“The need for forgiveness and repair is a uniquely human need—both to give and to receive. We are prepared to seek justice and fairness (however we see it), so the need to receive a sincere apology that is due is deeply felt. We are also imperfect humans and prone to mistakes and defensiveness, so the challenge of offering a heartfelt apology permeates almost every relationship.”
– Helen Lerner, Why don’t you apologize? Healing big betrayals and everyday pains
If there’s one thing we’ve learned in life, it’s that it’s better NOT to apologize than to be sorry badly. This is not to say that we therefore do not need to apologize when we have hurt or angered someone, but rather that we should recognize the vital importance of actually learning to apologize Good.
In her book, Why don’t you apologize? Healing big betrayals and everyday pains, noted psychologist and author Helen Lerner explains why this is so important. She says, “…a false apology that reverses blame only repeats and deepens the original injury.” So instead of our forgiveness having the effect of restoring and healing the wounded relationship, if done poorly, it can actually cause it even more damage.
Is it safe to assume that we’ve all received a bad apology and walked away feeling worse than we did at the time of the injury, perhaps even ashamed or blamed? And how can we avoid being “this guy” or the person who ruins an apology?
Because one of the best ways to learn can be “what-to-do,” here are three things Lerner says to avoid when offering an apology to someone.
3 ways to ruin an apology:
1. “Sorry, but…”
Example:”sorry for calling you but I’ve asked you a million times to pack your shoes.”
Watch out for the little – but powerful – word, “but”, because anything you say after it negates and wipes out your apology – even if what you added is true! It fakes the apology and shifts the blame to the other person instead of taking responsibility for yourself and your own actions/words.
Instead of trying:”Sorry for yelling at you. I could have said it more calmly and politely. Please excuse my outburst.”
2. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Or “I’m sorry that what I said/did upset you.”
Example: “I’m sorry you were embarrassed by what I said.”
This apology does not assume responsibility for the offense. Basically, it’s like saying, “I’m sorry you’re upset by my perfectly reasonable behavior.” A proper apology will focus on behavior of the perpetratornot in the offended party’s reaction to it.
Instead of trying: “I’m sorry for embarrassing you in front of your friends. I should have waited to address this privately with you. Please forgive my mistake.”
3. “I’ve already apologized. Can we please move on?’
This apology won’t be effective if you use it to avoid a difficult or tough conversation. For your apology to be meaningful and accepted, you must be willing to listen carefully and acknowledge the pain and anger of the hurt person.
Instead of trying: “What I hear you saying is that when I did/said______, it made you feel____. It’s correct? I can understand why it would make you feel that way. I was wrong to do that. Sorry. Please forgive me.”
A good apology is almost like a magic elixir when it comes to healing and restoring a relationship with someone we’ve hurt. Acknowledging and taking responsibility for our part opens the door much faster and wider to forgiveness. After all, we’re human and we can’t get it right all the time. But by learning not only to apologize but to do it well, we’ll be on our way to healthier, happier, and stronger relationships in all areas of our lives.
