First dates are great opportunities to meet potential partners. They can also be filled with traps. We can be nervous, excited or so eager for things to go well that we overlook the clear warning signs. So what first date red flags should we look out for?
I’ve identified four first date red flags to look out for, but before I share them, it’s important to say that knowing the warning signs is only half the battle. The other half is willing to notice them, rather than ignore them or drive right by them.
I can think of many instances where I spotted a red flag but ignored it or excused it with a seemingly reasonable explanation. Why; Because I really wanted the date or the relationship to work, above all and at any cost. I was dating a deep longing for love, affection and connection. I had left my powers of discernment at home. I was racing towards a relationship at breakneck speed, ignoring all STOP signs.
Obviously, that didn’t turn out well.
So before you date, ask yourself how deep is your longing for love? Are your powers of discernment intact or deafened by your despair? Are you able to make a healthy choice or, if your date chooses you, will you just go with it, regardless of the tap on the shoulder, the gut feeling, or the whisper from God advising you to be careful?
Now, on to the red flags:
Your date doesn’t respect you
Disrespect can manifest itself in many ways. From canceling at the last minute, showing up late, disrupting the date (by checking their phone or scanning the room), to being rude to restaurant staff or to an ex-partner, be alert to signs that the date you are not valuing yourself or others. Respect is vital to healthy relationships, and if it’s not there on the first date, when we’re trying our best, it probably won’t be there for three months.
If you really feel like you’re being disrespected, but you’re not sure if it’s an orange or a red flag, you can always give the other person a chance. You can state your limits. You can ask them to be more respectful or call them out on their language and see how they respond. This way you will find out if it was a misunderstanding or if your date is being disrespectful.
Your date love bombs you
If your date is immediately showering you with compliments and showering you with attention and affection, be careful. It can be flattering to enjoy the pervasive feelings of a love bomber, especially if you haven’t dated someone for a long time and long to connect, but too soon an unhealthy partner can mean the start of a hurtful pattern. Love bombers often give it their all at first, only to pull back or try to manipulate their partner further down the line. As above, set your limits. Ask your date to slow things down and see how they respond.
Your date goes over or oversteps your boundaries
Following the above, pay attention to people who do not respect your boundaries. Boundaries or boundaries are key to healthy relationships. If you tell your date that you’ve had enough to drink, or that you want to be home by eight, or that you’d rather not hold hands, watch how they respond. Ideally, your date won’t push your boundaries or try to change your mind. A word of warning: we’re human, not robots, and your date may well want to spend more time with you or have another drink together. The key is whether they can take ‘No’ for an answer or whether they keep pushing.
Overshares of your date
When we share our deepest thoughts and feelings with a stranger, for example, about old pain, trauma or depression, we form an intense bond. On a first date, this can feel good. It can feel like chemistry. We feel close to each other. But this tension is not real because we don’t know each other. And the chemistry can be unhealthy because it’s often based on two wounded people trying to find a cure.
Notice if your date is oversharing or inviting you into deeper conversations than you want. Once again, set your boundaries. Suggest saving the heated conversations for later. Let’s hope they agree. If not, take that as a red flag.
Remember, we pay attention to potential red flags in other people’s behavior, but dating is a two-way street and we teach people how to treat us. When we spot a red flag, we have the choice to ignore it and dive right in, walk away to protect ourselves, or, if we’re not sure if the flag is red or orange, seek clarification through healthy communication and setting boundaries.
If we’re not sure what’s going on, we can ask the date for some time or we can leave. Then we can explore what our intuitive voice is telling us, check things out with a trusted person and take our doubts and worries to God.
What is your first date?
Did you find reading First Date Red Flags: 4 Signs to Look Out for helpful? Don’t forget to check out “First Date Green Flags: 5 Signs Your First Date Is Worth a Second Date” too!
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