. You’re pulling in too many directions, facing too many demands, dodging too many bullets. Finding time for a “date night” at my house the past few weeks hasn’t been easy, but we’ve been able to have a fifteen minute love session. And that reconnects me with my husband. It reminds us of our overall intimacy and desire to be with each other. Sex is called the “glue of marriage” and in this case, I agree that it has that sticky quality.
Sex can be comforting in times of crisis or sadness.
Of course, sex may not always be what you need. When one of my best friends passed away a few years ago, I spent several nights just wanting to be held while I cried like a baby. And that’s exactly what my husband did for me.
But there are times when sex can relieve, heal and reassure.
See also Genesis 24:67: “Isaac brought her into Sarah his mother’s tent and married Rebekah. So she became his wife and he loved her. and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.”
This post was first published in November 2013.
Reminder: If you are willing and able to financially assist Chris Taylor as she deals with funeral expenses and life transition, please go to this GoFundMe page, created by the Wedding Bloggers Association. Any amount helps. Thanks.
