4 Principles Christians Should Affirm About Sex

This post was originally titled 4 Christian Principles Bloggers must confirm about sex. Many times since then, I’ve thought it was too narrow. Instead, all Christians must understand and embrace these principles—the four I’m sharing (again) today and the three I’ll share next week.

Every now and then, I read an article, listen to a podcast episode, or see a social media post by a Christian about sexual intimacy in marriage and wonder what Bible they are reading.

While the overall message about sex from the Church has improved greatly in my lifetime, misinterpretations and false teachings still circulate. In an effort to set the record straight, let me list seven principles that Christians should know and affirm about sex. The first four are below and my next blog post will have the last three.

1. Sex is for both of you.

Over the years, too many Christian-based resources have acted as if God created romance for women and sex for men. Forgive me, but there is no evidence of this perspective in God’s Word. God created sex to benefit and enjoy both husband and wife. And romance is for both!

Just look at these lyrics:

• “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” So they are no longer two, but one flesh” (Mark 10:7-8).
• “I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me” (Song of Songs 7:10).
• “The husband must fulfill his conjugal duty to his wife, and so must the wife to her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:3).
• “Eat, friends, drink and be drunk with love!” (Song of Solomon 5:1).

God intends for two people to willingly engage in sexual intimacy. Sex is not just for men. It’s for women too.

If we do not understand this important truth, we can:

Let’s get it right: God created them male and female, and He wants both to be sexually satisfied in marriage.

2. God created sex for more than reproduction.

Too many Christians historically believed that sex was only for the sake of having babies.

But if the sole purpose of sex is reproduction, does it matter if you enjoy it? In fact, aren’t you better off doing other things with your time when a baby isn’t possible? Could sex be merely a necessary evil for the sake of reproduction and/or a temporary indulgence in the flesh?

While all this was happening, I imagine God in Heaven like this:

Today, Christian theologians and leaders rarely argue that sex is only for having children. But many spouses report that their husbands checked out after the children arrived or they became adults. And I have seen implicit support for this idea from a number of Christians.

While it is incredible that the joining of our body parts has the potential to create life, the Bible teaches that sex in marriage goes beyond procreation. God designed it to also bring pleasure and intimacy. Consider Proverbs 5:19: “A tender doe, a graceful hart — may her breasts always satisfy you, may you never be drunk with her love.” Always sounds to me like those childbearing years are over. And the entire Song of Songs celebrates marital intimacy without once mentioning children.

God’s design for our biology also shows His intent—with the health benefits of regular sexual intimacy, the presence of a woman’s clitoris (it serves no reproductive purpose but provides abundant pleasure), and the release of oxytocin, a “chemical substance that binds’, during lovemaking. Research also shows that couples who engage in consistent sexual intimacy are closer and happier.

3. Sex is not just a transaction.

It may seem obvious that God did not intend sex to be merely transactional, but many statements suggest otherwise. Well-meaning Christian leaders have recognized sex as something one spouse wants while the other spouse wants something different, and then suggest negotiating a trade-off.

Thus, sex becomes a in return. In return is a Latin phrase meaning “this for that”. It’s like the saying, “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

There is subtlety here. Because we may negotiate frequencies, suggest alternating sexual pleasures, or climax or tend to our spouse’s emotional needs, knowing all the time that it makes him more likely to attend to ours. But these are not in the same vein as “You do X, and I do Y, and we’re done.”

Sex should not be something that the husband does just to get some unrelated good out of it. God designed sex to be good for both husband and wife!

Do things for each other because this is what Christ-like love looks like! But don’t see sex—or other good things in marriage, like affection and communication—as chips in the game of marriage. You both deserve better.

4. Force and pressure have no place in the marriage bed.

For the love of all that is holy, if you are one more Christian I suggest you have every right to demand, pressure or even force your wife to have sex with you…

No, I didn’t say “force your husband”, because surprisingly, I’ve never seen that before. (I’m sure it’s out there, but I haven’t seen it.) I have, however, read several articles written by men and women with concepts such as “there is no such thing as marital rape.” Oh pig!

Butyou say, doesn’t my husband owe me sex? Hey, I’ll be the first in line to say that marriage should, if possible, include sexual intimacy! This is how God intended marriage to work.

But hopefully you have read the rest of the Bible in which God makes it abundantly clear that His people are not to claim their rights or ignore another person’s feelings and worth. Hopefully you have read about The sacrifice and humiliation of Christ, providing us with the example to follow. And maybe we should all camp out for a while on this quote: “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, for God is love” (1 John 4:7-8).

Now I’m not talking about communication or even confrontation, which could be reasonable at various times in the marriage. I’m talking about abuse, violence or persistent pressure.

Even from a practical point of view, these are terrible ideas. Think of times in adulthood that you have forced or pressured you to do something. Did it make you more excited about the event or less likely to enjoy it? Of course others can push us to do things that we are later happy about, but more often than not we leave with resentment and a desire not to repeat the experience. Do you really want your husband to feel this way about sex with you?

Stay tuned next time for three more principles Christians should affirm about sex.

This post was originally published on November 22, 2019 and has been slightly modified and updated.