Most of us have some “bad dating” experiences and stories to tell for entertainment. I know I’ve had my fair share of them, from being told not to wear sunglasses (even though it’s sunny), to being taken to a bug taxidermy museum (I don’t like bugs!), to being an anxious aunt a first date and then being told I didn’t give the person in question a chance! These dates can add to our life experience and dating experience and we can move on and beyond them, but there is always that feeling of disappointment. So what happens if a date doesn’t go according to plan? How can you move on from dating disappointment?
There are always two sides to the story – for all I know, the above dates might have wanted to see my face, really thought of something “different” for a date after exhausting the other usual options, or maybe they were really going through something personal and I just needed to talk to someone and get advice.
We never know the circumstances surrounding bad dates (unless they go further!), but how can we manage our expectations and then bounce back to re-enter the dating scene? Here are four things that could help with dating frustration.
Be realistic
Not every date will be amazing. This is real life and even when you’ve chosen to be in a relationship with someone or even if you’re married and dating, the reality often doesn’t match the expectation. We can put too much pressure on the dates and of course we will be disappointed if that happens.
Sometimes we need to look at our own expectations – are they too high? Do we expect to be literally ‘taken out’ and not pay every time? Do we expect them to have it all together right away? Going into a date with an open mind and not too many expectations helps – if you’ve built up a whole story about your date and been daydreaming about them, thinking about your kids’ names and where you’ll live in the future since you started talking, then chances are they will never live up to your expectations.
Keep the first meetings light until you get to know them better. This means you won’t seem desperate, you’ll be more yourself, you’ll be less nervous so the conversation can flow better, and being more open means you give your date more chances.
No one is perfect and if your imagination runs wild, potentially the date itself will not go according to plan because of the expectation given.
Be generous and see both sides
You don’t know what goes into someone’s day and vice versa. There may be difficult personal circumstances that your date is going through that can make them a little distant, or maybe they’ve had a stressful day at work or been through an illness or bereavement. These things can affect someone’s personality and how they interact. Conversations can be harder to have and sometimes things are said that can be taken the wrong way.
Always remember that there is a reason for how people behave and even though he may not be right for you, you can still be kind and try to overcome potential dating mistakes that are made. Sometimes people can just be super nervous and if you can see that and take the time to get to know them, then that act of generosity and not excluding someone right away gives someone a better chance (and some help along the way ).
Be practical and prayerful
A lot can go wrong from a practical point of view. There may have been traffic or train issues, a bad day at work, you or your date may arrive upset. Try to leave these issues “at the door” so to speak, and come in with a fresh start. Try not to bring baggage to the first date and instead try to see the positives of meeting someone new, having interesting conversations and maybe some good food or drink.
Practically, take a moment before you go on a date – pray before you go in – God can give you discernment as to whether someone is right for you or not and God can also renew you. Allow Him to be part of your date and seek His will. Maybe go to a nearby bathroom first to catch your breath and have a few minutes before going in, as then you can feel more in control of the situation.
Be smart
They just might not be right for you and not your type, or even might not look like their profile picture. Sometimes we just have to admit it and move on. Of course, you have a moment to mourn this fact, but don’t dwell on it. Just because they’re wrong doesn’t mean Mr. or Mrs. Right isn’t out there.
Don’t give up, just be smart about the situation – don’t try to continue something you don’t want to continue. Don’t chase someone who isn’t interested. Be sure to distinguish the situation. When someone is right for you, they will want to meet you, talk to you, spend time with you. If you or your date don’t feel that way, then don’t pursue it. Know your worth in Christ and don’t waste your time dating people who don’t see that.
If I really liked someone, but didn’t want to make time to see me, then yes, it would be incredibly difficult for me to move on, but I would find the situation going around in circles and getting nowhere, just making me more miserable. Get out of this cycle sooner rather than later.
Conversely, if you don’t want to make the effort or take the time because you know it’s not right, then be kind and polite, let them go politely, and move on. Life is too short to play games. God knows who is right for you, if you are called for marriage. He is the best advisor and the best dating agent. He really wants to be involved in your life too. What better way to get the best advice than to pray and seek His will?
Disappointment is hard, especially when you’ve built the idea of someone in your head. However, nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. We’ve all said things we wish we hadn’t and done things we wish we hadn’t. We can learn, move on, forgive and ask for forgiveness and wipe the slate clean for the next one. God is the God of forgiveness, so we can take Him as an example and learn how to be kind, understanding, but also realistic. If you can’t move on and start dating again after a bad date, you may never meet that special someone around the corner.
What are your tips for dealing with dating frustration?
Did you enjoy reading What to Do When a Date Isn’t What You Expected? Read more from Hannah Grace here
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