Expectations are a funny thing. I expected a lot of things to happen at the wedding, but I never i fully expected to fight with my brand new husband over where to place the sofa.
How I wish I knew the 4 rules back then!
When we were engaged, I always thought Brian’s house, which he shared with three roommates, would look so much better with my decor. In his bachelor bedroom, he had nothing but a desk and a bed covered with a white quilt (no cover) and white walls on which not a single picture hung. It was beyond minimalist. This was clearly a man with zero interest in shaping his environment.
I knew then that I would take the decorating reins when we set up our newlywed apartment.
I had a more boho-chic sensibility. I was at the mercy of painting my rented room the most relaxing shade of spa-like green. I had hung pictures and curtains and placed lamps to cast just the right amount of warm lighting. I enjoyed carefully curating the space to reflect my aesthetic.
We were so excited to create a cozy and inviting space together in our tiny honeymoon apartment. We assembled the sparse array of furniture we each had. As we started setting up the living room, I was shocked – shocked! – to learn that Brian not only had an opinion on where to place the furniture, but a strong opinion. Suddenly this man had become an expert in design and feng shui. To top it off, she had the audacity to criticize the beloved orange plush sofa I had offered in our new home.
I expected her to not care what our house looked like and that I would make our little nest as I saw fit. I expected her to be a willing set of muscles to help me realize my design dreams and to ooh and aah over my decorating decisions. Not only did none of this happen, but in fact, it became a hindrance to my home design plans.
The now infamous ‘Cuch Fight’ caught us both completely off guard. a wake-up call to both of us about how damaging unclear and unmet expectations can be in a marriage.
Unmet and unclear expectations are a very common trap that can do a lot of damage to your marriage. Expectations – and the miscommunication and misunderstanding surrounding them – are the main source of most conflict in most marriages.
You know what makes expectations fair? There are four rules to follow when it comes to expectations, and following these four rules will save you untold amounts of conflict, pain, and disappointment.
HEALTHY expectations are:
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Conscious
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Realistic
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Spoken
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And he agreed.
Healthy expectations are ALL 4 of these things. So these are great rules for your expectations in marriage.
Learning this was a huge eye opener for me. I wondered why no one had ever taught me this before, and I wished someone had. Think of all the arguments that could have been avoided!
In ‘Cuch Fight’, I had derailed on Rule #2. My expectation was conscious, but not realistic, stated OR agreed upon. It was unrealistic to believe that my new husband wouldn’t have a say in how our new home came to be, and I certainly hadn’t let him know to find out.
How are you? Did you know these 4 rules? Do you follow them? If you have unspoken expectations, put them on the table. Ask your husband to weigh in on whether he’s being realistic, then agree on what works for both of you.
