Christy was constantly afraid that her husband would find someone he liked better and leave her.
She knew her thought was irrational because she had never shown signs of wanting to be with someone else, but she didn’t know how to stop her feelings of low self-esteem.
He also knew she was driving him away with her jealousy, which manifested itself as incriminating questions about where he was and who he was with.
She knew she had to do something about her jealousy and change the way she felt about herself – and fast – so she came to us.
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Now we could have given her a series of affirmations specifically to boost her self-esteem, but we didn’t.
Affirmations can be helpful in the moment, but you really have to believe what you’re saying and if you don’t, it would be like telling yourself over and over again…
“The sky is green. The sky is green. The sky is green.”
No matter how many times you say it, it really won’t change your mind because you don’t believe it.
What we did was explain that self-esteem is not dependent on circumstances or our perceived ideas of what someone else thinks of us.
Our self-esteem is entirely made by us!
Christy realized that she had been harboring a private thought for many years that because her family did not have the social standing that her husband’s family had, he would leave her for someone “better.”
She also realized that by holding on to her low self-esteem, she wasn’t taking any steps to become better at communicating and connecting with him.
In other words, it was an excuse to stay in the “safety” of self-pity.
She saw that by telling herself the story that she can find someone better and leave her, she wasn’t present in her life right now and wasn’t really enjoying her time with him.
She waited for the “other shoe” to drop, thinking the thought would “protect” her from the blow it would cause when it did.
She was living in fear of the future and not living her life in the present moment – she missed all the moments of connection that might have been.
So what do you say?
Here are 3 ways you can begin to allow a shift in your thinking if self-doubt and low self-esteem are holding you back…
1. Consider the idea that self-esteem is completely constructed and constantly changing.
Sometimes you feel good about yourself and sometimes you don’t. When you don’t, you sink into a bad mood and inspire lots of scary, scary thoughts about the past, present, or future.
You raise your self-worth with your habitual thinking – and it’s always changing.
What if your preconceived notions aren’t true at all?
What if you make the situation worse than it is?
What if hanging on to your fears really doesn’t “protect” you from what may or may not happen in the future?
2. Your bad mood will pass, as will feelings of low self-esteem, if you don’t feed them and allow them to pass.
When you’re not thinking over and over how pathetic you are (or whatever else you say to put yourself down), you’ll be able to let those feelings go.
3. Focus on where you want to go in your relationship and learn the skills you’d like to improve.
When you focus on something other than how awful your life is or how lost you are, a miracle happens.
You start moving in the direction you would like to go and start taking action towards something bigger.
When you focus on showing love (to yourself and to others) right now, miracles happen.
Low self-esteem doesn’t have to create distance and disconnection in your relationship.
More love is possible if you just allow it!
