How can we ensure that we have a positive experience when dating? That we feel optimistic about the process and willing to continue our search for love, instead of feeling depressed, down and ready to give up? Asking yourself a few simple questions – a handy pre-date checklist – can help. These questions are designed to support you in creating a virtuous cycle in your dating so that you remain optimistic and enthusiastic, as opposed to being in a painful vicious cycle that leads you to stop dating. Ready to start?
Here’s a checklist of four pre-appointment questions to work through before your next appointment.
Have you built a sound foundation?
For me, this is the most important question of all. If we have a healthy foundation of self-love, self-care, self-esteem and self-worth, and if we have a reasonable understanding of our relationship fears and patterns – the things that make us behave the way we do in romantic situations – then it can create a virtuous cycle.
We can enjoy dating and remain optimistic about our romantic future, even if we don’t want to see the person again. We can escape the thought of a date, “It was a positive experience. I felt good about myself. I took care of myself. I expressed my needs and wants. I had an interesting conversation. I can make that appointment.”
Alternatively, if we date with low self-esteem and unresolved trauma that leads us to remain silent about our needs and wants, or to give too much of ourselves because we crave love and affection, we will have a negative experience.
We will make bad choices. We will get hurt. We will be heartbroken. Our self-esteem will shrink. And we will be disappointed with the dates. This is a vicious cycle that must be avoided at all costs if we are to find healthy love.
What foundations do you need to build to create a virtuous circle?
Are you clear on your dating boundaries?
Before going on a date, it’s important to take some time to clarify our wants and needs for the date. How long do we want the meeting to last? Where do we want to be? Do we want to drink alcohol on the date and how much alcohol? How much we want to share about ourselves (remember, when we overshare or get into deep conversations with someone we’ve just met, it creates a false sense of intimacy and tension). Do we know what time we want to leave and how we will get home?
Boundaries provide us with a sense of security and are especially important in romantic encounters because many of us lose ourselves when we are in the presence of someone we find attractive. Boundaries can be flexible – they don’t have to be hard and fast rules – but they give us some guidelines to follow.
When we don’t follow our instructions, we can ask ourselves what was going on: did we stay out later than planned because we were feeling safe and having a good time, or because we were pleasurable or longing for connection? The more we respect our own boundaries, the easier it is to set and maintain boundaries with others.
What boundaries would you like to set for your next date?
Do you feel in a good place physically and emotionally?
I know from my own experience that it is easy to date when we are not in the best physical or emotional state. We want to meet a partner and it took effort to arrange this date. We don’t want to back out now, let the person down, or miss what could be a golden opportunity to find love.
However, our bodies send us signs and signals that we need to rest or take care of ourselves in another way. Maybe we feel exhausted or sick, angry or sad, or vulnerable and emotionally shaken. What advice would you give your best friend if they were to date in this situation?
When we’re not feeling our best, physically or emotionally, it’s hard to take care of ourselves in romantic relationships.
How can you plan ahead so you’re in a good place to date – rested and as emotionally stable as possible? And how can you get the support you might need to postpone a date if that’s God’s will for you (see next question!)?
Has someone got your back?
In the big picture, God has our back, but many of us need practical, readily available support when dating. We need friends or professionals on hand to check in with and share our boundaries with. I definitely did because I had a habit of overstepping my bounds and giving up on myself when I was in close proximity to someone I liked.
If we have support – for example, a friend on the end of the phone, someone who understands us, a friend who is responsible or a friend for a date – we are more likely to act in our best interest.
Who can you enlist to support you when you’re dating?
Ask these four questions, answer them honestly, and put in what you need to create a virtuous cycle so that dating is fun instead of intense, uplifting instead of depressing, and happy instead of painful. This, I believe, is the path to finding healthy love.
What’s on the pre-appointment checklist?
Did you enjoy reading The Pre-Date Checklist: 4 Simple Questions to Help You Enjoy Your Date and Do It Well? Find tons more dating and relationship advice on our blog.
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