Where we live in Ohio, we’ve had a pretty warm winter and very little snow…
But this weekend it looks like our temperatures are dropping back to what was “normal” in previous Januarys.
While very cold temperatures are unusual for us this winter…
It may also be unusual (or perhaps common) for you or your partner to turn on the “cold” in your relationship.
It is unpleasant, upsetting and lonely to say the least when this happens.
When this happens, you may know what caused the “big freeze”—perhaps it was something you or your partner did or didn’t do that upset the other person.
But sometimes you have no idea why you’re getting (or giving) the cold and silent treatment.
Your or your partner’s coldness can show up in many different ways…
-Give short, monosyllabic answers when you would like to have a conversation
-You don’t look each other in the eye or one of you turns your back during a conversation
-Physically moving away from touching each other
-Having every excuse in the world not to make love–or not even giving an excuse
The list could go on and on and we’re sure you could add some to it.
When this happens, you or your partner may have tried many things that didn’t work (like begging or pulling yourself away) and you may have resigned yourself to a thaw, which may or may not happen.
Here are 3 ways to help you more easily create the thaw you want in a cold relationship so you can get your connection back…
1. Make additions
If you’re the one giving the “cold shoulder,” open yourself up to discover what it is you’re not willing to talk about.
If your partner is cold to you, open yourself up to listening – and don’t get defensive.
The frustrating thing is that your partner may or may not open up and tell you what’s wrong.
Or you may worry that your partner won’t listen to you.
A big reason is that in the past, one or both of you have done you wrong and you didn’t listen.
Whether it was you, your partner, or both who didn’t listen, there’s no trust that the other person won’t get angry or defensive and the situation will just get worse.
So if you’ve gotten defensive in the past (because most of us have) or made other mistakes and haven’t owned up to them, take this opportunity to finish now.
You can start by saying something like this from ours “Magic Relationship Words” lesson.…
“I realize I was ________. I’m really sorry and I’d like to make it right.”
Then open up listening without being defensive.
We know this takes practice, but trust us when we say it’s a practice that pays off big time in your relationship when you do it.
2. Celebrate each other
One practice we’ve adopted in recent years – which we started in our family and now do for our friends – is our special way of celebrating birthdays.
Each person in the gathering takes turns saying what they appreciate about the honoree.
What a wonderful experience to hear genuine, heartfelt words of love and appreciation from those you love!
Too often we forget to celebrate those we love the most.
So if your partner is cold to you (or you are), it’s a good time to really appreciate something specific about him or her – not to get on his or her “good side,” but rather to extend love without strings attached .
3. Be more playful
As the years go by, the fun and play that existed between you in the beginning can gradually disappear.
The things you used to do with each other that were fun, you don’t do anymore. The light way you used to be playful and flirt with each other is gone.
You may find that you are both so “serious” and it puts a strain on your relationship.
So bring some fun and play back.
Start doing some things that might be considered playful.
It could be leaving a love note for your partner in a place you know they will find it.
You might be playing a sport you used to love – even hitting a few balls in the backyard.
You might do something spontaneous together that is completely out of character for one or both of you.
Whatever it is, your intention is for the two of you to have fun together and deepen your relationship.
The choice is really yours – how you want to spend your life.
Whatever the “weather” is right now in your relationship, we invite you to try some of our suggestions to help you create even more of what you want.
