When I started marriage counseling with Marriage Revolution a few years ago, I knew I had to quickly gather the best communication skills available because miscommunication is by far the most common problem among struggling couples today.
So I quickly gathered the top communication skills, a total of twelve worthy practices. These tips and techniques consisted of 4 Communication Patterns, 7 Conflict Tips and the old decades Speaker-Listener Technique. And I found that couples who practiced these communication skills dramatically improved their relationships.
However, there was a large segment of my clients who, although they understood the 12 communication skills and how to use them, and although they agreed with their appropriateness and sensitivity, would not be compelled to use them consistently. Something got off couples before they started using the Terrific Twelve, or, even if things started well, that something derailed the continued application of the Deserving Dozen. That’s when I developed the 4 Ts.
Now understand, the 4 T’s are not directly related to the content of what is shared. However, they dramatically affect the environment of the conversation and the mood of the interaction, which has a profound impact on the success of the exchange. And to begin with, these communication skills are completely within the control of the individual. So there you have it, the 4 Ts:
Temperature
When the conversation is hot, calm and polite it is not. Keep the “temperature” of the discussion “low”. This will go a long way in maintaining civility and a “friendly” state. Keep things calm and balanced. If things start to heat up, call a timeout to cool down. But be sure to set a time to regroup, whether it’s fifteen minutes or several hours. This is how the matter is dealt with.
Synchronization
Time should be considered before approaching someone about a problem or disagreement. Is this good timing? Is there room or space for this meeting? Is she busy with other things that will distract her? Is he emotionally ready? She is tired; Is you emotionally ready or tired? Is it late at night? The best synchronization usually occurs during non-conflict periods.
Rhythm
Words spoken quickly increase the volume. A strong atmosphere promotes short fuses and high temperatures. The pulse or rhythm should be kept slow and measured so that the temper remains cool.
Tuna fish
The nature of your approach should be low-key and gentle, self-controlled and patient. Remember, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. If you use a polite tone, the other person is much less likely to get defensive. If you approach with concern, but not combativeness, you’ll likely have a listening ear. If you act flippant or childish, the temperature will rise, the tension will escalate, the temperature will rise, and your chance of success in the conversation will plummet.
Summary
- Keep it Tlow conversation temperature.
- Choose an appropriate one Tit’s time to start the conversation.
- Keep it slow Tempo of speech.
- Use a kind, patient Ta.
Don’t ignore these communication skills!
Everyone wants a happy, healthy marriage, and practicing good communication skills is a big part of achieving that. Using the 4 Ts along with the other 12 powerful communication skills will go a long way toward achieving healthy and respectful communication in your marriage.
David has been married to his wife Jinger since June 1987 and they have 3 children. She resides in Richardson, TX where she counsels couples with Marriage Revolution.
